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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23747050">Love Is Never Spoken Here</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetrose20/pseuds/sunsetrose20'>sunsetrose20</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Once Noble [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Hurt, Mouth Sewn Shut, Non-Linear Narrative, POV First Person, Past Rape/Non-con, Pre-Thor (2011), Unplanned Pregnancy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:46:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>44,396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23747050</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetrose20/pseuds/sunsetrose20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She met him when she was a little girl. She should know better than to trust Loki by now, but she couldn't stop hoping that he would stay with her one day. It was childish. It had always been. She needed to move on, and Loki needed to learn that she wouldn't always be there when he decided to come back.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki/Sigyn (Marvel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Once Noble [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672765</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, first of all, yes, this is a repost. Although it is now in the first person, the plot hasn't changed, but it does have a few new things scattered throughout. I did try to include more comfort and failed flatly at it. Also, I have decided the guy from the first two works is Sigyn's father. Finally, "~°•°~" means chronological order whilst "&gt;°•°&lt;" means a time jump to more recent times or a return to the main story. </p>
<p>Thoughts, ideas, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I won't speak ill of him. He is still my prince. He committed heinous crimes. I won’t - can't - deny that. But I won’t speak ill of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn't alive for the rebuilding of Asgard’s wall. I dare say I wasn’t even a thought at that time. My father was barely into adulthood himself and didn't meet my mother until much later. I was born a couple of centuries after, but I know the story. Well, not the story of the wall, exactly, but what happened after. And it isn’t much of a story. That's what Loki told me, anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As a young girl, I never understood why the people disliked the younger prince. My childhood home was close to the main street, and having spent a lot of time sitting at my window, I was able to watch him walk by every time he visited the marketplace. I thought it was a curious thing – silly, really – how he was always alone, but even more so the fact that he left the palace to go to the market. Nobles always had guards with them and never left their halls for such a common thing as buying whatever it was he was buying. Except him. And I knew he was buying something because when he walked back to the palace, he was carrying some bags that looked a tad heavy to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I ignored it. It was none of my business, and he looked weird anyway. But curiosity was gnawing away at my mind, so I asked my father. My mother wasn't around anymore by then. Some magical illness common amongst her kind. What I didn't know back then was that it could be said that my father led the Anti-Loki movement. He never had a nice thing to say about the prince, and that's how I had my first lecture on the disgrace Prince Loki was to Asgard. Enter the horse incident.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had seen Sleipnir before. His eight legs were funny. But him, a disgrace? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pfft, that's one pretty horsey. You're crazy, daddy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My father didn't like that, no siree. I got grounded for that. But it was true! Sleipnir was pretty. But funny looking, yeah.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I was finally free to go outside after days of staring out my window, knuckles digging into my cheek, I ran down the main street like a Frost Giant was out to get me. Didn't bother looking where I was going. I was free. I crashed face-first into someone's leg. Without thinking twice, brushing the hair my parents always said complimented my temper quite nicely out of my face, I sent my best glare up to whoever was blocking my path. It was the prince I saw. The younger one. My eyes widened in shock as I jolted upright. No better way to meet the man I had been spying on for months than by crashing into his leg. Why me?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My expression didn't change, perhaps except for the flush that appeared on my face, when the only thing the prince did was give me a funny look, amusement swimming in his emerald eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My father always said the second prince was bad tempered, but he didn't look like a bad tempered man to me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stared after his retreating back long after he disappeared into the crowd.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next time I encountered the prince, it was of my own design. I didn't crash into him. That ought to be a good start, I told myself. He was examining something between his fingers, eyes narrowed with concentration, when I blurted out, “Why do people hate you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Way to go, you.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He spared me a sideways glance. No recognition whatsoever. “Never you mind.” He made a shooing gesture. How dare he? “Run along now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he thought I would be dismissed so easily, he was sorely mistaken. “But I want to know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I would know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we cannot all have what we want, can we?” he asked sweetly. And it wasn't fair for him to say that. He didn't need to remind me that I can't have all I want just because he was royalty. It hurts to think about now. Because, seriously, what could he want? He had everything. He lived in the palace, had a fortune he could spend to his heart’s desire, all his trips to the market proving just that. So what could he want that he didn't already have? Or that he couldn't get by barking an order? He even had a </span>
  <em>
    <span>mother</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It all seemed like a pretty sweet deal to me back then. I realise now that I was wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki desired exactly what he was told he couldn't have. The spoiled brat. There is so much more to it, though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?” I demanded, tilting my chin up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug and placed what he had been examining on the table. It was a stone. What was so interesting about a stone? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think I would still be here if we could?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I frowned. “Where else would you be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Somewhere else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But where?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He began walking and I jogged to keep up with his long strides. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stupid adults and their long legs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Another place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That's no-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I cut myself off when I  heard my name being called. Hopefully, no-one had noticed who I was talking to, or I was sure to be in trouble with my father again. A boy was calling for me, pointing at a ball. Well, that was a whole lot more interesting than a moody adult. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, gotta go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I ran off to play with the boy, not turning back to look at the prince. I had been sure I would see him from my window soon. From where he looked more… magical, I suppose. Prettier. But I was wrong. I did not see the dark-haired man for almost a century to come and even then it was by accident. As much as sneaking out of my house at midnight could be an accident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The horse. Couldn't people let that go already? That happened long before I was born, and people were still muttering about it. If it was so shameful, so disgusting, then why didn't they just stop talking about it? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>People.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes at the idiots around me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still living at the same house with my father, I was one of those at the front line, having a perfect view of the king mounted upon his eight-legged steed. King Odin's grandson, if rumors were to be believed. But that's all they were to me. Rumors. Why should they have been anything else? I had spoken to Loki once by then, and he had a stick too far up his skinny ass to ever reduce himself to such a thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind King Odin came Asgard’s heir, and I couldn't help it. I reacted as all maidens did in his presence, a blush rising up to my freckled cheeks at the sight of that perfect, white smile, the tons of muscles. It effectively took my mind off of Loki. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no doubt the animal was quite a sight. The anomaly of his eight legs more than enough to set him apart from his kind. All across the Nine Realms people said he was the fastest, strongest horse to have ever existed. But again, those were only rumors to me. Although, I supposed he must possess some extraordinary trait to be guarded so jealously by the king, and the number of his legs could not be it. Had to be something else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only three handlers and the king himself were allowed near the horse. The princes were not included. And even though I would never be legally allowed near Sleipnir, so to speak, I would get to the horse even if it was the last thing I did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was right, yet wrong about so many things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I can't say I regret it, though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I waited long after night had creeped in, waited for everyone to fall asleep. Despite my father's love for speaking about how honorable Asgard’s guards were, I knew it was nothing near the truth. I had seen them fall asleep during active duty all my life and doing… </span>
  <em>
    <span>things</span>
  </em>
  <span>. They looked wrong to me. I don’t want to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>unnatural</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but it went against what I was taught. Loki went against every societal norm without a doubt, come to think of  it. It doesn't look so wrong anymore. I wasn't so young that I didn't know what they were doing, but I loathe to think about it, as I did back then. No-one should see that. End of story. Well, almost. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I loathe thinking of the Einherjar as anything less than honorable because my father is one of them. Or was. I don't know. We haven't heard from him in a long time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anyway, I reached Sleipnir’s stable without complications. Both guards were sprawled out on the floor, sleeping peacefully. I scowled at their impertinence, their audacity. They usually slept standing, pretending to be awake, you know. These must be quite the lazy bunch, but why would the king choose them to guard his most prized steed? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of horse hooves shuffling through hay and a silky voice reached my ears. I pressed myself against the stable wall, taking a peek in when I heard Sleipnir’s whinnies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleipnir was laying amongst the hay. A man was reclined against his side, stroking his mane. The speaker. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's alright. One day, I promise. One day, we'll leave this wretched place behind. You'll see.” Sleipnir snorted and the man hid his face in the horse's neck, his voice barely audible. “I just need more time. Please, hold on a little longer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I recognized the voice. It was Prince Loki. The man was talking to the king’s steed. He must either be very lonely, or he had finally gone mad. Maybe both. No wonder he hadn't made any public appearances in a century. Trying to get a better look inside, I slipped, startling both man and beast. Sleipnir moved way more swiftly than should be possible for an animal of his size, hiding the prince from sight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Argh, why did I have to be so clumsy?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I moved to stand in front of the entrance, placing one foot inside the stable. “I know you're there.” I called, and Sleipnir ducked his head, hooves padding at the ground. “I heard you speaking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A head appeared around Sleipnir's legs. “How much did you hear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From the moonlight filtering through, I saw the prince blanch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you going to do about it?” he asked cautiously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I jerked a hand forward. “Well, you can't steal him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> stealing. He's my son!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So that story is true, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” he hissed, rising to his feet and swinging his arms over Sleipnir’s back. “What are you doing here? You're not a guard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A very astute observation, my prince.” Was this the temper my father complained so much about? “Same as you, I guess. Wanted to see the king’s steed -"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don't call him that!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“- something tells me you're not allowed in here either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm not,” he admitted quietly, almost a broken whisper. Sleipnir whinnied, and Loki rested his chin on Sleipnir’s back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great!” Fear clouded the prince's face. I never thought I would see that expression on the face of the man who had dismissed me so easily as a little girl. Truth be told, I hadn't given much thought to Loki during the century he was gone. Perhaps a bit after he didn't come back. “You don't say I was here, and I do the same. Were you where you wanted to be this last century?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I beg your pardon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I deflated. “You don't remember me, do you?” He blinked owlishly at me. Oh, for Odin's beard. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nobles⁴</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Oh, forget it. I assume the unconscious guards are your doing? You should be more careful next time. It's pretty obvious something happened to them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, shit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleipnir gave a snort as the prince sprinted outside. I, in contrast, enjoyed my walk home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A week later, for whatever reason, I was convinced that if I left that night for the stables, I would find Prince Loki back there. And I did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The prince seemed to be shouting at a tree. No, I was pretty sure he was indeed shouting at the tree. Then, he was throwing his arms up in exasperation. I took a step back. The poor man was crazy and our last interaction had all been part of his madness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yup.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleipnir appeared out of thin air, it seemed to me, and the prince's frustration turned to cheering. He hugged his son by the neck and a second later was waving someone forward. I looked over my shoulder, but there was no one behind me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aye, you,” he called. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was talking to me. Why was he talking to me?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouldn't you be worried someone will see you?” I called back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The prince shook his head. “There's a bubble, for lack of a better word, encircling us. It does not allow anyone from the outside to see nor hear what happens within it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry to inform you, my prince, that I was perfectly able to see you shouting at a tree.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pointed at said tree, eyebrows raised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes at me, but I knew I was not more stupid than he was.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First of all, I allowed you to see us -"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“- second, don't be absurd -"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm not absurd!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“- third, I wasn't shouting at a tree.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What were you doing, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm helping Sleipnir with his skywalking. He's a natural, of course, but not too precise with his destination. He tends to end up a little farther away than he intended.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleipnir gave him (his mother?) a push with his large head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why am I being absurd, pray tell?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He snorted. “Nobody goes around calling me things like ‘my prince.’ ”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I've heard people calling you that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, yes. In front of my parents. Most call me whatever they like even in front of my brother.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled bemusedly. “Oh, you know: just Loki, Trickster, Liesmith, snake, spare.” He looked down at where Sleipnir was slipping away from his grasp. “Whore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I swallowed. Personally, I hadn't heard the last one before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. What should I call you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just Loki would be fine, if you're amenable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened his mouth, but before he had time to utter another word, I blurted out, “My father says you're a talented shapeshifter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's what sparked my curiosity about Loki the most. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki's expression closed off. “I'm sorry, but I don't shapeshift anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since when?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleipnir was inside his stable. It was just the two of us. This wasn't going down a nice road. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since Svaðilfari.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a wave of Loki's hand, the spell protecting us from sight came crashing down around us, a green dome collapsing to the ground. Loki stormed towards the palace, leaving me, a confused girl, in his wake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who had been Svaðilfari?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>&gt;°•°&lt;</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli asks about Loki often. I'm not sure what to tell him. I don’t want to make another mistake. I don’t want to tell my son that Loki isn't coming back because a part of me doesn't think that's right. I loathe it. Loki, in all his wistful ignorance, trained me to expect him to pop back in. Always. Somehow. Loki always comes back to us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I guess I'm not as fun as Loki is. I can't come up with the most exciting, best bedtime stories ever. I don’t feel like chasing Váli around either. Loki's old (like, really old. I don't know how old, though. He never told me despite how much I poked him. Maybe that's why he knew so many stories), but he found the energy to play with Váli. I wish my son could play with children his age, but I gave up on that awhile ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I also wish Váli would stop asking about Loki. No, I don’t know when he's coming back, or </span>
  <em>
    <span>if</span>
  </em>
  <span> he's coming back, but I can't tell Váli that last part. Or that much about Loki in general. I don't know anything about Loki's life from before the horse incident. I usually take Váli to Frigga or Thor when he must absolutely know something about Loki before he dies of curiosity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wish I could tell Váli more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>&gt;°•°&lt;</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It isn't my fault that I hadn't known that was the name of the smith’s horse. No-one ever bothered with the name of the horse that had apparently raped our prince. Later, I learnt that Loki preferred to not refer to it as such, but was that not what it was? My father, naturally, went on another tirade at the question, but I didn't dare ask anyone else. Much less Loki. I supposed that as long as I didn't mention that horse, or anything to do with horses except for what Sleipnir was doing at the moment, or shapeshifting, everything would be fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, once more, I was right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, I did give Loki space for a week. Long enough that I thought I would die from the boredom aroused by every day that was filled with monotonous household chores as if we ever had visits anymore. I have never been one of those crazy people that would happily throw themselves at the feet of the nobles. Or the gods, as the nobles prefer to be called. It's rather silly, I think. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once I returned to the stables under the secrecy that a nighttime visitation demanded, my unspoken arrangement with Loki began. I would join mother and son every other night. Sometimes watching their interactions silently, feeling like an intruder; other times being part of their little world, feeling safe enough to ask questions. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I wanted to keep it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I can be like that sometimes, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't know Loki well enough to judge his character, but there was a great difference between the man I remembered from my childhood, to whom I had admittedly only spoken to once, and the man now sleeping curled against his son's side. It was sweet. Bittersweet, now. What happened to him during the century I didn't see him? Or was the fact of being with his son what brought this change upon him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Three months later, I thought I had my answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was late afternoon and the dying light of the setting sun filtered in through my enchanted glass window in the colors of orange, pink, and purple. I was sitting at my window, sketching a butterfly. It was taking me more than it normally would. None came out to do errands at this time, but I couldn't stop myself from looking out the window, checking regularly for Loki. It was something that had been going on for a while. Ever since I met Loki and Sleipnir for the third time. Anyway, I knew he didn't visit the marketplace anymore, but I didn't stop hoping to see him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, when a tall man dressed in green and gold passed by on the street opposite mine, I told myself I was seeing things. I looked twice, though, just to make sure, and my heart leapt with joy. I threw my sketchbook to the bed, not caring where it landed, and ran down the stairs and out of the house. He was turning the corner, so not the market. Not what I had expected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I ran up to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My prince, wait!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I cringed. He'd asked me to call him Loki, but it felt weird not using his title in front of other people. Wouldn't that be impertinent of me?  As expected, Loki didn't look pleased, but he also didn't look like he recognized me. Weird.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How may I be of service, my lady?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was even weirder. Loki had never been formal with me. On the contrary, I thought. Did the people muttering around us bother him that much? Should I leave? Was our friendship, flimsy thing that it was, restricted to the stables at night?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Er, no. No, you can't be of, um, service. I mean, I do have something to ask you, but that's not why I…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I failed to continue, Loki teased, “What happened to the articulate little girl who asked why people hate me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> remember me," I accused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What an asshole. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki chuckled. “You're the only one who has ever asked me that.” His eyes narrowed as he watched the people muttering behind their hands. He waved for me to follow him. I knew that's what that hand motion meant, but the others didn't. The closer ones to us scurried off and the rest looked frightened. Dramatic, that's what I thought they were. “That's what happens when you're gone for a century,” Loki muttered to himself, obviously not meant for my ears, so I ignored it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I remembered how when someone walked with Prince Thor, they kept some steps behind him, including Lady Sif, and even Loki. So, now that I was walking with Prince Loki, I thought I, too, should walk behind him. But he placed a hand on the small of my back instead, so I would walk beside him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki was a strange man. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hid my face, and the blush that had risen to it, to the best of my abilities, barely daring to venture out when the gentle rumble of his voice reached my ears. “What is it you wanted to ask me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're a weirdo, did you know that?” I asked, hoping my embarrassment wouldn't be obvious. I felt his eyes on me and saw the same funny look he'd given me when I crashed into his leg as a little girl. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Is that how he sees me? As a child? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I sure hoped not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that it?” I nodded. Slipping his hand away, he sighed. “Yes, I know. It's not the first time I hear that.” Loki muttered under his breath, “Nor the last, I'm sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was that meant for me this time?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn't sure how, but I had made things awkward. Every step I took felt forced, and I was very much aware of the man walking next to me, of the heat radiating from him as his arms swung rhythmically. Like a person who wasn't trying to hide how flustered they felt. Mostly, Loki walked with his back straight and his chin up, as if he owned the ground he walked on, which I supposed he did. If I moved just a little to the right, my hand would brush against his, I remember thinking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>About to turn another corner, I realized neither of us had spoken again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I cleared my throat, preparing myself to request something I hadn't even planned to ask for a minute ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, actually. I wanted to ask if you could teach me how to use seiðr.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don't know how?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was scandalized. That was always a funny look on him. I liked it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just how young are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, Norns, what did that have to do with anything?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For your information, I haven't learnt because my father didn't want me to,” I replied, offended. Everyone knew you didn't ask a lady's age. And I wasn't that young.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And now he's alright with you learning? From me?” Loki questioned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, of course not. If my father knew, he would try his damn best to throttle Loki. If not me first. He'd think I'd catch something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not? Aren't you the best in the Nine?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry, did you hit your head?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shoved his shoulder. Loki didn't respond. Looking heavenward, he stopped a few steps ahead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. On Tuesdays and Fridays, show this -" he handed me a piece of paper, where words began to appear when I touched it “- at the palace entrance and a guard will lead you to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a squeal, I threw herself at him into a hug. Slowly, extremely slowly and awkwardly, as tense as a plank, Loki returned the embrace with one arm, his other hand placed on a doorknob. I kissed his cheek in my excitement. His skin was soft beneath my lips. Letting go, I thanked him. I couldn't read his expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you're going to be my apprentice, I'm going to need your -"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. Whatever you need. See you on Tuesday!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a final wave of my hand, I ran off home before my father got there first. Soon enough, it would be something I found myself doing often.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My father was acting strange. Good. But strange.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later that night, I was serving dinner when he came home from the tavern. He beamed when he saw me and walked straight towards me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My child.” He placed his hands on my shoulders. “I'm so proud of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried to get away when my father's eyes began to glisten, but his grip tightened on my shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father, are you -"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you drunk?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>That's what I meant to ask. But he wouldn’t let me. He never allowed me to say it out loud. Maybe because my mother would have absolutely hated it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could have been a Valkyrie, you know?” He hugged me. “You're a brave girl. I'm proud of you,” he said, brushing my hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I snuggled into the embrace. I couldn't recall the last time my father had been this affectionate towards me, much less the last time he expressed something akin to being proud of me. Not because we had a poor relationship, mind. We simply didn't see eye to eye on many things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All thoughts of my father being intoxicated flew from my mind. At this moment, I was the little girl I hoped Loki didn't see me as.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>&gt;°•°&lt;</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I have never understood what's my father's problem with Loki. When I asked about anything related to Loki, my father would tell me the story of Asgard's wall as if it somehow explained everything. My father dislikes Loki without a doubt. I imagine that he does so even more now after Loki's latest actions and what they mean for Váli and me. What is it that my father feels for Loki? Hatred for leaving me and committing treason; disgust for Loki’s argr ways; resentment because my mother was denied treatment in the Healing Rooms and Loki could have, theoretically, changed that since anything involving seiðr is under Loki's division; and indignation at Loki's shamelessness. Those are my best guesses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My father didn't want a man like Loki for me. I'm his only daughter. His only family. I don’t blame him, especially not after Loki left. I don't blame him for the disgust that Loki's use of seiðr arouses in him, either. The extent to which Loki broke the natural laws is gradually becoming common knowledge. I wish I could say I have no negative feelings towards Loki at the moment, but that would be a lie. However, I don't see what Loki could have done about my mother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I suppose my father's issue is not so much with Loki per se, but with what Asgard's second prince has come to represent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>&gt;°•°&lt;</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tuesday was a rainy day and I was not too keen on going to the palace. It never rained in Asgard, not by natural means, and I could only guess what had Prince Thor in such a mood. But what if I didn't go and Loki changed his mind, thinking me irresponsible? I couldn't let that happen. And how many could say they had learnt from Loki himself? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>None.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was the opportunity of a lifetime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I arrived at the palace's entrance, a guard asked me to state my business. I showed him the paper Loki had given me, requesting to be taken to Prince Loki. The guards shared suspicious looks, which I ignored. Soon enough, I was taken to a circular sitting room. The walls were not short of being filled with books and trinkets. I had expected the furniture to be gilded, but it was made of a dark wood. The predominant colors were green and blue. Gold was used sparingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not what I had expected from a noble.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The prince will be with you shortly,” the guard said before disappearing through the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Waiting there was uncomfortable. Sitting down felt like intruding and standing up just felt stupid. I shifted on my feet. Perhaps I shouldn't have asked Loki to teach me seiðr. Anyone could teach me, really. What was I expecting to come out of this?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was about to walk towards the door when an ice figurine of a woman caught my eye. How didn't it melt in the Asgardian heat? It was beautiful. What stood behind it looked distorted, but there was something in there that if I looked a little closer, I would make out its shape. I brought my hand up to touch it, and it began to glow a misty blue. Just a bit closer…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you aware of what people are saying about you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I spun around, hands hidden behind my back,  eyes wide. “Say what about who?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki laughed, a hand motion making the chairs and table rearrange themselves against the wall. “They are saying you will be the lady to set me straight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Confused, I asked, “Set you straight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Indeed.” The corners of his eyes crinkled with amusement. “Any lady who dares say things to my face, they say, has the character to make me a ‘worthy man.’ To keep me in check, if you will.” He chuckled, as if the idea was inconceivably absurd. Yet here it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And my treacherous heart fluttered. I didn't see what was so amusingly stupid. What if I was that woman? I knew I could be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. Now, that was one serious stupid thought there. Loki was incorrigible, if rumors were to be believed, which they should be where Loki was concerned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thor’s not too happy with the situation. I daresay it's because Mother's attention has been focused on me lately.” He jerked his thumb towards the space he'd cleared. “Shall we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sat down cross-legged on the floor where he directed me, hands folded in my lap. “You won't laugh at me, right?” I asked nervously. “I'm clueless. I don't know anything. Swear you won't laugh. Don't nod. Swear it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki rolled his eyes. “Fine. I swear I won't laugh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I gave a dissatisfied huff but didn't speak as he mirrored my position on the floor. I knew that was the most I would get from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A first person's use of seiðr is usually accidental. That is how they discover the gift. Girls are trained in the art while boys' seiðr is locked away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why wasn't yours?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki's smile broadened. “Oh, they tried. They truly did.” He straightened his face. “Now, I need you to focus. I know you have the gift. It's obvious, but you're spectacularly oblivious to it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I turned scarlet and scratched the back of my head. We hadn't even started and I was already doing poorly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your seiðr will not come naturally at first. You waited far too long to learn. You will need to make a conscious effort.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do I do that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will need to become aware of it. I'm hoping meditation will help. It is easier to find when relaxed. With practice, you will be able to enter your mindscape.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And how do I know when I've found it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will feel an itch under your skin. That would be your seiðr combined with the sensation of this room's wards.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And my mindscape?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki's mouth twitched. “You will know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>&gt;°•°&lt;</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That is probably one of the things I love about Loki the most. His facial tics. The way the corners of his mouth twitch as he tries not to smile when he wants to hide something from me. He succeeds most of the time, but I have been learning how to read him better these last years. I also love how his left eye twitches and his fingers spasm when I call him old. Loki likes to pretend it doesn't bother him that he’s ancient, but I know better now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wish Loki could come home soon. If there's something I desire more than one of Loki's true smiles, it is the gentle curve of his lips whenever his gaze falls upon Váli.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I practiced whenever I had time. Loki was right. I had waited too long. All my friends knew how to control theirs – the same friends who now begrudged my time with Loki. They claimed they could teach me, that they didn't know I had wanted to learn, but they could never hope to teach me what Loki could. They complained that I was giving Loki too much importance. </p><p>I disagreed. Loki seemed to do so, too. Or at least he never said anything about rescheduling our lessons. He did have a lot of things to say about my posture, though. As far as I could tell, Loki was always occupied although it never interfered with our lessons in his sitting room or nighttime visitations to the stables. Being his home, ridiculously large as it was, Loki had no qualms with making himself comfortable, throwing his legs over the armchair as he read. Meanwhile, I was supposed to be meditating, hands held still in my lap, eyes closed, breathing as even as it could be in my discomfort. Loki was reading a book or some document, making up for his constant absences from court, I reminded myself to no avail. Loki was not watching me or reading my thoughts, as I'd heard he could do. And yet, Loki knew when my thoughts strayed too far, or if I slouched by one millimeter.</p><p>“Back straight, Hrafn,” he'd say. </p><p>If I blew out my cheeks, he'd chide, “Patience,” which I thought was funny because I'd heard from everyone that he had none. </p><p>And so it was that I continued to practice.</p><p>It wasn't all that hard, though. By the second week, I understood the itch Loki had told me about, and it was making me moody. I told Loki as much, and Loki responded that yeah, that tended to happen. </p><p>I wanted to throttle him right there and then. </p><p>Despite my very serious plans to murder Loki, I managed to enter my mindscape by the next month. I suppose it could be called a garden although there were no flowers. It was a well I found, right in the middle, a mix of orange, pink, and blue mist floating around it. Further away, tall, twisted trees enclosed the mist in a circle.</p><p>Apart from my mindscape, I found that making Loki proud was more satisfying than seeking my father's approval. But I was also disappointed with Loki. He wasn't a good hugger. He was always stiff and that made it awkward. We would have to work on that.</p><p>Loki being a weird person aside, I felt I flourished under his tutelage. Loki insisted I was a fast learner, but I thought he was a good teacher despite his refusal to admit it. What really bothered me was the fact that he never called me by my name. I didn't mention it to him, though. The nobles were like that. </p><p>I quickly went from conjuring light orbs and levitation to learning elemental spells. I wouldn't deny that I was frustrated at first and, on top of that, Loki couldn't help me.</p><p>Not with this.</p><p>My father found out I was receiving lessons from someone at the palace, and he was displeased. Very displeased. Thank the Norns, he didn't know it was Loki. So things at home became strained again. We didn't speak to each other. The only times we were together was during meals, and highly uncomfortable they were. Every time I went out, he would give me pointed looks, and when I came back, he would talk about why someone he knew would be a good husband for me, though the words were more directed at the room at large rather than to me.</p><p>I didn't want to marry. Was that so hard to understand? For my father, it was. He expected my obedience, as well he should, but he never had the heart to force me into an arranged marriage.</p><p>Loki noticed the slump to my shoulders and tried to pester me into confessing. Loki could be the most annoying thing in existence. I wished Loki could be the asshole people said he was and ignore it like he did with everyone else, but no. He kept asking, and I was running out of excuses. Loki knew that it,  whatever it was, was a consequence of our lessons and suggested it would be better to take a break. I didn't want that. I was frustrated. I really didn't want that. </p><p>I was able to conjure wind, no problem there, but the breeze would occasionally be too strong or too weak. Occasionally, okay? Fire was something I didn't have trouble with, but water was another thing I was struggling with. Like now.</p><p>“It's fine if you still need to utter the incantation,” Loki murmured.</p><p>
  <em> Splash. </em>
</p><p>“I know!” I blew out my cheeks. “Just once more.” I said the incantation (damn Loki. I knew I could do it without saying a word), and water rose from the bowl, following my lead. I shaped into a snake as it continued to rise. It was trembling too much to be acceptable. The water snake lurched forward and-</p><p>
  <em> Splash. </em>
</p><p>Loki sighed.</p><p>I, on the other hand, thought I was improving. I had even replicated one of the snakes on Loki's seal. Not that I was supposed to be familiar with it, but Loki said it was impossible someone would be able to tell it wasn't him stamping the papers. I can't say why Loki trusted me with his seal so early in our acquaintanceship, but I can say I liked the feeling that ratifying contracts and agreements brought me, even though Loki obviously had the final say.</p><p>I piped up, “I think I have good aim.”</p><p>“That's what I get for being annoying, I take it?”</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>Loki wiped his face with a handkerchief that appeared from thin air, and I knew that he didn't dry his clothes out of courtesy for me. Plus, I deserved a hug for catching Loki unaware. Prince Thor would agree with me.</p><p>“I hate to inform you that has happened to me before.”</p><p>“The snake thing?” I asked, surprised.</p><p>“Yes. I did it to myself.”</p><p>I laughed. That was positively the most ridiculous thing Loki ever shared with me. </p><p>“My mentor was being annoying too. Unfortunately, the snake went for me, and she remained quite dry.”</p><p>A guard walked up to us then and gave a bow to us both. “My lady, there are people looking for you at the entrance.”</p><p>I stiffened. This was one of the men my father had found suitable to be my husband. We had been playmates as children, but that was almost a century ago. It was his duty to accompany me to the entrance, but that was not something I wanted to do. I didn't want to give him the chance to speak to me. Or to get ideas.</p><p>“Thank you. I will accompany her there myself. You may go.”</p><p>I gave a relieved sigh, happy once more that Loki wasn't who people said he was.</p><p>The guard sent Loki a hateful glare that he no doubt thought Loki didn't see, but I knew better. Loki was always aware of people's hostilities. Minutes later, after some quick tries to shape the water into a snake again while Loki went through another of his calculating trances, I was leaving the queen’s garden with my elbow hooked around Loki's. Unbeknownst to me, the queen had watched that day's lesson.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>A group of three excitedly muttering ladies was waiting at the entrance; however, they stopped talking when they saw me with Loki. They bobbed a curtsy to him followed by a few “My prince.” Loki, as he did when he accompanied me outside, ignored them and kissed my hand before saying goodbye.</p><p>“Why did you let him escort you outside?” a green-eyed blonde demanded.</p><p>“Escort? That's not the world I'd use, Siv,” I replied.</p><p>Siv huffed. “Frikka, tell her to stop.”</p><p>“Stop what?” I asked even though I knew perfectly well what this was about.</p><p>Another blonde shook her head. “You can't get Birdie to do anything she doesn't want to.”</p><p>The only brunette of the group said, “Give her a break. She'll do better with a spare than with a guard, anyway.”</p><p>“Excuse you! It's not-"</p><p>“Audhild! You're supposed to be on my side.”</p><p>Audhild shrugged.</p><p>“Hey, girls!” I clapped my hands together to get their attention. “It's not like that. Loki is just my mentor. Maybe friend if it's a good day. He'll probably say acquaintance.” It depended on his mood. Kind of how it was with the king. Some days it was “Odin,” other days it was “Father.” I suspected Loki did the same with me. “Friend" some days, “acquaintance” on others. Or apprentice sounded more likely, I guessed.</p><p>“Exactly!” Siv insisted. “You're wasting your time with him. You know he sees you as a little girl he has to teach. He's scaring suitors away.” Siv beckoned me closer. “And you know he's argr.”</p><p>“So what?” I couldn't deny that it made my breath catch in my throat. “There's nothing wrong with practicing seiðr.”</p><p>Siv rolled her eyes. “<em> Birdie </em>. That's not what I meant.”</p><p>“I know what you meant.”</p><p>I had barely managed to escape undetected last month after finding Loki busy with a guard near the training grounds. In my defense, I had thought I was the only one who used that passage. I had walked through that path to deliver my father his lunch when he forgot it at home since I was old enough to go out on my own. How could I have known? I wished I could unsee it. </p><p>Frikka interrupted, “Birdie, we went through a lot of trouble to get that guard to give you a chance.”</p><p>“Well, you shouldn't have. I don't like him.”</p><p>“How can you know that? You haven't given a chance to anyone your father has deemed worthy,” Audhild complained.</p><p>“All you had to do was talk to him while he brought you here to us,” Frikka said.</p><p>“I don't want to marry a warrior. Much less a guard.” They were thick and inflexible. No one liked change, but Asgardians were too rigid even for me. With how things were going, the population was doing fine, but ladies were still required to be engaged centuries before they were to be married.</p><p>Siv snorted. “Then who? The Liesmith?”</p><p>My cheeks turned pink, the sight of Loki and the guard coming back to the forefront of my mind. “I told you it isn't like that.” </p><p>Why did everyone think it was like that?</p><p>“Not by lack of trying on your part, I'm sure.”</p><p>I began walking, my friends following close behind me.</p><p>Audhild said, “You can't be a flannfluga because the prince doesn't pay attention to you.”</p><p>“I have time.”</p><p>“Not forever, Birdie,” Frikka murmured.</p><p>“I don't want you to call me that anymore.”</p><p>“Oh, I forgot,” Siv taunted, “You're ‘My little Hrafn’ now, aren't you?”</p><p>I gave them the finger and marched off.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>Being Friday, meaning early dismissal, my father was already sitting in the living room when I arrived. I opened the door slowly, carefully, so in the good fortune that my father was asleep, he wouldn't wake. But as soon as I was in through the door, my father began talking to the wall about who knew whom now. Later, when I called him for dinner, he fell silent. That seemed to be the signal to shut up.</p><p>As I washed the dishes, my annoyance with my father coupled with the one I had for my friends. Almost two months had passed since my lessons began, a little longer since I met Loki at the stables, and couldn't  those idiots leave me alone? I didn't want to marry, so what? That I was willing to make an exception didn't change that. I had centuries ahead of me. Why rush?</p><p>The plate I had been scrubbing slipped through my hands. </p><p>“Careful with my dishes, girl!”</p><p>
  <em> Whoops. </em>
</p><p>The plate didn't break, though.</p><p>Alright, so maybe I was taking my lessons a tad too seriously. But come on, children were the same with a new toy.</p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p>Suddenly, that didn't sound like a good excuse anymore.</p><p>I walked up to my room and waited for my father to fall asleep. Usually, I wouldn't visit Sleipnir two days in a row, but I was counting on how the same could be said of Loki. And that was not something I thought often. Loki told me the night I found him at the stable that he was not supposed to be there, and I didn't want to imagine what would happen if we were discovered. More specifically, I didn't want to imagine what could happen because of me. I was what threatened their world. I didn't know how to cloak myself, much less from the gatekeeper, and if Heimdall saw me, he'd know what was going on. The only time when it wasn't risky to visit Sleipnir was when Loki was at the stables.</p><p>I knew Loki would do more than just hate me if I took away his time with his son, of course I knew that, and Sleipnir…</p><p>I wanted to see Sleipnir.</p><p>My thoughts were troubled on the way to the stables. I was very much aware of everything that could go wrong as I took one step after another, and that was not helped by the anguished cry I heard when I finally reached the stables. I ran inside without thinking twice. My eyes didn't register the sight of Sleipnir nudging Loki with his head. Instead, the only thing I could see was the man kneeling on the floor, pulling his hair, and mumbling a litany of “He knows.”</p><p>I called his name to no avail, resorting to shaking him and almost screaming myself when Loki gripped me by the shoulders. Panic was etched across every line of his face, eyes blown wide. “<em> He knows </em>,” he hissed in my face.</p><p>“How do you know that?” I whispered, my heart beating miles a minute. </p><p>“The bridle.”</p><p>“The bridle?”</p><p>“<em> The bridle </em>.”</p><p>Sleipnir lay down next to us, carefully introducing himself between us and forcing Loki to let go of my shoulders before dropping his head in my lap. I caressed his muzzle before moving to the golden bridle that hadn't been there yesterday. I gave a small pull and was zapped. I winced.</p><p>“What does it mean?”</p><p>“It means Sleipnir cannot get farther than a league from Odin.”</p><p>I waited until I was sure my voice would not shake before speaking. “This is my fault, isn't it?”</p><p>Loki didn't respond. He leaned back against Sleipnir and patted the spot next to him.</p><p>I obliged.</p><p>&gt;°•°&lt;</p><p>Once, as we laid in bed together, with Váli nursing at my breast and my body reclined against Loki's, I asked, “Why me?”</p><p>Naturally, Loki didn't understand my question, being somewhere deep in his happy place. He hummed and brushed his lips against my temple before replying, “What?”</p><p>“I said, ‘Why me?’ ”</p><p>“You will have to be more specific than that, I'm afraid.”</p><p>I huffed and glanced down at Váli, at his closed eyes and lazy suckling, before returning my gaze to Loki. I wondered what a child with Loki's raven hair would look like instead of the red patches of hair sprouting on Váli’s scalp. Or with irises of poison green instead of sky blue. “Why did you accept me as your apprentice? I'd like to begin there.”</p><p>Eyelids fluttering open, Loki's forehead furrowed. He cocked his head at me and cupped my cheek with his right hand, his other arm wrapped around my middle. “What troubles you, my dear?”</p><p>Because my neck was cramped from the awkward position it was forced to adopt to allow me to look at Loki, I decided to study Váli nurse instead, replacing the section of my tunic bunched in his tiny fist with one of my fingers. “You could be laying in bed with your wife right now instead of sneaking out to be with us. You could have also chosen someone more talented than I am to be your apprentice.”</p><p>Loki rolled his eyes. “Yes, I'm quite sure my nonexistent wife misses me very much. And if I had been searching for talent, I would have taught myself, which I did.”</p><p>I shifted, making sure that my elbows dug into Loki's ribs. “Don't be a brat.”</p><p>“Don't be an idiot,” Loki countered. “I have nowhere to be but here.”</p><p>Váli let go of my breast with a gurgle, kicking out with his feet. Resigned, I pushed myself off Loki into a sitting position and brought Váli up to the handkerchief on my shoulder before patting his back. “You won't be staying here forever. Sooner or later, you'll be forced to marry.”</p><p>Loki paused, his only acknowledgement of the problem, before continuing, “You know I'm trying.”</p><p>Váli spat a bit of milk before fighting to look at Loki, hiccupping when the transfer into Loki's arms didn't happen immediately. I sighed as Loki cradled Váli to his chest, his face breaking into a smile at having a child in his arms again. Váli snuggled to sleep without protest. Now that his belly was full and content, it seemed the child had no need for his mother anymore. </p><p>The feigned devotion in Loki's gaze was so expertly crafted that I believed it. </p><p>“Thank you, Hrafn. He is without doubt the most precious gift I have been given.”</p><p>“I think you meant ‘parasite.’ ”</p><p>The corners of Loki's eyes crinkled with his smile.</p><p>&gt;°•°&lt;</p><p>The next incident concerning Sleipnir didn't occur for a couple of centuries, but Loki was devastated after leaving the stables the night after Sleipnir was bridled. Loki asked me not to visit his son again and that made it quite clear to me that Loki blamed me. But I was wrong.</p><p>Thank the gods I was wrong.</p><p>His eyes were glazed, not quite in the present moment, and mine were no different. Loki looked like he was in another of his trances. He spaced out often, but this was different. Sleipnir was truly a slave now. At least before the bridle, Sleipnir was free to go and come as he pleased. That was not an option anymore. </p><p>I didn't want to leave. I  waited for Loki to snap at me, and yet he didn't. He rubbed his face with his hands before asking, “Will you stay with me tonight?”</p><p>My heart constricted and I forced myself to say, “I don't think you want me to.”  </p><p>Loki gave a bitter laugh full of derision. “You're the only person aside from myself who has not treated Sleipnir as a common beast. So, shall we?”</p><p>I nodded. I  didn't want to be alone either, and I had the feeling that refusing would create an unbreachable space between us. Maybe the most important fact was that I didn't want to leave Loki alone that night. </p><p>We didn't speak again until we reached Loki's quarters, until those opulent, golden doors with Yggdrasil emblazoned on the front closed behind us. Loki's shoulders slumped, despair etched on every corner of his face. </p><p>“You will see him again, you know?”</p><p>Loki sneered. “Yes, as <em> Odin's steed </em>.”</p><p>“It could be worse.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>I didn't have an answer for him. I could say death, but Loki had expressed to me before that he thought my view to be naïve.</p><p>Loki chuckled dryly. “The guest chambers are those doors to the left.”</p><p>“Oh, no. No, no, that won't do.”</p><p>He rubbed circles on his palm. Stress and discomfort, I'd learnt. “You can use my own if that's preferable.”</p><p>“No.” <em> Although that would indeed be preferable </em>, I thought. What the nobles considered a guest room was a guest house to me, and I didn't come to stay in a strange, too big place by myself. For multiple reasons. Mainly that it wouldn't help either Loki or myself to overcome this night. “If I'm staying here, then it has to be like a sleepover.”</p><p>Loki titled his head. “A… sleepover?”</p><p>“Uh-huh. You know, silly games, silly stories… food.”</p><p>“Food? Is that why you agreed to stay?” Loki teased. </p><p>I shrugged. At least I got a smile. “One has to try the food you nobles eat at least once.” And free food in general. I could use some extra food.</p><p>“It's not that good.”</p><p>“I'll be the judge of that.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>I whispered, “Remind me why can't you just ask someone to bring you food?”</p><p>Loki glanced sideways at me and held his index finger up to his lips, which quirked up into a manic grin against Loki's will, I hoped, as I pressed myself against the wall next to him, our shoulders touching. He was a lightweight, I filled away in my mind, and next time he told me that a weird looking potion he took out of his desk drawer was only intended to “lighten his spirit,” I should not hesitate to knock it out of his hands. Loki was disturbingly excited for a person who had been ready to jump from the highest tower a mere hour ago. </p><p>“Where would be the fun in that?” Loki whispered back as a pair of guards turned around the corner. </p><p>That was the only warning I got before Loki grabbed my hand and sprinted down the hallway, dragging me along as the guards shouted at us to stop, which Loki naturally did not do. Instead, he looked over his shoulder for a second to wink at me, and I very nearly stumbled at the finding that his facial features had changed. The next thing I knew, the guards were chasing after us and we were about to crash into a wall.</p><p>When we suddenly popped into the palace kitchens, perfectly unharmed, I was sure I had died. </p><p>~°•°~</p><p>Later, after the potion had long drained out of Loki and I had managed to calm the heart that would surely beat out of my chest, I sat on the floor of the sitting room with the apparently stolen food in front of me and agreed, “Mine is better.”</p><p>Loki hummed in response.</p><p>“Even if I see Sleipnir again,” he began, startling me out of my food contemplation. “It will be while my father uses him as a beast of burden. I can't visit him again at the stables. It's too dangerous.”</p><p>“I thought you would be a risk taker. Especially after our trip to the kitchen.”</p><p>Loki shot me a dirty look. “I'm not an idiot.”</p><p>Instead of arguing that point, I said, “My mother used to complain about my father being an idiot. Quite a lot.”</p><p>“What?” Loki asked, confused as to where that fit into our conversation.</p><p>“My mother? She was from Álfheimr, you see, and she loved to pour her seiðr into things. But my father, he didn't like that, and they argued over it.”</p><p>“So she's an elf?”</p><p>“No, she was a half-elf, but she didn't look much like one.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Anyway…” I launched myself into a story I can’t remember anymore. I knew Loki was aware that I was doing it to distract him, but he didn't interrupt, so I continued retelling childhood stories, including the time I crashed into him, meaning his leg. I also asked Loki not to take the potion again after he made a move to walk in the direction of his desk. Loki shrugged and sat down next to me on the floor. </p><p>I like to think my childhood wasn't boring. I am content with it; therefore, Loki didn't fall asleep out of boredom. Anyone would fall asleep during another person's rambling, a point I continue to defend even now. It was probably just the rush and exhaustion from the potion. Mm-hmm.</p><p>I would feel guilty about waking Loki up (I have forever struggled to wake someone), and I'd feel guilty leaving him there by himself. Loki was reclined against the side of a chair: not a very comfortable position. I remember the first time I saw him sleeping. I thought it was weird how people were right about other people looking younger in their sleep.</p><p>Companionship. That was why he asked me to stay, right? So, it was okay if I snuggled closer and, you know, rested my head on his shoulder.</p><p>That's what I thought then and what I thought centuries later when the other Sleipnir-related incident happened.</p><p>Except that this time Loki was awake, and I was more hesitant to move from my spot.</p><p>Loki played with our empty wine bottle, rolling it between his fingers. He didn't look away from the bottle as I spoke, “It will be like in the past, won't it? He’ll come back okay.”</p><p>Loki scoffed. “With Thor in charge of him? He would sooner get my son killed than spare a thought for another in battle.”</p><p>“Maybe. I don't know about that. But your father is also there, and he won't allow Thor to let Sleipnir get injured.” Loki sent me a pointed look. I didn't think I was being naïve. “<em> Too injured </em>, I mean.”</p><p>Loki's face crumbled. “I understand Sleipnir will be harmed. I have for a long time, but Thor is so careless with his horses. I don't understand why Father would let him ride Sleipnir into battle.”</p><p>“I honestly don't think the king will let Sleipnir get too injured, Loki.”</p><p>“Why not?” he demanded. “Because Sleipnir is the <em> fastest </em> steed?”</p><p>“He's also your son.”</p><p>Loki snorted. “Oh, is that why Odin rides him around?”</p><p>“Don't you go getting bitter with me,” I said sternly. He was a bitter person. It wasn't hard to see, but, mainly, Loki looked austere. It took me some time to find what truly bothered him and for him to act resentful in front of me, which is why I found it hard to believe that was the reason people said he was bad tempered. But I found out eventually. </p><p>“Apologies.” Loki turned back to the bottle. “I should have gone.”</p><p>“I thought the king didn't want you there.”</p><p>“He doesn't.”</p><p>“Give me that.” Loki gave me the bottle and I refilled it with wine. I had improved considerably in the last centuries since my first sleepover with Loki. I always tried to show Loki what progress I'd accomplished from the notes he'd given me to study while he was away. Sometimes, I wondered if it was realistic to say Loki lived in Asgard. “What did you do this time to anger the king?”</p><p>“I tried to remove the bridle,” he admitted.</p><p>“You did what?” </p><p>The bottle almost slipped from my hand.</p><p>Loki raked his fingers through his hair, pulling at a few strands. “I was so sure it would work this time. She swore it would.”</p><p>My pulse raced. “Loki, who's ‘she’?” He didn't respond; I didn't expect him to. It was rumored he was researching the darker practices of seiðr, and perhaps I should know by now to give more credit to the whispers about the god of mischief. After all, it was no secret to me that he knew necromancy. “You have tried to remove the bridle before?”</p><p>“Yes. Of course I have! Don't you see?” His eyes flashed with something I didn't want to guess at. “He's doing it to punish me,” Loki whispered.</p><p>I watched him cross the room to the ice figure of the woman that had caught my eye during my first visit and cover it with a handkerchief.</p><p>“I need to leave,” he said after staring at the handkerchief-covered figurine.</p><p>“Where will you be going?” Again, Loki didn't respond. “At least wait until dawn, yes? You'll worry me if you don't.”</p><p>His shoulder sagged, but he nodded and returned to his spot. Slowly, I moved to sit by his side. There was nothing I could do, so I rested my head on his shoulder and, eventually, Loki rested his on top of my head.</p><p>But where before I had dozed off peacefully, now uneasiness followed me into unconsciousness.</p><p>&gt;°•°&lt;</p><p>This was, without a doubt, the best possible outcome for my pregnancy. Definitely better than what I could have ever imagined, I told myself, looking at Loki over my shoulder. Two weeks. What could have kept Loki so busy that he was gone for two weeks? Was he still seeing her?</p><p>I screwed my eyes shut at my own stupidity. Loki promised I would be the only one. Plus, Loki was known for many things, but not for cheating on his partners, though I thought casual fucks were the only things Loki had in his life. After all, that was what got me pregnant. A casual fuck.</p><p>I squeezed the hand Loki had resting on my rounded stomach. I needed to pee but was reluctant to leave the bed. Since Loki promised to be involved only with me, he slept with a hand on my belly. Except for the nights he wasn't home, obviously. It was more strange than awkward. How justified was his fear that the baby would be taken away? Not very, I hoped. It scared me when Loki took too long to come back. Like two weeks, for example. I feared he had changed his mind about the baby. It was difficult for me, but it was a whole different kind of difficult for Loki. </p><p>I squeezed Loki's hand again. That was usually enough to make him let go. Instead, Loki threw a leg over me and grumbled something unintelligible in my ear. </p><p>“I need to pee,” I told him in response to his grumbling. That was a universal reply. Couldn't go wrong with that.</p><p>Loki huffed and rolled away to his side of the bed, taking the sheets with him. I shook my head at the silliness of his actions, procuring to take as little time as I could only to have Loki's limbs wrapped around me again once I returned to bed. </p><p>I sighed, wishing I wouldn't sound like a jealous mistress. “Where were you?”</p><p>Loki sighed, too. “My chambers. Throne room. Great Hall. The kitchens. Training grounds. My body hates me at the moment, by the way. My mother's weaving room. Healing Rooms, too.”</p><p>“Well, what took you so long?”</p><p>“Healing Rooms. Poisoned Thor again. He vomited in front of some airheads. Got a broken rib, a gift from Thor, and a lecture on poisoning. May I sleep now?”</p><p>Yes, I wanted to say because of the bags beneath Loki's eyes, and because he was training again for some reason despite how everyone knew he hated it. But, Loki had been gone from court less than a year ago and had been absent for centuries to be with that woman, and I couldn't let that go. </p><p>“Where were you when you were gone from Asgard?”</p><p>Loki groaned. “Sleep. Have you heard of it?”</p><p>“No,” I replied, which was true anyway because I was uncomfortable all the time. And, sure, I couldn't exactly blame that on Loki, but I wasn't supposed to be reasonable.</p><p>Loki retracted his limbs and pushed himself up on his elbows, looking at me with raised eyebrows. I wasn't surprised to see his eyes were bloodshot. “I was thinking: what if I tell you while we build the nursery, hmm?”</p><p>I frowned in displeasure.  The nursery? “Fine. You win.”</p><p>“Indeed I do,” Loki replied, falling back asleep with his back to me on his side of the bed before I had time to curse his tactics. </p><p>&gt;°•°&lt;</p><p>I should have expected it, but I had hoped it was a result of Loki's state last night. Nonetheless, when I woke up, it was to the surprise of Loki being gone. Being at another person's house had never been so awkward for me as it was the moment an elderly woman handed me a letter with “Hrafn" scribbled on the front. I was still sitting on the floor, blinking owlishly at the world, when the letter was thrust into my face. So Loki's rushed handwriting was pretty much the first thing I saw that morning.</p><p>In summary, the letter said that the queen had offered to mentor me in Loki's absence, and additionally to what Loki had been teaching me (mainly illusion casting lately), the queen had also offered to teach me divination, her speciality. The letter, unfortunately, did not say when Loki would be back.</p><p>Well, I supposed I couldn't decline an offer from the queen.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Argr - Unmanly.<br/>Hrafn - Raven.<br/>Flannfuga - She who flees the male sex.<br/>Siv - Bride. Another name for Sif.<br/>Audhild - Fighter for wealth.<br/>Frikka - Peaceful ruler.</p><p>Fun fact, I guess. Although Sigyn is believed to mean "Friend of Victory," scholars don't know what Loki means. Recently, however, Loki has been suggested to mean "Knot" or "Tangle."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Mommy, I'm scared.”</p><p>“What about?” I ask, caressing Sleipnir's neck. </p><p>Váli looks down to the ground and complains, “It's too far away. What if I fall?”</p><p>I can't help the smile tugging at the corners of my lips as Sleipnir neighs in indignation and Váli whines in protest. I think it's funny considering how Váli loves to groom the horses. “If you aren't doing anything stupid, you won't fall off the saddle. Don't you trust your brother?”</p><p>Váli bits his lower lip and nods, but, as soon as Sleipnir starts moving, Váli drops all pretence, does his best to wrap his arms around Sleipnir’s thick neck, and shouts, “I want my papa!”</p><p>The bemused smile I had been sporting gets wiped off my face. It’s a cruel thing to say, even if Váli can't understand that, and, as a matter of fact, Sleipnir stops in his tracks. I want Loki, too, and I am optimistic that I will see him again even if I have to wait for a millennium. Sleipnir is different. He’s Loki's son, and he's known Loki long before I was even born. And yet, it's Váli who gets to call after Loki. Váli’s the one who got to live with Loki for years. It’s a cruel thing. The fact that Váli calls for Loki and Loki won't come is cruel, too, and I can only wish Loki could be here to see this. </p><p>Eventually, Sleipnir starts walking again and soon enough, like the good child he is, Váli straightens his back and giggles, brushing his hands over the fur on Sleipnir’s neck, previous fears forgotten. </p><p>We can pretend that this is one of Loki's regular centuries-long trips, which we do in fact do sometimes. I leave Váli with Frigga and come to sit in the ground with Sleipnir, body half-wrapped over him as I used to do during Loki's last and longest absence. The difference is that I can now do this openly instead of under the veil of night, as Loki never got to do.</p><p>When Sleipnir brings Váli back to where I'm standing, Váli reaches out to me with his arms, grinning beautifully, and I don't hesitate to pick him up. Váli’s getting heavy, but nothing I can’t handle. I brush Váli's red hair out of his face and press a kiss to his forehead. “Papa’s proud of you,” I tell my son with the hope that it will make things better. </p><p>&gt;°•°&lt;</p><p>My first meeting with Queen Frigga, with whom, needless to say, I had never spoken before, was scheduled for a Friday. I thought about asking whether Friday was named after her or Freya but dismissed it as rude early on. I also thought about telling my father it was the queen who was giving me lessons in the hopes that it would ease our relationship, but I dismissed that too. This was only temporary. As soon as Loki returned, I would be under his tutelage again. </p><p>Since I had nothing else to show the guards as proof that Queen Frigga was expecting me, I showed them the letter that Loki had left for me before leaving. That was, quite frankly, embarrassing. If it weren't because I didn't know where to find the queen’s weaving room, I wouldn't have said anything to the guards. In fact, there was no reason why they should be reading Loki's letter so closely. I was a common sight around the palace by then, often seen besides Loki and rarely with Prince Thor when he interrupted our lessons to drag Loki to the training grounds or a quest. Sometimes even a tavern. Anyway, the guards should know better by now than to hold me up for inspection.</p><p>I was then led to a different wing of the palace than the one I was used to. I tried not to fidget with my hands as I knew it would look untoward. If these were everyday people, I would be meeting a friend’s mother and the end of the story. But, because I had to let my curiosity get ahead of me, sneak out to the stables at night, and ask Prince Loki of all people to teach me the art of seiðr, I was instead about to meet Queen Frigga. And, as the guard let me know by raising his knuckles to the door, it was too late to turn back. </p><p>“Come in,” a mellifluous voice called from inside. </p><p>I gulped and took a deep breath. Not that it helped much. The guard then opened the door and bowed, which I took as my signal to curtsy. I glanced at the woman sitting in front of her loom. She was dressed in a blue dress with bronze accents, tight curls of golden hair cascading down her back. I tilted my head slightly at her gentle smile. What would my mother think if she knew I met the queen?</p><p>“Welcome, Hrafn. Why don't you take a seat?”</p><p>As it was, I didn't think I would regret it. </p><p>~°•°~</p><p>So, I am shit at divination. That's what I would say I learnt as a person under Queen Frigga. Now astral projection, that’s a different matter.</p><p>I will admit that in the beginning I also thought I was shit at astral projection and thankfully improved with time. But divination was something I flatly failed at. I don't have the gift. It’s that simple. I refused to believe otherwise despite Queen Frigga's many assurances that if I had started earlier (like much earlier), I would have been able to develop an affinity for it.</p><p>So now, instead of trying to teach me something that I thought was stupid anyway, the queen allowed me to sit with her while she wove.</p><p>“Do you ever speak with him?” I asked once. </p><p>“With whom, darling?”</p><p>“With Loki, Your Majesty.”</p><p>She chuckled. “You call my son by his name but refuse to do the same with me.”</p><p>“He asked me to, ma'am.”</p><p>The queen shook her head. “Loki dislikes having contact with Asgard during his travels.”</p><p>“You don't talk through dreams?”</p><p>Her hand twitched as she pulled on the yarn. Maybe the surprise in my voice was rude. “Loki does not allow anyone into his dreamscape. He never did. Not even as a young child. Is there a message you would like to communicate to him, Hrafn?”</p><p>“Just curious as to when he'll be back. And Your Majesty? My name isn't Hrafn.”</p><p>Queen Frigga's mouth curved into a smile. “I know, dear, and I believe Loki should be home soon. He cannot continue to postpone his duties much longer. Speaking of which, are you ready to begin your training for your future duties?”</p><p>“What duties?” I asked in a high-pitched voice. Nobody had talked to me about duties except my father, and I hadn't liked those conversations. Not because I was lazy, mind. I had been taken care of keeping the house in check since my father and I were left on our own.</p><p>“Childbearing will be the most important one, of course, but surely you plan to help my son when the time comes?”</p><p>“I'm sorry, my queen, but I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean.”</p><p>“My dear, as the wife of-"</p><p>The queen was interrupted by a messenger bursting into the room. He bowed before addressing her. “My queen, the king requests your presence in his private study.”</p><p>Queen Frigga was displeased at the interruption, I couldn't help but notice. “We shall continue our conversation later, Hrafn.”</p><p>And I was displeased at that idea, I can't help but add. What did the queen care about my married life? That was nobody's business. Not my father's, and much less the queen’s.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>“Later” turned out to be a week later. Prince Thor had left on a quest accompanied by the Warriors Three and Sif, maybe some other warriors too, and it was understandable that the queen had cancelled one of our meetings, which were really composed of me watching the queen weave. As I walked through the palace, servants whispered behind their hands, which had never happened before. Most of them ignored me on a normal day with the few exceptions who treated me as one of the queen’s handmaidens.</p><p>I didn't pay them any notice.</p><p>I knocked on the queen’s door and not a second later was being rushed into the room. </p><p>“You have been waiting for me, my queen?” I asked in perplexity.</p><p>“Of course, my dear. Come. Sit, sit.”</p><p>I smiled. Better to indulge her. “Why the urgency?”</p><p>Queen Frigga beamed. “Did I not tell you, Hrafn? Loki is coming home!”</p><p>I leaned forward in my seat. “Have you spoken to him?”</p><p>It would be good to have the prince back.</p><p>The queen’s smile dimmed. “No, I have not. But his father has requested his presence at court, and so Thor has gone out in search of him.”</p><p>I knew very well that the gatekeeper couldn't see Loki, but wouldn't it be suspicious if I didn't ask? “In search of him? Can Heimdall not see him?”</p><p>“No, Loki is… very secretive about his whereabouts. I don't imagine he told you where he was going?”</p><p>“He did not, my queen."</p><p>“I see.” A thoughtful expression clouded her face. “We don't have as much time to prepare as I would have liked, but it matters not. The wedding will not be for some time yet…”</p><p>“I'm sorry, Your Majesty, but do I need to be here for wedding planning?” That sounded boring and was really not my thing. At all.</p><p>Queen Frigga startled. “But of course! How else would I know what to choose and whatnot?”</p><p>I slumped in my chair. What crazy ideas had gotten in this woman’s head now? “With all due respect, ma'am, aren't you the Goddess of Marriage?”</p><p>“Well, yes, but your input is of utmost importance, Hrafn. You know my son well, do you not? I cannot see Loki worrying about wedding arrangements, much less his own, but you can fill in for him perfectly.”</p><p>My heart plummeted to my stomach. “Loki's getting married?” </p><p>“Naturally.”</p><p>“Naturally,” I echoed. I should have seen it coming, like pretty much everything else. <em> Naturally </em>, Loki had to produce an heir. Every noble had to. Well, every Asgardian to be precise, so why did I think Loki would be any different?</p><p>“Hrafn, what bride is not aware of her own wedding?”</p><p>“What?” And… the high-pitched voice was back. Weird. I could have sworn I cleaned my ears that morning.</p><p>The queen took a seat in front of me, looking as patient as ever. “I know my son can be distant, perhaps a little cold, and with his travels… I understand he does not seem like a promising husband, but surely you have not changed your mind about marrying him?”</p><p>“I never agreed to marry him,” I stammered, cheeks turning scarlet. Could this be more embarrassing? What had I done to indicate I wanted to marry Loki? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't know how the queen had come up with that idea. Gods, when she spoke about childbearing… had she been talking about carrying <em> Loki's </em>children? The sight of Loki moaning as the guard thrust into him returned, flustering me even further. Was Loki even interested in females? This couldn't get worse. Or more awkward. And the whispers in the hall… had they been about… </p><p>I hid my face in my hands.</p><p>“No?” The queen was shocked and it was not as comforting as I would have liked. “But then who did Loki…?”</p><p>“I believe you might be mistaken, Your Majesty. Your son has never expressed a desire to marry me.”</p><p>“But you do.”</p><p>I took a deep breath. Here it was again. “I do not wish to marry.”</p><p>“Nonsense. You just need to give my son some time. He'll come around,” the queen proclaimed.</p><p>I huffed. “I don't want to -"</p><p>“Nonsense, I said. And please, do call me Frigga, Hrafn.”</p><p>“My name isn't Hrafn.”</p><p>“Whatever you say, dear.”</p><p>And from that day on, Frigga, as she insisted to be called, made it her personal job to instruct me on the duties of the wife of the Royal Advisor and, in case tragedy struck, the duties of the queen despite my many protests and great insistence that I would not marry her son. Plus, it seemed I was now called Hrafn, as both Loki and his mother had dubbed me. And to add to the festivities, I was kicked out of the house for being “betrothed” to the only man I was not allowed to marry. Tsk, what did my father care whom I married? As I said, none of his damn business.</p><p>…what would Loki say when he got back?</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>It was a month later when things changed again. Or at least, I can't believe that it was more than a month.</p><p>Finding a house wasn't difficult; there was always someone willing to build one when need be. Unfortunately, this meant I no longer lived close to the main street but in one of the houses close to the wall. This also meant I was one of the last to hear the news.</p><p>Was that a bad thing?</p><p>Centuries after that day, I still wonder how it would have felt, what would have happened, if I had been there. But, mostly, I'm grateful that wasn't the case.</p><p>That month was one I spent drowning in anxiety: half of it from excitement and the other from despair. I was no longer on speaking terms with my father, my only family, and Frigga continued to insist I would marry her son. There was no way for me to know what Loki would say to that. I couldn't stop biting my nails. Did Loki think I wanted to marry him? When would Loki be back? What would happen when Loki returned?</p><p>Those were things I wouldn’t have to worry about, for when the day of Loki's return came, all thoughts of marriage fled from my mind.</p><p>What happened that day? Well, that’s simple.</p><p>Frigga decided upon the gardens that day for our lessons (or wedding planning, to be exact), and so we sat at a table close to the garden's pond, the sun reflecting over the water's surface. It sure would be refreshing to just submerge my feet for a few seconds, I thought. Or to take a small sip of water. Those damn birds must be so happy with their water bath.</p><p>All of that changed in a few seconds.</p><p>Several voices drifted through the garden at once. I slowly turned my head towards the noise.</p><p>
  <em> What now? </em>
</p><p>The voices didn't register. Nothing did. The only thing in existence I was aware of was the raven-haired man dropped at the queen’s feet. There was a scream. My own. I could never stand the sight of blood.</p><p>But there hadn't been much blood. Right? It was a small wound. A… comparatively small wound. Yes, that was it. Probably. No.</p><p>It looked grotesque.</p><p>The thread was pulling Loki's mouth taut, disappearing into the skin and coming back out through the other lip, distorting the face I knew so well. Small drops of blood were coming out from the perforations. Most of the offending stains, I knew, were a result of the struggle that occurred as the thread slipped in and out of skin. I had the fleeting, morbid thought that the sewing would have looked beautiful if it had not been so hastily done.</p><p>“Thor! What is the meaning of this?” the queen demanded.</p><p>“The dwarves Brokkr and Eitri have stitched his mouth close, Mother.”</p><p>“And you let it happen?” I screamed at him.</p><p>Brandishing her sword, Sif took a step forward. “Have care of how you speak to your prince.”</p><p>“My prince? <em> My prince </em>?” I sounded hysteric, I knew, and I didn't care. “My prince is lying on the floor with his mouth sewn shut!”</p><p>“He was rightly punished for his crimes.”</p><p>“What crimes?” Ooh, how I loathed Sif. Acting all high and mighty. Thinking she was better than other women because she was a warrior.</p><p>Frigga placed a firm hand on my shoulder. “I'm sure there is a good explanation for this, Hrafn. A very good explanation.”</p><p>When had I gotten on my knees? It didn't matter. I brushed Loki's hair out of his pale face, my eyes drawn to the atrocity that had become of his mouth. Of his whole face. </p><p>Thor's face was set with determination as he replied, “We found Loki on Jötunheimr, Mother.” Frigga gave a disappointed sigh. What was wrong with Jötunheimr? “His activities did not vary from last time as suspected. On our way back, he cut all of Sif’s hair while she slept.” What? Why would Loki do that? I noticed for the first time that Sif's hair was inky black instead of gold. “We had to make a detour to Niðavellir to commission new hair for Sif, and Loki wagered his head to the dwarves in exchange for it.”</p><p>Frigga looked saddened, accepting and understanding, but I? I wouldn't accept that answer as readily as the queen did.</p><p>“Why would you let them do that?”</p><p>Thor's eyes flashed. “Loki must learn that his actions have consequences.”</p><p>I gave a cynical laugh. “Did you seriously say what I think you said? <em> You </em>?” I couldn't even remember how many of Thor's political messes I had helped clean up, leaving me with a distaste for the subject.</p><p>Sif moved closer to me, and I cradled Loki's unconscious body closer to my own. “You will not continue to disrespect the prince in favor of that argr -"</p><p>Apart from my earlier reaction, I ignored Sif. “How could you let them do this to your brother?”</p><p>Thor clenched his jaw. “I will let you know that I held him down myself." </p><p>Knowing that I would not get anything different from the Thunderer, I directed my watering gaze towards the queen. “What about you? How can you stay silent?”</p><p>“Hrafn, my dear, you must understand -"</p><p>“Understand what?” My voice began rising in volume. “He's your son! You should be helping me get him to the Healing Rooms!”</p><p>“You will not speak to my mo-"</p><p>“Oh, do shut up!” I shouted at Thor. </p><p>“Hrafn, no one will help Loki at the Healing Rooms. Sif is right. Loki followed through with his wager, and we must respect that.”</p><p>“Are you serious?” I asked incredulously, ignoring the pitying looks I received. </p><p>Frigga nodded sternly. “Very.”</p><p>I gaped at Frigga's response, but Sif's satisfied smirk was enough to pull me out of my shock. A fresh swell of rage rose inside me. “Fine. I don't need any of you.”</p><p>I heaved Loki up, not sure where I was going or if I would be able to get Loki there.</p><p>“You will not find help in the palace, Hrafn,” Frigga called behind me.</p><p>“Watch me!”</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>Upon reaching the Healing Rooms, I had no other choice but to admit that Frigga had been right: there was no help offered to us there.</p><p>“But, Lady Eir, you can't leave him like this!"</p><p>“I'm sorry, dear, but we have received orders from the king to not remove the thread. It has been forbidden.”</p><p>With a huff, I pulled Loki’s body up from where he'd been slipping to the floor.</p><p>“You've got to do something.”</p><p>Exasperation was written across every line of Eir's face. Pulling me by the forearm, Eir dragged me away from the prying eyes of her attendants. I huffed. I didn't have time to tell her off. But instead, Eir pushed a book into my chest.</p><p>“You will take the prince and this book home. You will read through it, and you will tell no one that I gave it to you. Understood?”</p><p>“But-"</p><p>“<em> Understood </em>?”</p><p>I nodded. I pulled the book into a pocket dimension and promptly headed home, almost dragging Loki behind me.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>Norns, Loki was heavy. <em> Let this be a testament of what a person can do under pressure </em>, I thought. I collapsed face-first into the bed, dropping Loki next to me. Although saying that I dropped Loki on the floor would be more fitting. Ugh, who cared? I was tired, and Loki deserved it for making me worry. Leaving in the middle of the night and then showing up not even conscious. Who did Loki think he was? And, I couldn't even take out my frustrating on him because he wasn't fucking conscious. And his face…</p><p>At least this house only had one floor.</p><p>I rolled over on my back and kicked Loki in the shoulder. No response; zero satisfaction. Awesome. I retrieved the book Eir gave me, and <em> ugh </em>. The book was huge. And what was I supposed to do with it? Read it, yeah, and then what? I had no experience with healing magic.</p><p>I opened the book and read through the index. How the book could help me, I couldn't see. It was full of potions for usual battle wounds like regrowing a limb or an eye, speeding the mending of bones… there was even one for growing hair.</p><p>Oh, it was a vanity section.</p><p>How stupid would it be if I tried to cut the thread with a normal knife?</p><p>I held the book over my face by the covers and made the pages swing about. How much worse could a knife make it? There were probably a million different ways, but -</p><p>“Ouch.”</p><p>A slip of paper fell over my face, barely missing my eyes. I placed the book over my stomach and picked up the paper. A riddle. How fun. Or I thought it was a riddle. <em> Donation evolved with… </em> It was just nonsense. Forget I ever said anything.</p><p>Odd muffled-like sounds brought my attention to the floor. Loki was trying to stand up, or sit at least; I couldn't see him from the bed. And the muffled sounds were coming from him. Was Loki trying to…</p><p>“Hey, no. Stop it.”</p><p>He startled. I startled, too. Everything looked worse than it had just minutes ago. I couldn't imagine how Loki's eyes could be wider. They were darting across the room, and it was only natural that Loki didn't recognize the place, but the fear twisting his face was too much for me. The perforations across his lips were bleeding again, tiny rivers of blood running down his chin. His continued attempts to pry his mouth open were doing nothing more than drawing more blood. Loki's already too pale face was being drained of colour, making the red stains all the more noticeable, and I wasn't sure if it was from fear or if his heaving chest meant he was not getting enough air.</p><p>I tried to get off the bed, but Loki instantly tried to scurry away from me. Helplessly, completely unbidden, I wondered if this was the same man who didn't waste a thought before dismissing anyone he thought dull. The crazed look in his eyes resembled the one of a wild animal, after all. </p><p>I held my hands up in a placating manner, my pulse rushing deafeningly in my ears. It wasn't that I thought Loki would lash out against me, but I didn't want to worsen the situation. “You need to stop, okay?” </p><p>I foresaw Loki's attempt to run from the room and threw myself at him, tackling him to the ground. “Stop!” I screamed, holding on to Loki for dear life, pressing myself as close to him as he would let me in our struggle. </p><p>I hated this. I really did. Loki was struggling beneath me, trying to kick me, and I felt the air go out of me as an elbow connected with my abdomen. I truly wished I didn't have to do this, but allowing Loki to run off was not an option.<em> I held him down myself </em>. I hoped Loki wouldn't hate me for this. </p><p>I held on tighter.</p><p>“<em> Please </em> stop. You're hurting yourself,” I pleaded, but Loki kept struggling. Tears were freely flowing down my cheeks now. I doubted I could hold on much longer. Loki wanted to get away so badly, so was it the right thing to keep him here? And why hadn't he tried using his seiðr? Was it possible that it had been locked away? Why couldn't wouldn't Loki use his seiðr?</p><p>It felt like forever before Loki calmed down, but it couldn't even have been five minutes, could it? I slowly became aware of the apologies dripping from my tongue, but I didn't stop until I was sure that Loki wouldn't try to run from me again. Loki tried to shift positions, and I had half a mind to let go this time. My body was hurting all over, and I didn’t doubt that there would be bruises.</p><p>I sniffled. “I'm going to let go now, okay? But if you ungrateful brat try to run away from me, you're so going to regret it. Got it?” I dug my elbow into his back. “Nod if you get it!”</p><p>When Loki nodded, instead of letting go as I had said, I pulled him into a sitting position against my chest and rested my chin on his shoulder. I sniffled again and whispered, “Thank you.”</p><p>Loki's hands warily came to detach my arms from where they had been gripping him across the middle and he clasped our hands together.</p><p>“I need to go get a knife.” Loki didn't move, which was great because I didn't want to move either. As the minutes passed, his grip slacked and he relaxed into me. I gave him a nudge with my head. “I really should go for that knife.”</p><p>Loki's head lolled sideways, and I realised that he had fallen asleep. Oh, that bastard. Leaving me all the work. Did he know how heavy he was? And yet he was so skinny.</p><p>I carefully leaned him against the bed and went to look for a knife, tweezers, and a wet towel.</p><p>So, where to start? I'd bet that I would have to hold him down again if I just tried to cut the thread, so I would need a sedative. Loki wouldn't want a knife between his lips anytime soon. And my seiðr… my seiðr… could it really be strong enough to keep Loki under?</p><p>Huh. Guess Eir's book would be useful after all.</p><p>I tenderly cleaned his face, clearing it of the offense as much as I could for the moment, my seiðr keeping Loki asleep after all. I could have also cleaned Loki's face with seiðr, but this was something I wanted done by hand. It was something intimate. I slipped the tip of the knife in between the threads at the center of Loki's mouth. So surprised was I when the thread gave way that I almost stabbed him.</p><p>I shuddered and moved the knife away from his face.</p><p>I imagined how it would be to finish pulling the thread out with the tweezers. To make it come out as it went in. To see the thread slip out of the flesh like a worm coming out of the ground. I shuddered even harder. </p><p>As I debated my options, my seiðr’s hold on Loki slipped, so when I tried to bring the knife back up, a hand snapped to my wrist, drawing a yelp from me. Loki's other hand went to his mouth, and I, thinking that Loki was only trying to get a feel of what had been done to him, didn't try to stop him. But to my disgust, Loki began pulling at the thread with his thumb and index finger.</p><p>“Don't do that. It's disgusting.”</p><p>Loki stopped. When I made no further moves, he started pulling again.</p><p>The knife cluttered to the floor, and I covered my face with my hands. I didn't want to see that. It was much more gruesome in reality than what I had imagined. This had to be enough to cure me of my aversion of blood.</p><p>“Hrafn,” Loki croaked.</p><p>I frowned. “You need to tell your mother to stop calling me that. I don't like it when she does.” <em> I only like it when you do. I missed it. Missed you </em>. “No, don't speak. Your voice is hurting my ears.”</p><p>Loki's expression dulled.</p><p>I stood up and pulled on his arm. “Come on, up you go.”</p><p>“Where -"</p><p>“Don't speak! Gods, you sound horrible. You need to take a break. Whatever it is, it can wait until the morrow.”</p><p>Loki nodded and followed my lead. </p><p>“Since I moved recently, I only have the bed to sleep in, so we'll have to share it.” I pulled the covers down and away from the pillows. “Lay down.”</p><p>“I can -"</p><p>I pushed him towards the bed. “Lay. Down.” He complied, and I smiled. “There you go. Do try to relax a bit. I'll come back with another towel and see if there's anything for your…” I pointed to his lips and then walked to the door. “And, Loki, just curious, but do you know my name?”</p><p>“Of course I do!” Loki said indignantly.</p><p>I winced. He sounded like he'd been gargling on glass. “Just checking.”</p><p>After grabbing Eir's book, I opened the door and left the room without seeing how Loki looked very much caught red-handed after my question.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>There were a few balms and salves that looked promising, but as I said, having no experience with healing magic, or potions for that matter, I chose the easiest one to prepare. When I returned to the room, I saw Loki (thankfully) still laying down on the bed with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked as equally, if not more, tense than when I had left.</p><p>“Okay, so here goes trial one.”</p><p>I sat next to Loki and, with as much care as I could have, I once more went about the business of cleaning his face. Loki tried to get me to hand over the towel, but I slapped his hands away. Then, I spread the salve across his lips with the pads of my fingers, making sure to avoid Loki's gaze. </p><p>How I wished this could be under different circumstances.</p><p>“Done.”</p><p>Loki pushed himself up by the elbows in an attempt to stand up, and I placed a hand on his chest to push him back down. “You stubborn thing. I said no. I'm not done with you.” Loki huffed, complying once more. “I will sleep on top of you if that's what it takes to keep you here. So don't even think about leaving. You can bet I'll be yelling at you first thing in the morning.” As promised, I collapsed on top of Loki. But gently. I wasn't an idiot. “But right now, I'm too tired for that. And, we both need sleep.”</p><p>The rhythmic rise and fall of Loki's chest was all I needed to be lulled to sleep. All too soon, my heavy eyelids were shutting close. The last thing I can remember of that day is Loki's arms wrapping around me in a warm embrace.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following morning, the recollections of the previous day came rather slowly to me. I was aware of the breathing body beneath me, which meant I should get going, but I felt so heavy, and the hand stroking my hair felt so nice. For a moment, it was as if I were a little girl once more and my mother had just passed away. My father would hold me as I was now being held when I cried for her to come back. He would let me sleep on top of him, head tucked under his chin, as he threaded a hand through my hair, uncaring if I filled his shirt with snot.</p>
<p>I snuggled closer.</p>
<p>“Comfortable, hmm?”</p>
<p>“Shut up. You're a good mattress."</p>
<p>The stroking stopped. I began to complain and that's when I remembered who I was on top of. I rolled off of Loki, aware of the blush joining my freckles, very close to dying of mortification. </p>
<p>“Your voice sounds better. Still a bit scratchy, though,” I hurried to say. </p>
<p>Loki cleared his throat, bringing a hand up to cover it. “Yes. I thank you for your help, but I should get going, I'm afraid.”</p>
<p>I threw an arm over my eyes. “Ugh. Do we have to go over this again? You're not leaving.”</p>
<p>“So, you intend to retain me here against my will?”</p>
<p>I removed my arm from my face to see Loki's arched brow. I rolled my eyes. “As if I could.”</p>
<p>I could find a way, though. That was for sure. </p>
<p>“Well said. Now-"</p>
<p>“Can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me you want to go back?”</p>
<p>Loki fidgeted with his hands. “No, er, not particularly, but-"</p>
<p>“Then stay.”</p>
<p>Loki sighed, as if I was missing something obvious. “It is not that simple.”</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>“I have duties I cannot-"</p>
<p>“Cannot what? Postpone? Ignore? As you have been doing lately?”</p>
<p>He huffed. “I had other things to attend to.”</p>
<p>Yeah. Like meeting "she" in Jötunheimr. Whoever "she" was. </p>
<p>“I know, but think about it. Your family will probably be mad that you no longer have your… your…” Loki gave me a pointed look at my clumsy gestures indicating his mouth. “Your mouth sewn shut. So why go? You will probably be mad that I dragged your body across Asgard to get here, so…” Loki began to shake his head. In what? I didn't know. “My point is that Asgard knows about it, so if you keep to yourself for a little longer, they'll just think you're ashamed to show your faces at court, and is that really so bad?”</p>
<p>Loki deflated. “I suppose not.”</p>
<p>“And you owe me for lost time.” I waited a few minutes before speaking again. “Thor said you cut Sif's hair.”</p>
<p>Loki stiffened and darted his eyes from the door to my person. “I did.”</p>
<p>“Will you tell me what happened?” I asked gently. Crowding Loki was the last thing I wanted to do.</p>
<p>Loki waved a hand dismissively. I didn't understand how he could have gotten his mouth sewn shut and treat it as if it were a common occurrence. What was wrong with him? With all of them? “What Thor must have told you. I cut her hair, the dwarves made what I would call a wig, truly, and then they stitched my mouth close.”</p>
<p>“But is that what you have to say?”</p>
<p>“I have nothing else to add.”</p>
<p>“I don't believe you.”</p>
<p>Loki drew back, gaping. “I have never lied to you.”</p>
<p>“True, but you have omitted things before. So, I'll ask. Why did you cut Sif's hair, Loki?”</p>
<p>Looking away, he smoothed his face and lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. “Jealousy and petty vengeance.”</p>
<p>I sighed. “I'm disappointed, you know?”</p>
<p>“I would expect nothing else.”</p>
<p>“No, you don't know why I'm disappointed. I actually thought you could trust me, Loki. But that's on me. So… I'll go make breakfast, alright?” There was no point in fighting a losing battle. I should have known better.</p>
<p>Loki nodded.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>Feeding Loki wasn't hard. He accepted what I placed in front of him without complaint, but he liked my food as far as I knew, so that wasn't a surprise. What I didn't expect was that Loki would try to help me around the house. I actually had to reevaluate my view of Loki. In my head, I went through everything I had heard from Loki, heard of Loki, and seen Loki do. None of my existing knowledge of Loki was in accordance with the sight of Loki arguing with me because he wanted to help me wash the dishes. Perhaps there was something wrong with Loki after all.</p>
<p>“You'll break my dishes,” I ended up using as my excuse to shoo Loki out of the kitchen. </p>
<p>Loki made a weird sound between a scoff and a laugh. “I don't even need to touch them.”</p>
<p>“I like to actually wash them,” I replied. “You know, with my hands, and the water a bit on the side of scalding. There are benefits to routines.”</p>
<p>Loki arched one of his perfectly plucked eyebrows in a sceptical gesture. “I highly doubt that allowing me to wash the dishes with seiðr will threaten the existence of your routine.”</p>
<p>“It will,” I assured him. When Loki opened his mouth to retort, I interrupted with the first thing that crossed my mind. “It's my house. My rules.”</p>
<p>“Hrafn, of course I know it's your house.”</p>
<p>“And I make the rules.”</p>
<p>Loki dipped his head in acknowledgement. “Naturally, but surely you see that my use of seiðr-"</p>
<p>“My house,” I reminded him. “And in my house, you can use your seiðr for whatever you want except for completing chores.”</p>
<p>Loki looked at me with an indiscernible expression but dropped the topic, instead opting to retreat into the bedroom. Loki was making himself at home, apparently. And I thought that was it. But there were two incidents that proved me wrong. Well, to be exact, it's more like various little incidents, but they can be perfectly divided into two categories. So, it went like this:</p>
<p>I thought Loki and I had already established that he was staying with me for a while and that, unfortunately, I only had the bed to sleep in. But Loki, brilliant person that he thought he was, suggested buying a couch for me where he could sleep, as if I would ever accept him directly paying for one of my expenses, in addition to the rational solution that was returning to the palace. And so it was that I found myself laying in bed next to Loki, staring at the ceiling, and tapping my fingers against the mattress as Loki finished his discourse.</p>
<p>“And that, Hrafn, is why I think it's fine for me to go back to the palace. You will not have to worry about me.”</p>
<p>To tell the truth, I hadn't been paying attention to Loki's rambling. It sounded half-hearted anyway, so I said, “Nah, it's fine,” and flipped on my side, offering Loki the view of my back. Loki gave a reluctant sigh and followed suit. I waited. I don’t know for how long, but I waited. <em>This is my chance</em>, I thought, and I took it. I flipped on my other side and wrapped my arms around Loki, snuggling up to him and squishing my cheek against his back. His breathing didn't change, I relaxed, and that could have been it. </p>
<p>The next morning, I had the wonderful idea of leaving Loki alone at the table while I went to tidy up the bedroom. Loki was eating, yes, but slowly. And even that was only liquid food. He had screamed. That was obvious. And he had screamed a lot. I wished he would tell me what exactly happened, and I still do, but I knew pushing him for an answer would be useless. Loki was an expert at word games. I was not. Maybe the only ones capable of rivalling Loki were his parents. And maybe Frigga would one day bother to tear the full story from Loki and tell me. I always prided myself in my patience. </p>
<p>Trapped in my musings, I took longer than expected in the bedroom. When I returned to Loki, he lifted his chin defiantly at me, so I darted my eyes around the room in search of whatever it was Loki did now. I found it in the form of perfectly clean dishes.</p>
<p>“That, Loki,” I informed him, “is just immature.”</p>
<p>I left Loki to the book he had conjured and walked to my paint buckets and brushes, deciding then that I would dedicate my day to my painting. At night, however, in retaliation for breaking my rule – the most common rule in every Asgardian household, to be exact – I didn't wait for Loki to fall asleep before wrapping myself around him. As expected, it took Loki more trouble than it did me to fall asleep. The next day it was the same. Loki washed my dishes with seiðr, and I made Loki uncomfortable at night. I didn't get annoyed at Loki the day after that as I couldn't find my hair pins and was running late to my meeting with Frigga. I didn't want to have any more issues with Loki's mother apart from the one that I already had. Interestingly enough, I ended up going home with a lemon cake for Loki (even though I told Frigga Loki was just beginning to accept solid food again) and using Loki's chest as a pillow. </p>
<p>By the sixth day, it was Loki who wrapped himself around me after I failed to snuggle to his side, proving that he did understand that people sometimes were fond of their routines. </p>
<p>All in all, Loki wasn't so difficult to train. </p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>Asgardians are predictable. That's something I have learnt in my short/long life to be practically a rule. They thought exactly what l said they would, albeit coupled with some other derogatory terms. But as Loki had said, he was used to it by now. No, I didn't think that was right, but what could I do? As my father so often remarked, Loki was only the spare. He could renounce his title and leave anytime he wanted. Except that there was one thing tethering him to Asgard. And no, that wasn't his mother. It was Sleipnir.</p>
<p>By coincidence, I thought to myself, my house had a clear view of the stables, and from day one, that proved to not be the best thing. Loki would sit in front of the window and stare out in the direction of the stables, sorrow written clearly across his face. I knew Loki had unsuccessfully tried to remove Sleipnir's bridle, but I didn't know how many times Loki had tried to do so. That Odin knew? Probably true. But I didn't think Odin was trying to punish Loki as he thought.</p>
<p>“It's true. Or more precisely, it was true.”</p>
<p>“Huh?” I asked, a little alarmed to be honest.</p>
<p>“I was a skilled shapeshifter. And I know-" <span>Loki bunched his fists in his pants</span> “-I know that if they hadn't taken Sleipnir from me, he would be a skilled shapeshifter too.”</p>
<p>“I thought you gave him up.”</p>
<p>“Gave him up, you say? I did no such thing. I never would.”</p>
<p>“Well, I thought that… with Sleipnir being… you know…"</p>
<p>“He is not just the get of a horse as Sif loves to taunt.”</p>
<p>“I would never say-"</p>
<p>“Nor were the others monsters.”</p>
<p>“Of course not.” Wait. “What others?”</p>
<p>“I've done <em>everything</em> she has asked of me.” He screwed up his face. “I have aided her with her twisted experiments, and still… I still see no results. If anything, she is making the situation worse.”</p>
<p>“I'm sure that, whatever it is, you'll have a breakthrough sooner or later,” I said uneasily. There were Loki's trances, and there were Loki's divulgences. I didn't like either, but I preferred his trances, even though divulgences meant I was learning something new about Loki's life. He was more distant when he spoke than when he stared off into the distance.</p>
<p>“Sooner would be preferable.”</p>
<p>“Naturally.”</p>
<p>Loki turned to face me. “Would you like my help with anything?”</p>
<p>“No, no. I'm fine. It's a small house, and I only clean once a week.” I gave a nervous laugh from my spot next to the paint buckets. Loki must be used to everything being pristine, and now here was my house that was just… there. It must look dirty to him, but I couldn't imagine he knew how to clean a house without seiðr. Or how to make his own bed for that matter.</p>
<p>“It's cozy.”</p>
<p>“Yes, it is.”</p>
<p>“I like it here.”</p>
<p>I spread my hands. “You can stay as long as you want.”</p>
<p>“No, I wouldn't like to impose my presence.”</p>
<p>Loki returned to the window.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>Loki left a few days after. His excuse was that he didn't want to make things worse, but why not go and then come back? Loki shook his head. He was probably wondering if I realized it was improper. Especially considering he had already stayed for weeks. </p>
<p>“People think we are betrothed, anyway,” I grumbled. The fear of what Loki would say to that didn't cross my mind then. </p>
<p>Loki turned sharply. “What?”</p>
<p>I scratched the back of my head. “I don't know. Your mother came up with it, but I don't know where she got it from.”</p>
<p>“And you-"</p>
<p>“I tried telling her it isn't like that. I swear it! But she wouldn't budge.” Loki pinched the bridge  of his nose. “That's another thing you'll have to fix,” I said meekly, bordering on apologetic. </p>
<p>“Yes. Worry not. I shall speak to her, set the record straight, and you will be free to get engaged to whomever you wish in no time. This, I swear.”</p>
<p>“That isn't the problem. I thought you'd have more of a problem with it, to be honest."</p>
<p>Loki nodded. “Feel free to come to the palace whenever you feel comfortable.”</p>
<p>“Will do,” I promised, unsure if I wished to continue my lessons with Frigga or of what would become of my lessons with Loki now.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>When Loki showed up at court the following day, people were shocked. As far as they could see, he was perfectly able to speak. Certainly, it was a shame that Asgard had lost its Silvertongue, but was the king absolutely sure that it was not better if he was permanently silenced? Odin had declared that the punishment for a childish prank had been met and therefore fulfilled.</p>
<p>That was all I knew on the matter, and all I cared to know. I was not getting involved in that again.</p>
<p>The house felt odd after Loki left, which was odd in itself. It felt lonely and that didn't make any sense, because I hadn't felt lonely before. I thought I might be missing Loki, but that didn't make sense either. Loki was not a reliable person. I had understood that from the beginning. Since the first time he left on one of his century-long travels. I had only been seeing Loki two days a week, and that was when he was actually in Asgard. So what was making it feel lonely? The strangest thing, I thought, was how Loki's presence hadn't changed a thing about the house's atmosphere… until he left. Which left me thinking, should I go to the palace or not?</p>
<p>I imagined that Loki's brother wasn't too happy with me. “I held him down myself,” Thor had said. And what was that supposed to mean? How was that supposed to help his case? It was hard to believe I ever had a crush on him, but in my defense, every other girl had too. “Hrafn, you must understand….” Frigga couldn't be pleased either. Our last lessons together, after all, were what I called unnecessarily tense. One of the advantages of being a commoner was not having to be a queen before a mother, or a king before a father as the case might be.</p>
<p>Maybe it was better if I didn't go back to the palace, and maybe it was better if I-</p>
<p>A knock at the door broke my train of thought.</p>
<p>“Coming!” I called, frowned, and went to open the door. “Oh, hey! It's you.”</p>
<p>“Expecting someone?” Loki asked with one of his arched eyebrows.</p>
<p>“No, I don't get visitors here.” I made a sweeping gesture with my hand. “Come in.”</p>
<p>Loki entered the house with long, determined strides. It was so annoying when he did that.</p>
<p>“I have spoken with my mother, and she has agreed to leave you be. The official story is that your family called off the engagement because of what happened with Sif and subsequently the dwarves.”</p>
<p>I wrinkled my nose. “Why not the truth?”</p>
<p>“It won't look good on either party.” He grimaced. “My mother sends- well, it's a gift from both of us, but I understand if it is too much.” My eyes widened. A golden apple had appeared in Loki's hand. “I know how selfish it is of me to ask this of you, but I would do it all the same.” Loki paused. A pause in which I didn't dare speak. “My mother and I will procure another one for whomever you wish to marry if that is what you want.”</p>
<p>“Why a golden apple?” I asked when I finally managed to get my mouth working again. </p>
<p>“As you know, the lifespan of a common Asgardian is not quite as long as one of the nobles, and I would be delighted to prolong yours. With your consent, of course.”</p>
<p>My eyebrows rose up my forehead. “Why?” </p>
<p>“I owe you for lost time, do I not?”</p>
<p>“Go on.”</p>
<p>He huffed. “I could use some help with the paperwork, and I hope you know how much it pains me to say so. My father has a thing in which he assigns extra work when Thor and I do something… displeasing. And I'm afraid I might have to leave again in the near future.”</p>
<p>“So soon?” I said sadly. When was Loki ever home anymore?</p>
<p>“No, hopefully not soon, but it is a possibility.”</p>
<p>“So why would I extend my life?”</p>
<p>“Is it truly so bad that I wish to find you here when I return?”</p>
<p>I straightened my back as Loki had taught me to do. I kept forgetting about this aspect of him. “Yes, it is, Loki. I'm not at your beck and call. I have a life, too. When you return, I'll probably have a family of my own, a husband to keep happy, children to take care of.”</p>
<p>Loki shifted on his feet. “Yes, I thought you might say that. Golden apples do not rot, and they not only prolong life, but also heal internal afflictions, so I implore you to take it anyway. It may come in handy in the future.”</p>
<p>“For a perceptive person, you really are oblivious.” I picked up the apple and turned it around in my hands. It was as smooth as a normal apple. I didn't know what I'd expected. The family thing was practically a lie. I didn't have any plans to have a family, nor could I see how the apple would be useful one day, but it would look nice amongst my little treasures under the bed, so, sure. I’d take it. </p>
<p>“So I've been told.”</p>
<p>“What if I don't want to help you with paperwork?”</p>
<p>Loki clasped his hands behind his back while taking a look around the house. “My understanding is that you've had a few disagreements with the queen and found her teachings to be-”</p>
<p>“Stupid.”</p>
<p>He sighed. “Dull. I was going to say dull.”</p>
<p>“But mainly stupid.”</p>
<p>Loki shook his head in amusement. “Lady Eir has informed me that Asgard is in need of a new generation of healers. Is that something that might interest you?”</p>
<p>I shrugged. “Might be.”</p>
<p>“Well, here you have the <em>paperwork</em> of what Lady Eir is looking for.”</p>
<p>Loki handed me a paper from the inside of his coat. Wait. I glanced outside. Wasn't it too warm for a coat?</p>
<p>“Where are you going?” I asked.</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>I startled to see Loki already at the door. “Where are you going after this?”</p>
<p>“I have a few things to straighten out by order of the king.”</p>
<p>Did Loki think I was stupid? Okay, so that was most likely true. He thought that of everyone. Most of all his brother, but that was kind of understandable. I knew Loki hadn't forgiven or forgotten about the lip sewing just as I knew that Loki was going back to Jötunheimr.</p>
<p>“So he won't mind if I go with you.”</p>
<p>“No, er, he asked me to go by myself.”</p>
<p>“And I will hear the Bifröst.”</p>
<p>“Hmm, I'm more of a stealth person. The Bifröst doesn't allow for that.”</p>
<p>“My prince, how stupid do you think I am?” I asked sweetly.</p>
<p>With a wrinkled brow, Loki said, “I'm afraid I don't recall-"</p>
<p>“I know you're going back to Jötunheimr!” I was beginning to feel an itch under my skin, and Loki's shocked expression was only fueling my anger.</p>
<p>“Alright, yes, but my father did order me to make it clear that I was done there. I should be back by the morrow.”</p>
<p>“And I can't go ‘cause you're visiting your lover,” I muttered under my breath. What did a lady have to do to get noticed around here?</p>
<p>“What was that?”</p>
<p>“Have a safe trip!” I said. Loudly. “You're getting old.” I walked to poke Loki on the forehead. “I think I see a wrinkle here.”</p>
<p>Loki rolled his eyes and batted me away. “Tomorrow, alright? I promise I'll see you tomorrow. Sitting room. Like usual.”</p>
<p>Tsk, as if I had an option.</p>
<p>I would begrudgingly accept that Loki's hugs were getting better. Just a tad. They still were what I called unnaturally awkward and in my opinion, he was out of practice. Good. Let him miss out on the joy of hugs. See if he missed me then. I was the best hugger. Or was Thor depriving me of that title? Because I had seen his hugs, and they looked bone crushing. Kind of made me want one.</p>
<p>But that didn't mean I wasn't mad at them. They were both so stupid that I had no doubt they would both burn Asgard to the ground. It was just a matter of time.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>There were a few things I had thought I knew about Loki for sure. He was pig-headed, arrogant, egotistical, not the ideal person to count on, but he kept his word. Loki was the Trickster and a skilled liar, but he kept his word. Guess I had been wrong about the last part.</p>
<p>And because Loki had promised he would be there, I waited for him in the sitting room. And because the guard who took me there told me that Prince Loki had said he was expecting me, it didn't occur to me that Loki wouldn’t show up. To his own chambers, even. But people made mistakes, and in my case, those had been believing in Loki, who must be so happy wherever he was, and… and that's pretty much it.</p>
<p>That was always my mistake.</p>
<p>Did I take Loki's word at face value? I do not know. Did I not question it nearly as much as I should have? I see now that was the case. Were there times when I questioned it too much? That is also true. Loki not showing up that day was just the beginning. </p>
<p>Before actually leaving the sitting room, I wandered around for a bit, flipping through Loki's books, changing their order, picking up trinkets, and placing them at random spots around the room. When I was leaving the sitting room, my eyes were drawn to where the ice figurine usually stood hidden under a handkerchief. I had noticed that it was always covered when I was in the room and the handkerchief was only removed after I left. I had wondered what that was about and did so again. Loki would rush to cover the figurine when I entered and uncover when I approached the door to take my leave. </p>
<p>The ice woman was gone now.</p>
<p>And had it been my imagination, or had there been water dripping from the shelf?</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>I was beginning to think that maybe I was the Asgardian that had changed jobs the most in such a comparatively short amount of time. It was usual for officers and the Einherjar to shift and rise in ranks, but it was not so for handmaidens. Handmaidens were handmaidens and typically remained so. Unless they got pregnant out of wedlock. Frigga didn't like that. Otherwise, she didn't mind. But the thing was that I hadn't always been a handmaiden and, strictly speaking, never was one to begin with. I was Loki's apprentice, then Frigga's, and, somewhere along the way, the name handmaiden was thrown in. But I was never their servant. Now, I was being trained as a healer.</p>
<p>Thinking about those changes was something I tried my best to avoid, but being one of the oldest and having next to no knowledge of healing was reminding me of the treasure of constancy. Changing jobs so often, could it be anything but failure? The others seemed to think so. Especially since it was rumored that I was transferred to be Eir's apprentice because my “engagement" to Loki was broken off. So, I needed something reliable, something I could count with, and, hopefully, this would be it. I was keeping my position at the Healing Rooms no matter what it cost, no matter how much time I would have to spend studying potions and healing spells. This was my priority. I needed it.</p>
<p>If I had to be modest, I would say that I was a decent cook, so, in theory, I wasn't bad at brewing potions. No, I wasn't half bad according to Eir, but there was still a tiny problem. Somehow, my potions had a stronger effect than usual, and that wasn't necessarily bad, but they could be considered excessive in some cases, Eir had said. I agreed. But mostly, I thought that Eir was saying that to keep me from being discouraged. There was no explanation as to why my potions were like that. Well, there was, but Eir couldn't pinpoint where and what I was doing wrong. Eir's continual fussing over my work had naturally drawn curious stares, making me slide down in my chair in embarrassment. It only fueled the gossip of the others. Nonetheless, I persevered. I had to.</p>
<p>So far, my house only contained the essentials and, as my friends Siv and Audhild had pointed out, it was beginning to feel impersonal. But that wasn't important at the moment. It was more about how I needed a source of income if I didn't want to keep using the gold from my savings. Back when I was still living with my father, he had taken care of the food and I only worried about my personal items. Obviously, that had changed, but I preferred my current situation as it was better than being nagged about marriage and unworthy men.</p>
<p>Anyway, having to go to the palace daily was not as exciting as others were led to believe. Sure, there were the overheard arguments of court that sometimes turned into what nobles liked to call “sparring,” but in truth they were no more civilized than a tavern fight. Although that could be because I never had any appreciation for that type of thing. Perhaps once. When I was little. But, the comings and goings of courtiers were not very interesting, nor was the Healing Room, and maybe that's what I liked about it. My potions might be a bit questionable, but I knew what to expect. Battle wounds and occasional births. I could count on that. Gruesome as it could be. </p>
<p>But then again, that wasn't the reason why I needed to “work” at the palace. It wasn't about it being the palace, but about the fact that they provided the food for apprentices, so that was one less thing I had to worry about. Candles were another thing I didn't feel I needed. Witch lights were perfectly able to provide illumination. So what I really had to worry about were taxes.</p>
<p>Oh, there's one thing I learnt from Frigga that I forgot to mention. How to grow a garden. I had helped Frigga with her garden, and I was now trying to grow one of my own. I even learnt how to make my own personal items with the products of my garden. It was satisfying.</p>
<p>Life was… simple. Especially now that Loki was gone from court. I guessed he left to live with his lover like the free spirit he claimed he was. I promptly put him out of my mind afterwards. I didn't want to think about him. If that was something that he would really do. </p>
<p>I had, from a young age, worried that I wouldn't fit. Growing without a mother or a maternal figure, after all, was not common in Asgard. And maybe it was indeed setting me apart.</p>
<p>An Asgardian’s main duties to the realm were to protect it from outsiders, respond to a call to arms with pride, and produce children. None of which I could do. The first two were the tasks of males and a few selected females. Nothing to worry about there, no fear of having to face spilled blood. But the third task was simply not something I could fulfill. Having a low fertility rate, the Æsir population had a few alarming lows after wars. This was mostly something that was kept quiet, though. Eventually, it became an unspoken social requirement to be engaged from a young age to show willingness to continue one's bloodline, even if it was worth nothing.</p>
<p>The Æsir were a warring race. Everyone knew that. War’s afflictions barely penetrated Asgard’s wall, but it was an ever existing risk. Knowing what it felt like to grow without a mother, it was not something I wanted for my fictional children. I knew I was being stupid, but, for me, it was a very real possibility.</p>
<p>All the same, life was simple. It wasn't what I had expected, and I wasn't exactly happy, but I was… content. Yes, that sounded fitting. My life consisted of the Healing Room, the occasional social time with my friends, the garden, and a few drawings. The time of my interactions with the royal family was over. </p>
<p>Well, except for Sleipnir. But, since Sleipnir was a horse, he didn't count. He was okay. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To say that visiting Sleipnir without Loki was weird would be a horrible understatement. It was beyond strange. And, before there were any misunderstandings, I didn't have any particular issues with Sleipnir being a horse, but, since I was crude on the body language of horses, it was… awkward, to say the least, when Sleipnir attempted to communicate with me. He understood what I said, I knew, but I couldn't say the same about myself. </p>
<p>It mattered little in the end. I always ended half-draped over Sleipnir's body, brushing the pad of my fingers over the coarse patches of black fur on his neck. I would think of Loki then, and my spirits would darken. I was thankful he taught me the sleeping spell he used to take care of the guards posted at the entrance of Sleipnir's stable stall as it allowed me to visit Sleipnir, but the thought of Loki wasn't welcomed. At all. See, I'd think, <em> It's a shame I can't cloak myself from Heimdall's sight. He could see me if he chose to turn his sight to the stables, but why would he do that? That's stupid </em> . And then I'd wonder, <em> But what if Heimdall does? What would Loki say then? </em> And I hated that. As much and as strongly as I could, I hated caring about Loki, what he'd say, what he'd think, what he'd do. </p>
<p>I hated it. It was that simple. </p>
<p>I seethed, of course. I hated that, too. I had risked something I still didn't understand by helping Loki. By cutting the thread keeping his mouth shut. I didn't need to do that. Loki would have been fine either way. Sure I knew that. I also didn't need to indulge Frigga when she got her crazy idea that Loki and I were going to marry. Seriously, where did she get that? I shouldn't have let that go on. Because as much as I had stressed over what would happen when Loki heard of it, I did allow myself to hope. For what? I didn't know. Didn't people say “mother knows best”?</p>
<p>Stupid, stupid, childish infatuation. </p>
<p>I was warned, yes. I chose not to hear, true. But they were wrong, too. I wasn't hurt because my feelings weren't reciprocated. I knew they weren't. I was hurt because I knew what it was like to live with Loki, and I liked it, and now I felt lonely because he was gone. Had left for Jötunheimr. And the other sad truth was that I was too prideful to admit this to anyone, much less my father, and that's why I seethed. My father, for instance, had kicked me out of the house in spite of how many times I tried to explain to him that my engagement to Loki was a lie. I wasn't a beggar. I wasn’t going back to him when I could perfectly live on my own.</p>
<p>That, too, made me an outcast. </p>
<p>And I couldn't tell Sleipnir any of this. I imagined he already heard enough shit about Loki as it was. Bitterly, I wondered what a fucking failure I must be to have a horse as my best friend, and then I'd feel guilty. Really guilty because Sleipnir wasn't just a horse, and who cared if he were?</p>
<p>I told Sleipnir of my garden, of my paintings, of a few promising suitors who were still interested in me. Frikka was soon to be married, I added. I told him of my friends, my father, my mother. Sometimes, I'd chip away at the wood of the walls while I spoke, my knees drawn up to my chest. Other times, I'd trail my index finger over Sleipnir’s bridle, mind blank at the constant humming I felt from the damned contraption.</p>
<p>I never told Sleipnir of the rumors circulating the Healing Rooms. I never even referenced Loki. I wondered if Sleipnir found me boring. I imagined I must have been. No particular reason, though. He seemed happy enough to see me, anyway, with his tail swinging evenly and with his ears alert. So, I kept going back. </p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>“Si-"</p>
<p>“What?” I slammed the book on the table. “Just what?”</p>
<p>“I'm sorry for interrupting, but Lady Eir has requested your presence in Room 2,” the girl said meekly.</p>
<p>“Whatever,” I muttered under my breath and pushed the book across the table, almost making it crash to the floor. Would there ever be a time when my potions would be just right? This was proof that time didn't solve a lot of things.</p>
<p>I began by storming towards the room, tension clear in the set of my shoulders, and slowly acquired the dignified pose Eir wanted from her healers. I didn't check the paper attached to the door, nor did I knock. I opened the door and gently closed it behind me, used to how Eir did things around here, yet not used to being needed by her.</p>
<p>Eir, with her honey gold hair arranged in an elaborate braid on top of her head, was taking notes while occasionally looking at whoever had the misfortune to land themselves in the Healing Rooms.</p>
<p>“How's the potion for regrowing skin coming along?” Eir asked.</p>
<p>I sighed. “Still causing lumps.”</p>
<p>“I'm sure you will get it right. Again.”</p>
<p>Yes, again. I didn't miss how she added that at the end. I had been doing fine with my potions, but as it had happened before, they began getting too potent a few days ago. And like before, Eir couldn't pinpoint where I was going wrong. Wonderful as always.</p>
<p>“But in this case, I'm in need of one of your… magnified potions.”</p>
<p>Magnified? At this point, Eir could have said whatever she wanted about my potions and I wouldn't have been offended. In any case, had I heard correctly?</p>
<p>“Yes, indeed. One of your potions should get rid of second degree malnutrition in no time.”</p>
<p>It was a curious case, I thought later as I stirred the potion. The rare times we had admitted someone for malnutrition, the person had looked skeletal, but, more importantly, that person had always been some important prisoner of war. Was Asgard involved in another war? No, we would have already heard of it at the Healing Rooms.</p>
<p>But, come to think of it, I hadn’t seen the person. The pale blue curtains were draped around the bed, shielding the person from sight. I had no way of knowing for sure who they were, but they had to be important. Eir only treated malnutrition with potions if it was third degree. Otherwise, Eir prescribed a diet. And obviously, potions were reserved for the nobles, so another reason why the person must have been important.</p>
<p>As I entered the room, I tried to take a peek at the patient, but Eir was ready to receive the potion as soon as I had stepped inside. Eir shushed me out of the room and closed the door behind me.</p>
<p>Rude.</p>
<p>I returned to the table I had been sitting at before being interrupted. I opened the book, removed my bookmark, and began rereading the tedious instructions of the potion for regrowing skin. I had tried going over the steps in order to figure out the problem to no avail. I was as lost as I had been that morning. And that was not to say I was a bad healer. In fact, I was one of Eir's best, partly due to my efficiency, which was naturally a result of my potions’ potency. All the same, I had to figure this out, but with my curiosity, which made me unable to not send darting glances in the direction of Room 2 every couple of minutes, made that prospect look rather unachievable for the time being.</p>
<p>I lost track of time, though not as easily as I would have liked, and, before I knew it, the candles were being lit, and I was one of the last remaining healers when the door of Room 2 finally opened to reveal Eir.</p>
<p>Eir in all her composure, for she was no less regal than Frigga, looked taken aback when she spotted me sitting at the table. “Oh, dear. You're still here.”</p>
<p>I cocked my head to the side with a frown.“Yes?”</p>
<p>“But, are you not excited? Have you not a dress to choose? I would not begrudge this.”</p>
<p>I scrunched up my nose. “Why would I need to choose a dress?”</p>
<p>“For the feast, dear. It's tomorrow. Although it makes sense that you have not heard of it. It was announced this morning, and I would agree with you that it is quite distasteful to hold a feast in such short notice.”</p>
<p>"Is it a special occasion?”</p>
<p>“Oh, yes. A census of unmarried Asgardians will be taken at the entrance.” My feelings on the matter must have been clear on my face for Eir said, “Absurd, is it not?” with an air of complete agreement before shaking her head. “As if marrying early were helping matters.”</p>
<p>Eir turned around with a final shake of her head and entered what I had dubbed “Eir's office,” leaving me thinking about what she had said. It sounded like attendance was mandatory, and even if it wasn't an official decree, a societal expectation was more than enough to make it so.</p>
<p>I stared at the ceiling before packing my things to head home.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>As I approached my house, I noticed the figures of two women waiting at my door. Stepping closer, I realised who they were with a sigh. Like schoolgirls, the women waved at me. I sighed again. Louder. Hoping they understood I was in no mood for their nonsense today. </p>
<p>“Birdie, what took you so long?” Siv asked.</p>
<p>“Work. What do you think?” I replied. Too gruffly, perhaps, so I amended, “I'm having trouble with my potions again.”</p>
<p>“Oh, please. I know the Healing Rooms are rarely busy.”</p>
<p>“That doesn't mean I don't have things to do.”</p>
<p>“But you heard about the feast, right?” Audhild asked. “Rumor is that the Royal Family has an important announcement to make.” Her eyes sparkled. “Do you think Prince Thor has finally chosen a bride?”</p>
<p>Siv and Audhild spiraled into a discussion of whom they thought Thor had chosen as I unlocked the door to my house and let them in with a little reluctance. What was the point of learning the overcomplicated wards Loki had placed on his chambers if I was going to let these nuisances in, anyway? Friends, I reminded myself. They were my friends, and I loved them very much. Some part of me sounded sceptical of my reasoning, suggesting that I was not putting in enough effort about keeping in touch with my friends. I was like an old lady, I feared. The actual old lady living next to me had told me as much about a week ago when she caught me returning home from the Healing Rooms. She'd asked, “What is such a lovely, young girl like yourself doing living on her own?” She'd laughed then, high pitched and grating on the ears. My neighbour liked gossip. If she had any interest in me, it was because of my previous connections with the Royal Family. And, speaking of gossip…</p>
<p>Audhild and Siv continued to fawn over the Golden Prince as I prepared dinner. I abstained from telling my friends anything that could be held against me as I chopped a few carrots. Not that there was much to tell. I didn't actually know much of Thor as he'd never minded me much and what I knew came from Loki, who obviously wasn't a trustworthy source. As likeable as he was, I didn't think Thor would make a good husband, not a devoted one at least, but I said nothing. After all, I had once joined in their gossiping. Centuries ago.</p>
<p>Audhild asked, “Who do you think he chose?”</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>Siv rolled her eyes. “Yes, you, Birdie.”</p>
<p>I paused to consider. Thor didn't look overly interested in marriage at the moment, so I replied “Oh, I don't know. I don't think he has chosen someone yet.”</p>
<p>Audhild whined. “Come <em> on </em>. Just take a wild guess.”</p>
<p>I shrugged, wiping my hands on my apron to look for a cooking pot. </p>
<p>“What's the point of you working in the palace if you're not paying attention?” Siv complained.</p>
<p>“Uh, I do pay attention. To what's important, meaning my job.”</p>
<p>“Whomever she is will be your future queen,” Siv said while Audhild nodded along.</p>
<p>“Well, I'll know when she's actually my queen.” </p>
<p>
  <em> Please gods, don't let it be Sif, don't let it be Sif… </em>
</p>
<p>Siv huffed. “Whatever. We are choosing your dress.”</p>
<p>I liked something about my friends and that was that despite their love of gossip and their reproach of my not bringing them anything juicy, they never pressed me for details about the House of Odin. Not when I was Loki’s apprentice, not when I was Frigga’s, and not now that I was Eir's. They never commented about my “engagement" to Loki. Maybe they knew it was fake even before I told them. However, I had my reservations about Siv and Audhild choosing my dress for the feast. They liked the type of dresses that my father and I have always thought to be scandalous, intended for the spotlight. I, on the other hand, didn't enjoy bringing more attention to myself than was necessary. Not anymore, at least. I would trust Frikka to pick my dress, but Siv and Audhild… <em> hmm </em>.</p>
<p>Audhild walked into the kitchen and stood next to me, giving me a squeeze with an arm wrapped around my waist. “It'll be fun, I promise. You'll look gorgeous.”</p>
<p>I sighed, for I didn't have much of a choice. I was the only one in my social group who was not engaged, and although I had no plans for changing that, I should at least look like I was trying. I would acquiesce to stepping up my game even if it was for myself. Maybe especially because it was for myself.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>In the end, my friends decided on a greenish dress with slight turquoise accents and gold embroidery that they insisted matched me perfectly. I disagreed. Maybe it matched my eyes, but I thought that the dress rather brought memories of someone unpleasant. It was a bad omen. I should have seen it from the moment Siv threw the dress at me.</p>
<p>We were matching. Of course we were fucking matching. What was he even doing here? He hadn't shown his stupid face in Asgard for centuries and now… boom! He was here.</p>
<p>Apparently, the great announcement was Loki's return to court.</p>
<p>I was itching all over. I wanted to change the colors and gods knew I could, but no. Nope. Loki had already seen me in the dress. That was how I knew he was back. We had brushed against each other, and Loki had actually tried to talk to me, ha, but I walked right past him. His official return was announced about an hour later. </p>
<p>Loki was not ruining my night. Hence, I wouldn't alter the dress.</p>
<p>But people would whisper. They would gossip like they were wont to do, and they would say that our matching attire was planned even though it absolutely hadn't been (but of course it had. Siv, that bitch. She was not getting away with this).</p>
<p>It didn't matter. A hundred people had seen the dress by then, and I didn't want to hear the tongues of my friends. And I wouldn't give Loki the satisfaction of making me uncomfortable again. Even if people got the weird idea that I still had anything to do with him. </p>
<p>My initial raging aside, I came to enjoy the feast. As always and forever, free food was welcome. The mead wasn't so bad either; it was passable. Dining in the Great Hall knowing that my father was somewhere among the tables and that he had celebrated here so many times had made me feel queasy, had made my stomach churn. We hadn't spoken in so long. The mead got me to loosen up, but it didn't help me find the courage I needed to talk to my father. </p>
<p>I reconnected with a few childhood friends, and it was not surprising to know that they were all married or engaged. It made a buried part of me feel lonely, isolated amidst the sea of people. </p>
<p>Audhild had separated from us about half an hour ago and Frikka hadn't left her husband's side, so it was up to Siv, whose betrothed didn't mind much her comings and goings, to pull me by the elbow to where a couple dozen Asgardians had begun to dance. I had the scurrying thought that I had drunk more mead than I should have, for I doubted I would have let Siv pull me into dancing with a stranger otherwise. Plus, I was horrible at dancing. Siv often made fun of me for that.  </p>
<p>It was late into the night, but being an Asgardian feast, things had not died down a bit when Siv allowed me some time to rest from our running around. I was giddy, true, often giggling at the silliest of things, but I was tired. Exhausted, even. The constant studying of potion instructions that I never seemed to get right was taking a toll on my body. Siv didn't have to worry about such things. Neither did Audhild or Frikka for that matter. Siv was still full of pent up energy. So I sat by myself at some remote table near one of the corners of the Great Hall with my eyes closed, for Siv had disappeared into the crowd a while ago.</p>
<p>“Has the feast been enjoyable?”</p>
<p>Ugh. I knew that voice. Smooth as velvet, people called it. I thought it sounded slightly croaky now. It was enough to pick my curiosity that my eyelids fluttered open despite how much I'd have liked to ignore the situation altogether.</p>
<p>“So far, yes.” <em> Until now </em>.</p>
<p>“I tried to speak with you earlier, but I don't believe you noticed.”</p>
<p>Was Loki actually telling the truth this time, or were we playing at being polite?</p>
<p>“But to what do I owe the honor, my prince?”</p>
<p>Loki sighed, dropping his gaze to the floor, picking at the skin of his palm. “I swear that this time I have a very good reason for-"</p>
<p>“I don't pretend to know my lords’ minds, much less expect them to explain themselves to me. That would be improper, would it not? To give myself such importance.” I shook my head in the same condescending manner in which I had seen Eir do so many times before.</p>
<p>“Hra-“</p>
<p>“But please, my prince, do continue.”</p>
<p>Loki gave a wince that I had no doubt was calculated to appease me. “If I could speak to you in private? It’s delicate.”</p>
<p>Wasn't it always?</p>
<p>“I would rather not. It would look untoward, you understand.” In fact, we had already drawn some curious looks, hungry for gossip. </p>
<p>“It would just be-"</p>
<p>“You're scaring away suitors, my prince,” I said in a cold, clipped tone. I didn't need this again. Any of this. </p>
<p>Loki's eyes pinched. “Of course. I understand. I shall not molest you any longer.”</p>
<p>Before leaving, Loki gave me a bow that I looked upon with a certain disdain. I wouldn't put it past him to bother me in some other way. How many times had I helped him do the same to other people?</p>
<p>I darted my eyes around the Great Hall in search of Siv and spotted her talking to- </p>
<p>Was I seeing right? That couldn't be. Siv was talking to Thor. And not just talking to him, she appeared to be flirting with him. That slippery, little-</p>
<p>Actually? This was perfect. Loki loathed his golden brother, and now I knew how to give a final twist of the knife. After all, hadn't I learnt from the best?</p>
<p>I went for another cup of mead before joining Siv and Thor and the surrounding courtiers, welcoming the lack of recognition for once.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>I tried to move only to find I was trapped. Both a heavy arm and a heavy leg were draped over me. The feeling wasn’t entirely unfamiliar, but there was something seriously wrong about the situation, my mind insisted, and somehow it wasn't the fact that there was someone else in my bed. But was this even my bed? It felt too soft, too cozy to be mine. Where else would I be, though? Come to think of it, how could I have gotten home?</p>
<p>The body pressed against me felt foreign. Too large for anyone I knew. Too bulky to be anyone I’d have let this close.</p>
<p>I was also aware of a thumping pain inside my head that only seemed to get stronger as my alertness increased and fuzzy images began to dance in my mind's eye. I tried blinking my eyes open, which led to the discovery of the impossibility of the task. The light was too strong for my sensible retinas.</p>
<p>I squirmed, trying to get out of the other person's hold. There was still plenty of space in the bed. This was most definitely not my bed.</p>
<p>My eyes flew open, my idled mind having finally interpreted the teasing memories of yesterday's night. This was not how it was supposed to go. I had never intended for it to get this far.</p>
<p>Someone barged in, throwing the door wide open. The noise ringed in my ears. </p>
<p>“Alright, fun time is over. We thank you for your time, but I'm afraid I must ask you to leave.”</p>
<p>A wave of his hand and the curtains were pulled farther apart, wide open for all to see my shame.</p>
<p>Could my day get any worse? I struggled to free myself and pick up my scattered clothing. I hadn't meant to end here. Definitely not like this. Maybe I should have buried myself under the covers instead of exposing my naked body to his sight, but all I could think about then was that I wanted to go home. </p>
<p>“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- I didn't know-" Loki began hastily, eyes blown wide.</p>
<p>“Loki, wait!” I called, but he had already turned away from me. </p>
<p>“No, no, no. My apologies. I hadn't meant to be so intrusive,” he stammered.</p>
<p>I attempted to call him back. I truly did, but Loki closed the door without a second to waste, leaving me standing alone in the morning light with only my torn dress to cover myself.</p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>During the last century, people had moved next to me, and I could feel their inquiring gazes on my back as I approached my house. I ducked my head, allowing my reddish hair to cover my reddening cheeks and flooding eyes.</p>
<p>Opening the door to my house, I felt no better about what had happened. Especially not after Thor blinked awake when Loki slammed the door behind him, finally seeming to recognize me, asking “Wait, aren't you-" But I didn't hear how he'd identified me. I couldn't. Thor was sluggish enough that he didn't expect me to send him back to sleep.</p>
<p>I locked the door behind me and slid down to the floor, bringing my knees to my chest and resting my forehead against them. This was my greatest mistake so far, and I very much doubted that anything could top it. I would never escape the shame. Gossip of the heir’s latest conquest would die out in less than a week, but the memory would always be etched in my mind. Well, the fact that I slept with Loki's brother. I couldn't remember my first time. I didn’t know if that was a blessing. I lost my purity to a one stand, and if I had entertained the idea of marriage lately, then I could be sure that it would never happen now. Just like a reconciliation with my father, my only living family, was no longer in the realm of possibility. But what most concerned me at the moment was Loki.</p>
<p>Maybe I hadn't lost hope that he cared, and maybe I hadn't completely forgotten my adolescent infatuation as I had thought, but what did it matter now? Loki wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore. I laughed like a crazy lady at that. Wasn't that what I'd wanted?  To make it clear to Loki that I didn't want him around?</p>
<p>Would working at the Healing Rooms be uncomfortable from now on?</p>
<p>I hoped not. I liked working there. </p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>My mistake was not supposed to have any consequences on my life apart from the regret it left behind. And, as I mentioned before, I didn't intend to actually sleep with Thor. But, being whom I was, regret was not the only thing that stayed with me.</p>
<p>The first thing was the strange metallic taste I sometimes felt in my mouth. I ignored that as I ignored the fatigue I had begun to feel, the drooling, the tenderness in my breasts, and the nausea. I simply didn't take notice of them. I was starting to know the true meaning of exhaustion as I struggled to remain focused on my potions, as I attempted to follow Eir's orders down to the tiniest of details, and, more importantly, as I tried to avoid crossing paths with Loki. The first time Loki entered the Healing Rooms after the feast, I almost died. I didn't know what had gotten in his head now, but he had apparently taken up sparring again according to the other healers. It wasn’t like Loki became a common sight around the Healing Rooms, but he could be considered a recurrent patient, especially considering he could heal fine on his own. In minutes, at most. Unless he wanted to skip a training session, but wasn't Loki too old for that? Anyway, I went through a great deal of trouble to ensure Loki wouldn’t be assigned to me by doing more chores for Eir. It took a chunk of my time, and I didn't have to speak with the others, though that might have helped fuel the gossiping Eir so detested. </p>
<p>But, when I noticed I hadn't menstruated for over a month, I got worried, and yet even that I pushed away.</p>
<p>Unlike me, a little under four months after the feast, Eir had taken notice of the changes. As she told me one afternoon before sending me home, she had been the Head Healer long before I was even born. She knew what pregnancy looked like.</p>
<p>“My dear, you cannot fool me. The constant trips to the lavatory, the dizzy spells, and don't think I have not heard you vomiting.” Eir's eyes traveled down to my stomach. I shifted on my feet, wrapping my arms around my belly; I knew what Eir was going to say. “But, more importantly, the roundness of your belly is unmistakable to my trained eyes.”</p>
<p>I blushed. Despite how much I wanted to, I couldn't ignore how my clothes had begun to feel tight around the middle.</p>
<p>“You do not have to tell me who the sire is, but you know the palace’s rules. No unmarried, expectant woman may work here unless it is in the position of a servant.” Sadness clouded Eir's face, but I would daresay it was disappointment. “I loathe to say this, believe me, but you must either get married or abort the child if you wish to continue working here.”</p>
<p>So, there it was. The time when I had been able to ignore the child growing inside me had come to an end. I either lost my job or got rid of the child. There was really only one option: I was getting rid of it.</p>
<p>The dam that had held strong for so long finally collapsed.</p>
<p>&gt;°•°&lt;</p>
<p>It is being treated as common knowledge that Váli is Loki's son. That, for example, is a rumour for the simple fact that Loki and I were never officially together, much less married, which is the other thing being said about my son. That Váli is a bastard, which I cannot deny. Not that it should matter, because it shouldn't. But that's not how it works. A bastard is a bastard, and Váli happens to be one. </p>
<p>They pity me. I have to take a deep breath, hold it, and exhale slowly whenever they direct that heavy, seemingly gentle, yet horrendously infuriating gaze at me. So what if Váli's a bastard? What if he's Loki's son? He's the child Thor carries around like his right-hand man to Váli's utter delight. He's the child who sits at Frigga's feet while she weaves. He's the only child seen in Odin's hand. The only person now allowed to ride Sleipnir. </p>
<p>I hate that, too, by the way. How Loki isn't here to see all of this. How I’m seen as his mistress, which is just the nice term for what they really think of me at the Healing Rooms. Subtler, in the far reaches of my mind, I resent how Thor brandishes his title of “uncle.”</p>
<p>But I'm not a bitter person. So, I take a deep breath, hold it, exhale slowly, and I smile. If Váli’s happy, then I'm happy. It can be that easy. That simple, quiet contentment spreading through my body at the sight of my child’s crooked smile. </p>
<p>~°•°~</p>
<p>I woke today with a start. Not nearly enough to wake Váli, who had taken up the practice of sleeping with me shortly after Loki left us, but enough to surprise myself. I blinked at the sight of my son, threading a numb hand through his hair, watching as he sucked his thumb in his sleep. I can’t recall what I had been dreaming of, and why should I bother? But, I woke with the realization that I haven't seen my friends in months. Worse, I haven't even received a letter from them. I admit we haven't seen each other very often since I became pregnant with Váli, maybe a little less since Loki moved in because I never told them the name of the man I was living with and they thought that was sketchy, but at least we held a regular correspondence. Have I truly retreated that much from the world? Maybe I should take Frigga up on that talking thing she suggested. Not that I think I need it. It's obvious why Váli bothers my friends. I’m unwed; he’s a bastard.</p>
<p>Frigga also recently suggested granting Váli a private tutor as if my child needs to know the names of every treaty out there and what they mean for Asgard, which is pretty useless to know for people like Váli and me. Useless knowledge. That's what this private tutor would be filling Váli’s head with, so I refused. It's not like I don't know what type of children are Váli’s current classmates, but they're not that different from Váli, seeing as they are all bastards. What does it matter if Váli only learns the basics of everything as opposed to the most sophisticated sparring techniques, the most elegant diction, and the most detailed history of Asgard? What good will any of that do him? I never meant to get this involved with the Royal Family to begin with. </p>
<p>Again, “mistress” is just a nice term for what they really think of me. Did Loki ever think of me like that?</p>
<p>I hate that I care about such things.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I thought to include the meaning of other names, because why not?</p>
<p>Váli - Unknown but suggested to mean "The Arguing One."<br/>Eir - Peacefulness, mercy.<br/>Thor - Thunder.<br/>Odin - Master of Ecstasy; The Mad One.<br/>Frigg - Beloved.<br/>Sleipnir - The Sliding One.</p>
<p>Anyway, for anyone who is interested, the original idea for this work was an Asgardian woman being conflicted about Loki's actions and where her loyalty laid, because she obviously didn't agree with what he did, but she couldn't ignore what Loki had done for her in the past. Loki keeping a list of Thor's children was what inspired this, and the woman was part of the list. Somewhere along the way, that woman became Sigyn. Although, I think a few things have changed, even if only slightly, since I first posted this.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I think it's more appropriate to think of each chapter as a journal entry, of something Sigyn is recalling, which might be why changing this to the first person felt more motivating? I don't know.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Frigga seems to be revaluating her opinion of Váli lately. She hasn't been treating my son any differently that I can tell, and she still insists on that private tutor bullshit, maybe even with a little more fervor, but there's something different in her gaze. Am I imagining it? That can't be. Why would I be becoming paranoid? I'm not imagining it. Even Váli, who’s oblivious most of the time, has noticed the difference. Yesterday, when I picked him up at Frigga’s weaving room after being dismissed from the Healing Rooms for the day, he asked, “Mommy, doesn't Grandma look kind of funny at you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Funny how?” I tried to ask absentmindedly as if I hadn't been watching every move Loki's family made like a hawk. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Váli shrugged, skipping besides me. “I don’t know. Just funny.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” I mused, “maybe you did something Grandma didn't like. Something that took her by surprise?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope,” Váli replied, already letting go of the subject. “I'm a good boy. Grandma said so.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I mulled this new information over in my head. Knowing I wasn't imagining it was not as comforting as I would have liked. What could Frigga be thinking about? It couldn't be Váli’s parentage, could it? The first time she met my son, she didn't beat around the bush before accusing Váli of not being Loki's, even presenting a theory about how she knew it was true. I didn't deny it, of course. I imagine Frigga would know if I lied. So, what else does Frigga need to know on the matter? I'm not in search of gold or renown. Frigga, Thor, and Odin were the ones who chose to get involved in Váli's life. I don’t mind never taking Váli near them again as long as they don't say my son isn't Loki's. I know (of course I know. How couldn't I? I think of it everyday) that Loki didn't sire Váli, but it was Loki who helped me through it all, raising Váli as his own. And, I also know that if it hadn't endangered Váli, Loki would have never allowed anyone, not even his mother, to say Váli isn't his. Shouldn't Frigga and Odin know the feeling? I suppose I could ask the same of Loki.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, as if he could have known who I was thinking about, Váli asked, “When's Papa coming home?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&gt;°•°&lt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When I got home, I climbed into the couch and slipped out of my shoes, letting them drop to the floor. Usually, letting things strewn around on the floor would make my skin prickle with irritation, especially if I stared at it for too long, but I didn't have the energy to put my shoes inside the closet and move to the bed. I curled around myself. My cheeks felt puffy, and it burnt to keep my eyes open, so it didn't come as a surprise when I fell asleep on my couch not long after getting home. I would have slept on until morning if it hadn't been for the knocking at my front door late into the night that woke me up with a jolt. It could be considered indecent by all means if it wasn't an emergency, which I doubted was the case. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why couldn't people leave me to take delight in my misery by myself? I tried ignoring the knocking, but it became rather insistent in record time. I still didn't think it was an emergency. With my hair sticking out in all directions and my face looking nowhere short of furious, I pulled the door open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A wide-eyed young man greeted me at the door. “So, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I sniffled, wiping my nose with my sleeve. “I'm sorry, but do I know you?” A green shimmer covered the young man and Loki stood in his place. My shoulders slumped. “Great. It's you. What do you want?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was informed of your condition,” Loki replied.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you told my brother yet?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I sniffled again. Of course Loki wasn't above bringing that up. “What makes you think it's your brother's?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I-I just assumed-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I barked a bitter laugh. “That's the problem with you. You're always assuming”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was I imagining it, or was that actual sadness on the Liesmith's face?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I'm sorry,” he murmured, as if it meant anything by this point. “I shouldn't have.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Damn straight you shouldn't have” I snapped. “And stop acting. It's getting on my nerves.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I'm-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you even here? I swear that if you-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It is one of my duties to keep track of Thor's children, but as you s-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I frowned. “How many does he have?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Seventeen so far.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do they make you keep track of them?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It's self-imposed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You're a weirdo.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki snorted. “And here I thought you were creative.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shoved his shoulder. “Shut up.” He arched a brow, and I looked away. Shoving his shoulder was what I did when we were friends. “You don't have to worry about this one. I'm getting an abortion.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Loki asked sharply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I gripped the doorknob. I didn't need Loki judging me and my choices. Did he think this made me happy? That it was a joke to me, maybe? I knew what an abortion meant, but I couldn't afford to have a baby. Otherwise, I wouldn't even have thought about it. “Are you deaf, too?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki took a step closer to me, and I took a step back. “Why would you do that?” he asked. Strangely, he didn't sound accusatory. He sounded sad, but that didn't help me relax.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“None of your business,” I replied curtly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki shook his head. “I did not come here to argue. Just let me in.” His expression turned pleading. For some reason, it looked awful on him. Or maybe the problem was that it made </span>
  <em>
    <span>me </span>
  </em>
  <span>feel awful. “Please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I deflated, opening the door for him and walking to the kitchen to prepare the tea that helped with my dizziness and headaches. Loki didn't speak as he waited for me. When the water was warm enough, I sat in the chair in front of the one Loki had chosen for himself with a cup of tea in my hands.  Loki sat with an ankle over his knee, arms across the chair’s armrests. He still felt comfortable in my house after so long of being away. How nice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After finishing my tea, I set the cup on the table, which seemed to be the cue for Loki to start talking. He adopted the business tone I had rarely heard from him the few times a guard or a courtier had interrupted our lessons before explaining how only six of Thor's seventeen conceived children were alive. The count went like this: six of them were Asgardians and alive, two were stillborn, another two were miscarried, four had been Midgardian and had passed away, one was aborted, and the last two had died in battle. I didn't think I imagined the tone of sadness in Loki's voice at the last number, though Loki dismissed it with a flippant comment of “All of the ones I met were blond. Always asking why my hair wasn't like theirs.” He muttered something under his breath that sounded like “parasites,” but it sounded too fond to be that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If there had been more children, Loki continued, he didn't know. He followed the children's lives for as long as he was allowed to. Currently, Loki wasn't tracking any children. Thor had gotten more careful with time, Loki said, but if Thor had sired any more children during Loki's absence, which Loki claimed wouldn't be surprising, Loki had no way of knowing. That was good and all, but…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you tracking them?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki shrugged, looking down to where he'd begun to pick on the skin of his palm before stopping and splaying both hands against his legs. “I'm not sure.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a pause, unsure if it would be a good thing, I asked, “So, I'll just be another woman on your list?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I'm afraid so,” Loki replied, his voice devoid of emotion once more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I'm not keeping the child. How did you know I'm pregnant, anyway?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The funny thing was (because it had to be funny, right?) was that Eir thought Loki had sired my child. Something about our reunion rekindling the passions of youth, which had always been, of course, nonexistent. Bright side was that Loki had received the tongue-lashing and not me. Kind of. It was utterly humiliating. Even more so than becoming pregnant out of wedlock. Anyway, that was how Loki became aware of my pregnancy and of the precarious position of my job. Through Eir. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why, then, are you expecting me to keep the child if you know I can't afford it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can help you. If you permit it, that is,” he said as if it was no big deal when it was a pretty big, fucking deal. I was pregnant with his brother’s child. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How would you help me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eir has agreed to receive you back in the Healing Rooms after you deliver the child,” Loki explained unsatisfactorily and left it at that. But, I was not giving my child to Loki for him to do Norns-knew-what with it. He knew this, he assured me. I could return to my job and still keep the child. That sounded too good to be true. Did I even want the child? Or did I think I wanted it because I thought I couldn't keep it? They were valid questions. Like how would I pay for my things during the months I was pregnant? The months I would have to take care of the child day and night? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I shall take care of your expenses,” Loki answered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>My savior</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought sarcastically. No,  Loki wasn't doing that. I was not accepting Loki's gold. At what price would it come? What did he want from me?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing. I’m not asking for anything, Hrafn.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing?” I chuckled drily. “Am I supposed to believe that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I only ask that you return to the Healing Rooms. I don’t believe it is much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh, please. Everyone knew not to trust the Liesmith.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki huffed. “Think about it. What other options do you have?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shook my head. “Look, I'm still not sure if I want to keep it, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki propped his chin on his palm. “If you hadn't noticed, darling, you are about to reach the deadline.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I crossed my arms over my chest, finally admitting to  myself that yes, my breasts were tender. It wasn't fair that Loki was treating this so casually, as if we were discussing the weather for all he cared, but I supposed that we might as well be to Loki. So, no, it wasn't fair. It was very unfair. We were not only talking about me going through with the pregnancy, but about me raising a child, someone who would be completely dependent on me for decades, on my own. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I couldn't do that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki rose from his chair and straightened his coat, brushing some imaginary dust from it. “Very well. Shall I inform Eir of your decision? I believe she will be pleased to not have to let you go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took my silence to mean yes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I bit my lower lip. I would be consumed by guilt if I let Loki do that. Either thing. Helping me, or letting me get an abortion. I'd just feel more guilt if I killed the child. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait!” I shouted. Loki looked at me over his shoulder with his head cocked to the side, curious. “I accept.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And, that was how I made a deal with the devil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A month. Loki said he would be back in a month. In a month, life fell apart for me. Life, for me, could not depend on Loki coming back in a month. But it did. Sadly, it did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps life didn't necessarily crumble in a month, but things weren't looking very good for me. At least I had expected it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My family never had enough gold to be considered wealthy and an important Asgardian family, but that didn't mean we had been poor. Not even close. We were a high-middle class family with enough gold to be labeled as “important" by the common people. Within the citadel, we had enough resources to be vaguely known, so Asgardians knew who my father was. Knew who I was to a degree. The marriage fiasco that had occurred a few centuries before helped with that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That didn't matter much, though. Whoever you were, noble or commoner, no one wanted to be seen with you if you bore a child outside of wedlock, the path I was now walking. My friends were no different. They couldn't be seen with me without jeopardizing their own positions. I accepted it. It would be unreasonable to expect anything more than letters from them, but even that was more than what I had expected. Still, life was pretty boring then. I didn't dare venture outside. If Asgardian women bothered to learn more about seiðr, maybe I could talk with my friends through, say, astral projection, but few women learnt how to do that nowadays. Mostly, it was high-ranking women who learnt. The rest only learnt the basics.  Loki's favorite fields, for example, were in decline in Asgard. I was never taught a lot about the other realms to say how things worked there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anyway, it was just me in the house. Day in and day out. Always on a quest for entertainment.  The old lady, the one who asked me why I was unwed, had only inconvenienced me since she moved next to me a while ago. I was not ignorant to the amount of gossip that ran through the woman's mouth, so why expose  myself to that when it could be postponed? What would that woman say about my pregnancy? Who would she accuse of being the father? Norns, how widespread was the rumour that I slept with Thor? My friends easily dismissed it, but the woman? Wait, what if she thought of Loki like Lady Eir?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I buried my face in my pillow and screamed, a nice substitution for sobbing like someone had died, which wasn't entirely false. A part of me—the old me—died with the pregnancy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With my free time, I was able to reread the books I had laying around, some of which I hadn't touched since I moved to live on my own. I never understood why people reread books, and I couldn't say that the experience helped me in that regard, but it was something to do. A reminder of better times. I was saddened to find that my drawing skills had deteriorated, but what had I expected? I couldn't remember the last time I drew. The last thing that occupied my time were my experiments in the kitchen, prompting me to make a new book of recipes. Who cooked for my father now that I was gone?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But now, right at the moment I realised everything I built for myself had crumbled, I was bored. None of the things I had been doing appealed to me. It was late, and I could have been sleeping, but the anticipation that had accompanied me the last week wouldn't let me go to bed. My back pain would make it uncomfortable, anyway, I suspected.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Today, the one month met its end. It was late, and I was waiting for Loki. Well, that wasn't quite right. I wasn't waiting for Loki per se, but to see if he would actually show up, which he did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Couldn't you come earlier?” I whined, leaning against the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a raised brow, Loki replied, “Well, I can't be seen with you, can I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, that hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought, even though I knew the truth of that statement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do the thing you did last time. Problem solved.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki shook his head and handed me a bag. “That should be enough gold to cover your expenses for the next month. If you need anything else, do let me know. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I blinked, taken aback. Not slightly, but a lot. “Are you leaving already?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did I miss something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, you didn't.” I shrugged. “But I thought you would stay a little while.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki paused. “Stay a little while? Now, why would I do that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because we're friends?” I suggested uncertainly. “And we could catch up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki laughed. He laughed </span>
  <em>
    <span>at</span>
  </em>
  <span> me. Loki had promised he wouldn’t do that. “Oh dear, that pregnancy is truly doing wonders for your memory, is it not?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My eyes welled up with tears. This wasn't the Loki I remembered. “You don't have to be so mean,” I mumbled, though what I really wanted to say was “cruel.”</span>
  <em>
    <span> You don't have to be so cruel. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. “Don't be so idiotic next time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>An idea sparked in my mind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I find what you're saying very interesting.” My voice didn't waver despite the hollow pain in my chest. “Tell me, how's Sleipnir doing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki offered me a sharp smile.  Not the manic grin he wore when he was having fun at least. “None of your business.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really? I visited him a few times when you were gone, you know? He looked lonely. You know what I also noticed, Loki? That bridle suits him quite nicely.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I was playing dirty, and that's exactly how I felt. It was immature, too. Of both of us. But, Loki should have never made that comment about my pregnancy, especially not when he was the one who convinced me to go through with it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki snarled and held up a finger in warning. “Be careful of where you are going.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Or what? You'll what?” I taunted and shook the bag of gold, knowing the rattle would get on Loki's nerves. “What will you do if I don't?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki's eyes flashed, accompanied by a green spark of his seiðr, and that might have been the only time I ever doubted him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What are his limits?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wondered. I dismissed it quickly. Loki wouldn't. Even if I weren't with child, Loki would never. He knew it, too, because he took a deep breath and shoved his hair back away from his face. “I'm not wasting my time with you,” he muttered before whirling around to walk away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good luck finding another friend,” I shouted at his retreating back. “Asshole!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I slammed the door close and went to flop down on the couch, tears running down my cheeks. I rubbed my swollen belly, sniffling when the child’s limbs pushed against my skin. When had things become like this with Loki?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not five minutes later, there was knocking on my door again. I had no intention to move from the couch, so a muffled voice filtered in. “I'm sorry, alright? You were right, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How much does it pain you to say so?” I called back. No response. Thought so. “Are you still there?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“May I come in?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I snuggled into the couch, grabbing the cream blanket I kept there and wrapping it around myself. Loki really had no shame. Insulting me and then coming back with a simple “I'm sorry.” Which okay, that probably meant a lot in Loki-language but not in mine. If Loki thought that made things alright, then he had learnt nothing. People didn't apologize and magically made everything okay. That's not how it worked, and somehow that didn't compute with Loki. And, I was not letting him in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Damn my curiosity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you still doing here?” I asked when I opened the door for a second time that night. Loki was sitting next to the door, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his knees. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up. “What are you doing opening the door?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Kick him while he's down</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought, so I did, because Loki deserved it for multiple reasons I couldn’t care to name. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gasped. “I said I'm sorry!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I kicked him again. “Go on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki closed his eyes, breathed in deeply, and sighed. “We are friends.” I raised my foot again because, seriously, did he think that was enough? Loki rushed to continue. “And you're not stupid! You're not. I'm the stupid one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What else?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can't be seen with you.” That gained another kick. “Wait! Let me explain, yes?” A nod. “If my father thinks the child is mine, like Lady Eir, he will take it from you. Would you risk that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I deflated. No, I wouldn't. That didn't mean I believed him. I knew it was unreasonable (and stupid) to ask Loki to stay when my friends wouldn't. It was the same thing. wasn't it? Plus, I had abused Loki enough for one night. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It's because you don't want to,” I concluded, feeling my eyes glistening again. “You could just teleport in and out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki startled. “I didn't think you would like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I pointed to a chair. “Grab that chair and put it in front of the couch. Then sit.” Loki did as told, and I closed the door behind us and resumed my position on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now what?” he asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I pushed my feet into his lap. “Rub my feet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gaped. “Are you serious?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Rub my feet,” I repeated sternly. “Or get out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” Loki grumbled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I knew it was just for show. Loki knew that I had meant it about looking for another friend. He didn't have anyone else. I was sure. That had to be why Loki came back, right? I thought that Loki wasn't so bad at foot rubs before falling asleep on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because I clearly remembered falling asleep on the couch, waking in my bed didn't make sense. Maybe I had dreamt it. And, because I was the only house's inhabitant, the smell of food drifting into the room couldn't be coming from inside the house, but it sure made my stomach grumble. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I walked groggily to the living room, finding that the smell got stronger with every step. To myself, not expecting an answer at all, I asked, “What's that smell?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever was served at breakfast this morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I yelped. “What are you doing here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>From his position on the couch, Loki raised his head from the book in his hand, eyes gleaming with weariness. “I thought you didn't like it when I left without notice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That's true. I didn't.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki closed the book and took his legs out from beneath his body, setting his feet on the floor. “Should I leave then?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I thought it over. These days, it was either Loki's company or being alone, and I was bored. Something I ought to give Loki credit for was that time spent with him wasn't dull. “How often are you bringing me food?” Valid question, right?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How often should I bring food?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don't think you get it, Loki. It's free food.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Technically</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki chucked softly. “All the food I give you is free food.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Noticing the containers set upon it, I walked to the table. As I opened the containers, I thought that it was not enough for two and asked, “Did you eat already?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rising to his feet, Loki responded, “I'm not in the habit of eating breakfast.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why not?” I enquired, and when Loki sat at the table next to me, I poked the hollow of his cheek.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was not permitted that luxury,” he replied with a sigh. I poked him again, and Loki batted my hand away. “Will you stop that?” Instead of verbally responding, I went to the kitchen, brought back two plates, and pushed one in front of Loki. I wasn't worrying about Loki's sad life. Whatever it was, it happened because he was an idiot. End of story. “I'm not eating. Don't you bring that finger near me,” he warned, but I did it anyway. Loki huffed. “There isn't enough food.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That's your fault, isn't it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are we seriously doing this again?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you plan on watching me eat?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You need it more than I do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I paused, humming as I thought. “I didn't need to drink a potion because I couldn't feed myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Norns, you are insufferable.” Loki's eyes narrowed. “Eir was supposed to keep that quiet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A small breathless laugh escaped me. So I was right, then. “She did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You just outed yourself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>darling</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I took a wild guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, a point for me. It made sense, or at least it did in my mind. Someone showed up at the Healing Rooms because of malnutrition, then Loki also appeared with a “delicate" matter, and apparently breakfast was a “luxury” now. Crazy bastard, that was what he was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a sigh, Loki put his elbows on the table and rested his forehead on the palm of his hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, shame on you, Loki.” I yawned. I was a bit sleepy. “Did you learn anything interesting at least?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Midgardians-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about them?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They make three-dimensional figures out of paper.” Loki rolled his eyes. “When did you become so obnoxious?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ooh, that sounded interesting. “Show me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And so demanding?” he complained.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was all just for show.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p>
<p>Loki's visits, which were supposed to be only a month and business like as he had seemed to want them, lost any semblance of a pattern and gained the familiarity my own visits to the palace centuries ago had. Loki came and went as he pleased, and I found I didn't care as long as he didn't try to sleep on the couch when he stayed the night. The nature of our interactions, in my opinion, was not all that different from what it had been, but the breach left from our centuries of separation was noticeable. I came to see that side of Loki people sneered at, and they were right. It wasn't pretty. Yet all I needed to do was water my eyes and Loki would go back to cantering to meet my every need.</p>
<p>
  <span>I learnt how far I could push Loki without actually pushing him away. Our friendly banter could turn into full blown arguments if I wasn't careful, for another thing I learnt was not to expect Loki to show restraint with his words. I wondered, all too often, if Loki had always been like this, or if I had been blinded by my infatuation. I couldn't deny I had a crush on Loki back then, but I wasn't so stupid to have ignored something as obvious as this, right? So, I dismissed it as the toll the prospect of the child was taking on us both and came to know when to stop, sometimes even purposely making Loki mad if I wanted some weird food or a simple massage.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I never again mentioned Sleipnir and Loki never made a comment about my pregnancy again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As he had done during the short time he stayed at my house after the mouth sewing incident, Loki would sometimes sit in front of the window with a view of the stables. During those times, I didn't approach him, and if Loki spoke, I listened, never speaking myself. Loki did, more or less, the same for me. If I complained about this ache or another, Loki would suggest a change of position that ended irking me for minutes on the basis that it worked. He knew too much, I grumbled to  myself. And yet Loki never approached me, which was why I resorted to angering him to get a massage. If Loki was too prideful to tell me where he was all these centuries, then I was too prideful to just ask for the massage.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Today, however, was not one of those days, it seemed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you hate me so much?” I screamed at Loki after another flippant comment referencing the night of the feast as an excuse, I guessed, to not tell me where he had been. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you think it feels when the woman you care for is carrying your brother's child?” he countered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki didn't scream, and that fueled my anger, even if I could hear Loki's brewing under the surface.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don't lie to me! You left me!” A sob escaped my throat, and I didn't bother hating myself for it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I had to!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki finally screaming back at me filled me with a twisted form of satisfaction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That's what you say every time. You always have to. So why don't you just leave, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki rose from his chair and stalked towards me, so I jumped to my feet to match him in height as much as I could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki glared. “When are you getting it through your thick skull that I don't want to?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I glared back, running my eyes over every line of tension on Loki's face. “But you always do, and you're going to leave again,” I whispered. We were close enough now that I could see the tiny scarred dots on Loki's lips left behind by the thread. Loki opened his mouth to refute, and I seized the moment to lurch forward and connect our lips together. Loki's lips felt soft despite the scars, and, for a second, for a tiny fraction of a second, I believed that Loki would relax into the kiss.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But, I was refused.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course I was refused.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe that was my first kiss, as I doubted anyone took the care to become familiar with the contour or the smoothness of the lips of one’s one-night stand. Clearly, this kiss wasn’t much better than what I got then,</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I don't think this is right, Hrafn,” Loki said, pulling away with his hands on my shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My muscles stiffened. I had been so stupid. So stupid to believe even for a second that Loki would accept this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Improper</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I heard him say in another time. “Yeah, you're right.” I swallowed thickly. “You should go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hrafn…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I didn't want to see the pity in Loki's eyes, and, when nothing else was forthcoming, I shoved him away with my hands on his chest. “I told you to go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn't mean-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just leave!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When I saw that Loki had no intentions of moving, I began pushing him towards the door. Loki didn't resist but uttered words that made no sense to my ears. I wasn't listening to whatever consolation he wanted to offer. The only thing that got through the fog was a shouted “I don't even know your-" from Loki before I slammed the door on his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Like when I came back from the feast, I slid down to the floor and curled into myself as much as my belly would allow me. I had been so, so stupid. I was almost six months pregnant with Thor's child. With the child of Loki's brother, as he had reminded me, which I was very much aware of. No going around that. So, what in the Nine Realms made me think that Loki would want me?</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That night, I laid awake in bed as sleep evaded me. Constant thoughts of what a fool I made of myself swam around in my head, making me wish there was an off button in my mind. This time, there was no doubt that I would never live it down. I tossed around in bed, trying to find a way to silence my thoughts and a position the child would agree with. He, for I was sure it was a boy, kept moving around in my womb, squirming and kicking. And, seeing as my mind was occupied with other things, all I did was absently rub my belly. It didn't help, of course. With all the stress of the day and my own restlessness, I couldn't seriously expect my child to settle down.</p><p>What would become of us now? As much as I hated to admit it, I depended on the monthly gold Loki had been giving me, and would he come back this time? After what I did, would Loki want to see me once more? I would miss him, I thought, and not just because of the gold.</p><p>I shifted to try to sit up against the headboard, my heart pounding in my chest as I recognized the familiar shift in the air as Loki teleporting into the house. The tentative knock on my bedroom's open door didn't take me entirely by surprise, but it did make my spine stiffen. </p><p>“I don't care that the child is Thor's,” Loki muttered. I didn't respond. “Are you listening? I care not that it is my brother's.”</p><p>“But you do care that it isn't yours.” I cringed; my voice sounded hoarse.</p><p>Loki let the silence stretch before replying, “Perhaps a little.” I didn't believe that. “Fine. Perhaps more than a little.”</p><p>“It wouldn't have happened if you had stayed,” I said, completely aware that it could start another argument, absolutely sure of Loki's answer.</p><p>“Perhaps,” he conceded instead. “I apologise, Hrafn. My attitude has left much to be desired these months. I'm terribly sorry for putting this strain on you.”</p><p>“Tsk, as if you didn't enjoy it.”</p><p>“I don't.”</p><p>“You love playing with people, Loki.”</p><p>“I assure you that the drama at court is sufficient for me.”</p><p>“Prove it.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>Loki sounded breathless, and I had the distant impression that he didn't know what he was agreeing to. Placing a hand over the spot where I felt the most movement from my child, I thought that I didn't know what I was asking for either.</p><p>“I want you to keep present that you convinced me to keep the child, Loki, and that I'm fully dependent on you for gold.”</p><p>In the dark of the room, I thought I saw Loki nod. “You would have regretted it.”</p><p>“The point is that if you care for me as you said, you will care for my child as if it were your own. Or am I asking for too much?” My breath quickened. I feared that Loki would say, <em> yes, it is too much </em>, but this was what things came down to: I wasn't by myself anymore; I was a package deal now.</p><p>“No, it's understandable.”</p><p>“But can you do it?” I pressed. “Understandable” wasn't the same as agreement. </p><p>“I have been thinking about it all day, Hrafn, and I… I believe so.”</p><p>“And you will stay with us. Have no one but me.” </p><p>It wasn't a question. Loki either did it or didn't. No Jötunn to get in the way this time.</p><p>“I suppose I should tell you that I'm not allowed to leave Asgard any longer.”</p><p>I exhaled in relief, though not all tension slipped from my body. This was the best I was getting. What else could I ask for? So, I patted the spot next to me and said, “Then come.” </p><p>Almost like earlier that day, for a second, I thought that Loki wouldn't oblige me. Finding similarities between now and sometime in the past was not difficult for me. Loki was as tense as he had been when I forced him to stay after the lip sewing once he crawled into bed next to me, easily finding the spot he used to sleep in all those centuries ago. I didn't find it necessary to mention that this was Loki's last chance, but I was becoming as stiff as him. Until I couldn't stand the silence.</p><p>I searched for Loki's hand, pleasantly surprised when he didn't pull away. <em> Maybe I shouldn't do it</em>, I thought briefly, but it had been up to me to take the first steps lately. I placed Loki's hand over my belly, sure that he would feel the child within, and blurted out what I had been thinking all day: “I wish the child were yours.” I also wished that I could see Loki's face, have an idea of what he was thinking. He was too silent, too still for comfort. “I shouldn't have said that,” I added hastily. </p><p>Once more, to my surprise, Loki pulled me closer. “I, too, wish the child were mine.” </p><p>My breath hitched, and I began to cry anew. As far as I could remember, today had been the first time Loki treated me as more than friends, or even just as more than his apprentice. The times he wrapped himself around me in his sleep while staying with me didn't count. They were unconscious actions. But now, perfectly awake, Loki chose to hold me tighter, close enough that I could feel his breath ghosting over the shell of my ear when he whispered, “I'm so sorry.”</p><p>I was sorry, too.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>We were in the same position we had fallen asleep in when I woke the next morning to Loki pressing kisses to the back of my neck and along my shoulder before he returned to whispering in my ear. I shivered when he spoke.</p><p>“All I tried to say yesterday was that I don't know your real name.”</p><p>“Are you awake or talking in your sleep?” I asked groggily, though the second option sounded doubtful.</p><p>“When you were pushing me towards the door, I said that it isn't proper because I don't know your name.”</p><p>“What do you mean you don't know my name?” I was becoming more confused by the moment. This had to be a joke, I thought. A very bad one at that. “I asked you if you knew it after you removed the thread from your lips, and you said that of course you knew my name. You were offended that I had even asked.”</p><p>Loki hummed, perfectly content, and rubbed his cheek against my hair. “You never told me.”</p><p>“You're lying.”</p><p>“It is why I call you Hrafn. I tried asking, but you would always interrupt, so I figured you didn't want to tell me.”</p><p>That couldn't be possible.</p><p>“Well, it's Sigyn,” I said incredulously.</p><p>Loki hummed again. “Makes sense.”</p><p>“What does?”</p><p>“When you allowed me to go back to the palace, a man met me at the entrance and yelled at me to get away from Sigyn. I told him, ‘I know not who that is,’ and he didn’t like that. You have seen how that goes. So, he tried to hit me.”</p><p>I contemplated the story with dawning horror. “I think that was my father.” </p><p>I wouldn't put it past him. </p><p>I then realised Loki hadn't removed his hand from my stomach during the night when he began running it up and down the bulge. I allowed myself to enjoy the warm weight of his skin on mine once he slipped his hand beneath my tunic, feeling delight bloom in my chest. It took centuries, but it seemed I had finally gotten a point in my favor. </p><p>Loki chuckled. “Yes, well, his fist passed right through an illusion.”</p><p>Some minutes later, after I had woken up enough that Loki’s ministrations couldn't distract me from the main conversation, I asked, “So, what did you write down in your list?”</p><p>“ ‘Weirdo.’ ”</p><p>“You jest.” Loki shook his head. “Show me.”</p><p>He wrapped a leg over mine, caging me against his chest. “Mmm. Not now.”</p><p>“You're happy this morning,” I noted, definitely shocked at this new side of Loki. </p><p>“Very,” he agreed.</p><p>That didn't last as long as I would have liked. </p><p>~°•°~</p><p>“You don't actually have to call me Sigyn,” I told Loki on the warm Saturday afternoon of the next week. I was sitting on the couch and Loki had just woken up from a nap I forced him to take, hair sticking in all directions, purple bags under his eyes, intent on telling me something until he uttered my real name and his face scrunched up like he had bitten into something sour. Mostly, he looked constipated. Unsure, maybe. Like he had been prepared for there to be another stair just to find he was already on solid ground, making him stumble. Those were the kind of feelings I got when Loki first started to call me Sigyn, and I thought that I understood to a certain degree because that was how I felt when I heard him call my real name. It was very strange for both of us. He had called me Hrafn for centuries, after all. </p><p>“Are you sure?” Loki questioned, his face pulling into a grimace. I thought he should go back to sleep.</p><p>“I don’t mind,” I replied with a shrug and stretched my arms over my head when my stomach grumbled with hunger. </p><p>“I think I should at least try.”</p><p>I slipped off the couch with another shrug and walked to the kitchen in search of a snack. I tapped my finger against my lower lip as I looked from one kitchen cabinet to the next. What to eat? There were plums, strawberries, cherries, and Loki had brought… “When are you bringing more apples?” I tried to ask flippantly. Those apples were the sweetest ones I had ever tasted, but I didn’t want Loki to know I had liked them that much, though my question surely gave me away. </p><p>Loki smiled, letting me know that I had failed utterly, and walked to where I stood to wrap his arms around me. My cheeks flushed when Loki cupped my belly, and I shifted on my feet even as I leaned back against him. Loki was doing a very good job with what I had asked of him, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering how it felt to know that the child in my womb was his brother’s. It wasn't Loki's closeness in itself what made me uncomfortable. I liked having him close. Rather, it was the thought that Loki was forcing himself to be near me, and subsequently Thor's child, in spite of his own discomfort. </p><p>“I can bring some on Friday, but there's one left if you want it.”</p><p>I craned my neck back to look at him. “Could you cut it for me?”</p><p>Loki pressed a kiss to my hairline and disentangled himself from me. “Go lie down. I'll take it to you in a minute.”</p><p>I walked to do as Loki told me until I remembered the reason Loki had come out of the bedroom in the first place. “Wait, what were you going to tell me?”</p><p>Loki raised his head from where he had been searching for a knife in one of the drawers and shrugged. A small part of me wanted to press him for an answer, but most of me thought it was a lost cause. What had I been expecting? On one hand, Loki never told me the full story of anything. Knowing that was true for everyone else didn't make me feel better. What made me different from the rest in Loki's eyes if he could not trust me? I would find out about it some other time. On the other hand, we had been arguing every other day just two weeks ago. Not only that, but Loki had been absent from Asgard for centuries, and I was now pregnant with his brother’s bastard child. It was only natural that we had to rebuild our friendship, or whatever it was we had now. I had to give it time. Take it slow. Plus, maybe whatever it was had seemed important when he woke up, but on second thought, it was actually nothing. </p><p>Well, I was allowed to hope, wasn't I?</p><p>Then, like the idiot that he was, Loki went and poisoned his brother. </p><p>~°•°~</p><p>When Loki agreed to care for my child as his own, I didn't beat around the bush before reminding him that he owed me centuries of lost time. Although Loki came and went as he pleased, it appeared his solution was to stay the night on Tuesdays and Fridays without fail. Well, almost without fail. He at least tried. But, one day as Loki walked into the bathroom with a pair of clothes he had conjured from his pocket dimension, I realised I could not remember the last time Loki went two days without sleeping by my side with no excuse. I wondered, should I say something? Should I draw attention to the fact that Loki practically lived with me now? Was Loki aware of it? When had it even happened?</p><p>I decided to stay quiet. I listened to the stream of water as Loki took his shower, and I closed my eyes and pretended to have gone back to sleep when Loki came out. He crawled back into bed, hair damp and smelling of my herbal shampoo, before he began to tell the child of his plans for the day. Nothing interesting, he assured. Only petitions for today. No need for anyone to eavesdrop on their conversation. </p><p>I cracked one eye open to see Loki looming over me. “What was it this time?”</p><p>“Your eyelids were moving too much." He dropped his head on my shoulder with a sigh. “Today is going to be dull.”</p><p>“No more boring than it will be here.”</p><p>“At least you have something worth doing.”</p><p>“And you don’t? Because I’d argue it's the other way around.”</p><p>Loki snorted. “Not at all. I just stand next to my father and look pretty. The more I look like a statue, the better.”</p><p>“Mm-hmm. I'm sure that's what you do. No accompanying Thor on quests and no riling up the councillors. What do I have to do that is worth it?”</p><p>“Building the nursery,” Loki replied matter-of-factly even as the corners of his eyes crinkled with mirth at the last activity I named, but his smile quickly died as my expression closed off. “My apologies, Hrafn. I did not mean to overstep my bounds.” Loki slipped off the bed. “I should get going.”</p><p>“They don't need you for another half-hour.”</p><p>Loki ignored my comment. </p><p>“I need my boots.”</p><p>“Front door,” I reminded him, rising from the bed to follow him. “Loki, don’t be an idiot. You didn't overstep. Loki.”</p><p>I huffed in exasperation as Loki slipped his feet into his boots. He shook his head and straightened. “I assumed. I would argue I did.”</p><p>“Loki-"</p><p>“Shall I bring you dinner?” he interrupted, walking towards the table to collect the papers he had left thrown about yesterday. </p><p>“Seriously, Loki? Since when do you ask? You just do.”</p><p>“I'm changing that.” He shook his head again and cleared his throat. “I was under the impression… perhaps I made another assumption, but… are you keeping him?”</p><p>“What?” I squeaked.</p><p>“Are you keeping the child, Sigyn? To raise him?”</p><p>My eyes widened. The option of giving the child away to someone else hadn’t occurred to me before. I had forgotten that was something I could do. Adoption was as scandalous as a seiðrmaðr. Not unheard of, but scandalous. A failure to perform one's duties. People who adopted, at least the ones who did so without bearing children of their own, failed to continue their bloodline, and seiðrmenn failed to join the army, oftentimes not responding to a call to arms. I knew there was an adoption center near the marketplace, but I also knew those children were rarely adopted. They grew to join the Einherjar if they were lucky, but many ended up as servants in the palace.</p><p>“Why wouldn't I?” I asked softly once I recovered from my shock.</p><p>Loki looked at me with a blank expression. “I'll try not to get home too late.”</p><p>My gaze snapped up to Loki from where it had fallen to my feet to find Loki gone. He had referred to my house as “home.” Was he aware of it, then? That he was practically living with me? I decided to take a leap of faith and clean the house. I moved all of my clothes to one half of the closet and walked around the house fishing for any piece of clothing that belonged to Loki. I folded them and put them away in the closet. I then moved to the living room to organise Loki's mess of books and parchments. For the books he'd left open, I made bookmarks out of paper like he'd taught me and proceeded to stack all of his books next to the parchment. I was bored enough that I found the time to classify the documents by topic and date. If Loki said anything when he returned, I’d tell him what I always did: my house, my rules. He was messy, and I didn’t like messy.</p><p>Later that night, with my belly acting as Loki's pillow and my hand hovering over his head, I said, “I cleared the other half of the closet.”</p><p>I had to elaborate for Loki to understand what I was truly saying, but he accepted my offer in his own roundabout way, so nothing new there. Unfortunately, it gave Loki ideas, such as pestering me with the need to build the nursery. Rationally, I knew I—or, rather, we—had to build a nursery for the child, which wasn't exactly a problem considering I did have an empty room. But, building a nursery would make everything so real, so concrete, so absolute.</p><p>Not even telling Loki he had to get the furniture discouraged him. </p><p>Was he truly happy, or was he pretending to be happy?</p><p>~°•°~</p><p> “It has been raining for a week.”</p><p>“No, it has not.”</p><p>“What did you do this time?”</p><p>Loki huffed, set aside the parchment he'd been working on, walked to where I was sitting on the floor, and hugged me from behind. “Why do you always assume it's my fault, hmm?”</p><p>Unamused, I tilted my head back. That question had such an obvious answer. “You're the only one who can get Thor in one of his moods.”</p><p>Loki chuckled and rested his head on my shoulder. That would be his form of recognising I was right. “I'm telling you I did nothing.”</p><p>I sighed. What would it be this time? “You most certainly did something.”</p><p>“And you most certainly should be lying down.”</p><p>“Don't change the topic.”</p><p>“Can't you believe me this one time? That oaf wants to go on a hunting trip and drag me along.”</p><p>I barely resisted rolling my eyes. I was the idiot who always believed him. “So?”</p><p>“I can't go!”</p><p>I frowned in confusion. Why couldn't he go? Hadn't he said it would be in everyone's benefit, including the child’s, if he improved his relationship with his brother? Hadn't I agreed? With the poisoning incident that ended stealing Loki away for two weeks in mind, I had told Loki that I would love it if he could try to salvage his relationship with Thor. In fact, it would make me happy to know that my mistake hadn't come between them. I knew Loki, or so I thought. It worried me to hear he was once more testing poisons on Thor. Without Thor’s consent, of course, because why not?</p><p>Irritated, Loki demanded, “Are you serious? How do you plan to set up the nursery without my help?”</p><p>Oh, right. We were supposed to do that this weekend.</p><p>I looked downward at my protruding stomach. Loki had been trying to get me to begin the nursery for weeks now, but that would make things too real for me. More real than having a wiggling, kicking, growing person inside me making me uncomfortable all day. I couldn't help but think that Loki was more excited about this than I was, and that made me uncomfortable, too.</p><p>We hadn't argued again. Our relationship changed considerably since our last argument. Loki didn't snap at me anymore, and I didn't need to anger him to obtain a massage. If I looked restless, Loki would do it out of his own volition, and, lately, it was more normal for him to be in the house rather than not. Mostly, he left to bring me food from the palace and when he said his absence at court could get suspicious. It was weird. Loki didn't even talk that much to me. He was busy scribbling things down in parchment or reading over documents, but Loki made sure to accompany me during meals. I supposed the thing we did argue about was Loki's eating habits. And that one time he tried to sleep on the couch.</p><p>It had taken centuries, but I was finally content with Loki's hugs. I had never thought of him as an affectionate person, so I feared that Loki was straining himself like I feared that he was forcing himself to be happy for me because I asked him to treat the child as his own. It wasn't just the hugs and massages. It was the hair braiding (something I hadn't expected Loki to know), the lingering kisses, the attention given to my belly, and the soft smiles whenever he felt the child move. And the lullabies. How could I forget the lullabies.</p><p>My eyes glistened when Loki sang to the child within my womb. To think we could have had this if I had known Loki felt the same way about me. But how could I have known? Loki never gave me an incentive (and he'd had a lover in Jötunheimr, hadn't he?).</p><p>But, Loki was the Trickster, and this could all be make-believe.</p><p>I tugged on Loki's hand to grab his attention as he stood up. “You don't need to pretend to be happy. That's not what I want.”</p><p>Loki's expression softened. “I'm not pretending. I have stayed, have I not? I said I wanted to stay, Hrafn, and I meant it. I'm happy.” He helped me up to my feet. “Please believe me?”</p><p>I buried my head in his chest and repeated, “It has been raining for a week.”</p><p>Loki ran his hand through my hair. “Let's get you to bed, shall we? I'll set up the nursery.”</p><p>“But-"</p><p>“Thor will get over it, alright? You are too close to your due date for me to leave you alone, anyway. So let me stay?”</p><p>I let myself be pulled towards the bedroom. Even if Loki decided to stay this time, I couldn't believe that it would last.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>“What are you doing?” I asked Loki, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and shuffling to where he was holding a paintbrush to the wall. He glanced at me with a tentative smile, beckoning me closer. A witch light was floating next to him, illuminating the small painting of a wolf with a serpent next to it. I glanced around to see a pile of boxes in the middle of the room and a horizontal stripe in the middle of all four walls with a pattern of tiny wolves, serpents, and Sleipnirs. “Did you paint all of them by hand?”</p><p>“They are very important to me,” Loki murmured.</p><p>“It's easy to forget that you paint.”</p><p>“I could say the same of you if it weren't because there isn't a single blank wall in the living room.”</p><p>I blushed. “I wish you'd do this during the day.”</p><p>Loki lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. “You know I can't sleep.”</p><p>I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my forehead against the space between his shoulders. I wanted to shout at him to stop, that it could wait until later, but I already knew his answer. “Then, I wish you could sleep.”</p><p>He chuckled, soft and gentle, and placed the paintbrush in a cup. “It will go away soon enough. Don't worry about it, alright?”</p><p>“Were you like this with the others?”</p><p>Loki stiffened. “You mean my nephews and nieces?”</p><p>“Mm-hmm. Sore topic?”</p><p>“A little,” Loki admitted. “But, no. I only saw them once a month except for one of my nephews. His mother worked as one of my servants and would occasionally bring him along to the palace. I lost contact with all of them around the time I met you.”</p><p>“Why’s that?”</p><p>Loki cleaned the paintbrushes and closed the paint buckets with a wave of his hand before steering me towards our bedroom. “Most had reached early adulthood. There was no reason to keep me around.”</p><p>“That easy?” I asked incredulously, sitting on the edge of the bed. </p><p>Loki closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “It's a story for another time, yes?”</p><p>I yawned and nodded. I wanted my sleep. The only reason I had gotten out of bed was to go in search of Loki, who crawled under the covers next to me and placed a hand on my belly, but I could tell he'd be gone again in an hour. It was better than nothing.</p><p>~°•°~</p><p>Váli. That was the name Loki chose for the child. Loki suggested it, and I agreed.</p><p>According to Eir (whom Loki fetched when I convinced him that yes, it was time), it was an easy delivery. I didn't agree with that. Considering all the things that could have gone wrong, Eir said, it was an easy delivery. She then listed the most common complications from the top of her head. Eir was never the type to stand complaints. That thought made me wonder how Eir had lasted so long as the Head Healer, but in truth, I couldn't see anyone more fitting for the job.</p><p>Before allowing Loki to take her back to the palace, Eir tried to explain to us how to nurse, soothe, and bathe the baby. Key word being tried. Her instructions did nothing to soothe <em> me </em>. Despite having gone over this a million times at the Healing Rooms with other women, caring for a newborn suddenly seemed like the most complex equation in the Nine. And, wasn't it? To a degree? All knowledge seemed to fly away from me. The more Eir spoke, the more scenarios my mind provided of what could go wrong. Or, more accurately, what <em>I</em> would do wrong. In contrast, Loki looked as composed as he always did. Sleep deprived as he looked lately, but composed. The knowledge that he had already gone through some measure of parenthood with the rest of Thor’s children was nagging at the back of my mind. What did he have to worry about, anyway? This was surely the moment Loki would turn tail and run despite the plans we had made for the future. </p><p>But, Loki turned out to be helpful. Perhaps too helpful, I thought. Loki treated Vali as his own alright, and, like always, he didn't follow expectations.</p><p>He insisted on picking up Váli every time he cried, not letting me move from where I was, which I was grateful for at first, even found funny. Soon, however, I began to worry that Loki was bothered by Váli and only stayed due to a sense of duty, or honor maybe, or some other nonsense. Loki had denied it; I was hesitant to believe him.</p><p>I could see my own hesitation reflected on Loki's face when he had to leave for the palace, and I promised Váli and me would be fine until he came back. I couldn't possibly be so clumsy. But, it wasn't my clumsiness what made Loki reluctant to leave, was it? It seemed to be the reason for everything else, though. </p><p>It was Loki who bathed Váli most of the time, true, but that was because I was afraid I’d drop Váli the first few times, and although Loki helped me, somewhere along the line Loki decided to do it himself. So, I was afraid of holding Vali, I didn't deny it. But, diaper changing, I thought, was something Loki just had to shy away from. I was wrong. Even that Loki did if I took what Loki considered to be “too long.” He was skewed. I sometimes suspected that if Loki could feed Váli, he would do that too.</p><p>I didn't begrudge him at first. Not until the nights Loki wasn't home became a nightmare for me. Not because I didn't have Loki's help, but because I couldn't soothe my own child. It was Loki whom Váli wanted. Not me. I’d checked for everything that could be wrong, did exactly what Loki told me to do if Váli cried, to no avail. And, I was a healer. I knew nothing was wrong apart from the simple fact that Loki wasn't home. If I was lucky enough to have Loki back soon, Váli would stop crying and try to turn his head in the direction of Loki's voice. It was awful.</p><p>I never felt comfortable speaking to Váli while he was still in the womb. I never fully came to terms with my pregnancy, always pushing thoughts of my condition away from my mind. I thought of the child as someone I’d have to care for after the pregnancy was over, but not in a concrete way. Not as someone who would have feelings and emotional attachments. Loki was the opposite after the morning he learnt my name, ranting to the child and singing to him in a language that I couldn't hope to understand. But, Loki spoiled Váli. That was what mattered. Loki insisted there was nothing wrong with it, but I wasn't so sure about that. Loki accustomed Váli to sleep on his chest, something that I could never do for fear of accidentally hurting him. And that was where Váli liked to sleep. On Loki's chest. We had a fight about it, even.</p><p>“And what happens when you get bored of us?” I demanded.</p><p>“Bored?” Loki questioned in return, gently rubbing Váli's back. Váli hiccupped and that was it. No more crib. We wouldn't be able to get Váli to sleep on a mattress whenever Loki was home until Loki accepted, years later, that Váli was getting too heavy to sleep on his chest. </p><p>“Yes, Loki. <em> Bored </em>. What happens after you leave?”</p><p>Loki drew back, cradling Váli impossibly closer to his chest. “Why would I leave?”</p><p>I barely resisted the urge to smack my forehead.<em> Because you always do </em> , I wanted to shout. <em> Because you have to marry, you idiot </em>.</p><p>Loki sniffed like the brat he was and turned his back on me, opting to let Váli sleep <em> next </em> to him that night instead of <em> on </em> him. </p><p>Then, as if he enjoyed the idea of giving me a heart attack, there was one instance in which Loki went through one of his trances while holding Váli, and I feared. We had noticed earlier that day that Váli's hair was beginning to grow. Later, when Váli woke up to be fed and Loki insisted on bringing him to me, Loki stopped in the middle of the room and studied Váli with an intense stare Váli wasn’t used to. Definitely not from Loki.</p><p>“Loki?” I called uncertainly once Váli began to whimper. I had never interrupted one of Loki's trances before, but, similarly, Loki had never entered one in the middle of an action. Váli’s whimpers didn't snap Loki out of it, and maybe that was when the first real shimmer of fear entered my heart. “Loki, you’re weirding me out.”</p><p>Váli cried and kicked, and Loki reacted, shaking his head and finally walking to slip Váli into my arms. Loki left with some poor excuse of having to attend family dinner and returned well into the night, breath reeking of alcohol. I said nothing because Loki rarely drank and because it corroborated his story of family dinner to my slight annoyance. As far as I knew, if it wasn't with me or his parents, Loki only drank with Thor. That was a good thing, I reminded myself. </p><p>As months passed and Váli began to crawl and babble, worry of when Loki would leave transformed into genuine fear. Váli was too attached to Loki, and I feared Loki wouldn't reciprocate. I hadn't seen a problem with Loki staying at first, sure that Váli would soon forget about Loki after he left. But, time was passing, and Loki hadn't left yet. My anxiety grew with each squealed “Lodi,” with each question of how much Váli would remember of Loki until it came to an end a few months after Vali's first birthday.</p><p>We were in the living room. Eir was allowing me to leave the Healing Rooms early, and when Loki returned that day, I was holding Vali's arms as he clumsily put a foot in front of the other and squealed with delight. Loki's use of my name—my real name—was what caught my attention. Loki only did it when he was about to say something I wouldn't like.</p><p>“I have to leave for Vanaheimr,” he said.</p><p>Vali had already begun his litany of “Lodi.”</p><p>“Okay.” A part of me couldn't help but be relieved.</p><p>Loki's shoulders slumped. “Sigyn, I have to. The king has decreed so.”</p><p>He walked towards us and picked up Váli. I let him. Váli would leave me deaf otherwise. </p><p>“And I said okay.”</p><p>“They have fallen into a civil war. Some oppose the control we have over the realm. As a prince of Asgard, it is my duty to go.”</p><p><em> Then renounce your title </em>, my mind demanded, but I knew I could never ask that of him. </p><p>“Lodi,” Váli whined, smacking Loki's cheeks to get his attention. </p><p>“Aren't you excited, my dear?” Loki asked as Váli squeaked at the butterflies Loki conjured, trying to catch them between his fingers as they flew away.</p><p>“So, when are you leaving?” I expected the answer to be “now.”</p><p>“On the morrow.”</p><p>“Lodi!” Váli shrieked in protest at Loki's momentary lack of attention, grabbing a strand of black hair and pulling, no longer content with illusory butterflies. </p><p>Loki winced and tried to make Váli let go of the fistful of hair he had grabbed, which proved to be a venture of its own. </p><p>I smiled at their interaction before remembering that this was the last time my son would complain about “Lodi.”</p><p>&gt;°•°&lt;</p><p>Today I woke up from a nap to find Váli drawing by himself in his room. It has become a common sight since Loki left. Váli doesn't feel like playing with me, I don’t have the energy to play with Váli outside, and all of Váli’s drawings are now reserved for Loki. “For Papa,” Váli always says after showing me a drawing when he used to give them to me after kissing my cheek. Frigga thinks I should tell Váli that Loki's never coming back, that his papa has gone away, though not because he wanted to. Although I refuse to believe Loki's gone for good, maybe it's better for Váli to hear that. Better to grieve for a while instead of waiting and waiting for something that might not happen. It pulls on my heart’s strings because Váli's chess set, which used to be kept under his bed, is now kept on a table like a shrine, waiting for Loki to come back and play chess with its owner. Both around it and on top of it can be found Váli's collection of drawings, all of them for Loki. </p><p>The sudden flutter of butterflies wings startles me out of my contemplation, and I blink in confusion at the scene before me. Váli sniffs, and the butterflies flicker until only a lone butterfly is flapping its wings in front of his face. It doesn't take long before that one disappears in a shimmer of blue.</p><p>I wait to see what Váli will do, then. If I hadn't been watching and seen where the butterflies came from, I would have thought of Loki. My temper sparks at the thought. Obviously not because I think boys shouldn't practice seiðr, considering I was taught by a man, but because that very same man was teaching my son without telling me. Was it so hard to tell me that he was teaching Váli? Did Loki not think that I expected Váli to learn the art? It's the principle of communicating with one's partner. Did Loki seriously trust me so little?</p><p>“Did Papa teach you that?” I ask quietly, betraying my indignation. </p><p>Váli stiffens, looks at me, and shrugs. “I guess.”</p><p>I walk to sit with him on the floor and wrap an arm around him, hugging him close to me. On instinct, Váli shows me what he had been drawing. </p><p>It's a drawing of us. And, by “us” I mean Loki, Sleipnir, Váli, and myself. Tears prickle my eyes, and I tell Váli what I know will make him happiest: “Papa will love it, Váli.”</p><p>Váli snuggles into my side and sighs. He is as tired as I am of the same question, I've noticed. I can hear it in his voice. “When's Papa coming home?”</p><p>I try to hold in my own sigh, but like Váli, I fail. I talk myself out of telling Váli the truth with some difficulty. In the end, I think I should give Loki more time. However, I can't ignore the fact that just yesterday, with tears running like rivers down his cheeks, Váli asked, “Is it true that Papa's dead? That he went away forever?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Now that Loki was gone and he could no longer spoil Váli, it was fairly simple to get Váli to sleep on his crib. He wanted to sleep on top of me, but I wouldn't let him, so he eventually gave up and stopped crying when I tucked him in his crib. The almost defiant look in his eyes, which was utterly ruined by his cuteness, promised me that this rude treatment would end once Loki returned. Unfortunately, I wasn't so sure that would happen. Loki's return, I meant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli, however, was too young to understand the circumstances surrounding him. He crawled around the house in search of Loki, hands smacking against the wooden floor with a dull thud. Apparently, telling Váli Loki went away was like saying, “Go find Loki, Váli.” The couch, the table, and our bedroom—the places Loki most frequented—became Váli’s favourite places. When he obviously failed to find whom he was looking for, Váli fell on his bottom, raised his arms, and slapped his hands against his knees. It happened especially after I picked him up from his babysitter. A few of my neighbours didn't mind that Váli was a bastard, though I was sure they'd have preferred to know what was happening at home. I didn't miss the looks they gave me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fairly quickly, Váli learnt to walk on his own as he searched for Loki, but I could tell he was beginning to get frustrated. Me, too. How could I explain that Loki went away in terms he'd understand? What did Váli understand by “went away”?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was proving to be difficult. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing I noticed the morning after Loki came back was that he had cut his shoulder-length hair, leaving it at the nape of his neck. I liked it better when it was longer. Váli, too, I suspected. He wouldn't be able to pull Loki's hair as he liked to do, which I supposed was the reason Loki cut his hair in the first place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, I was actually asleep when Loki returned. The sudden weight of a person dropping next to me sent my pulse racing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's just me,” Loki whispered in my ear, followed by a few kisses along my neck. “I'm back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I exhaled shakily and said the first thing that came to mind: “You missed Váli’s second birthday.” Loki wasn't supposed to come back. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> hadn't expected him back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki threw a leg over my hip and pulled me close against his chest. I snuggled into him. I had missed him, unfortunately. “I know. And I'm sorry. I'll do my best to not miss the next one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although the Æsir didn't keep track of birthdays for the whole of our lives, the first decades were considered the most important. Loki knew that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wanting to go back to sleep, I replied, “Uh-huh,” and left it at that. I was sleepy, and Loki had just come back from a trip. I didn't want to argue with him, even though I suspected he had dropped his boots next to the bed, possibly getting mud on my floor. Again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki must have thought I was already back asleep when he whispered, “I won't miss a single one for the next child,” because once I agreed, he went as rigid as a wooden plank. I was barely aware of him relaxing against my back before sleep reclaimed me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning was when I noticed Loki cut his hair. He had woken early as he had already showered when I woke up, so I called him back to bed with my arms outstretched towards him. He must have been expecting me to reproach him the way he'd returned in the middle of the night without warning, for his mouth twitched when I made grabby hands. It was odd, but his smiles only twitched if they were real. Otherwise, the practice he'd put into perfecting a fake smile would keep any smile that wasn't real in place. Perfect, showing just the right amount of teeth, and in place. When he meant it, it was like he forgot smiles weren't supposed to twitch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki settled over me with a knee between my legs and leaned down to kiss me, our lips moving slowly against each other. I closed my eyes and brushed my fingers through his hair only to find that it ended at the nape of his neck. I couldn't say I wasn't sad to see it gone, but I didn't ask about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As predicted, Váli was sad, too. He first squealed when he woke up to see Loki and me looming over his crib, but, like the little traitor he was, he shouted, “Lodi!” and reached out for Loki. And, like the even bigger traitor he was, Loki swooped Váli up in his arms and  peppered Váli's giggling face with kisses. Váli reached for Loki's hair and, to his dismay, found that it no longer fell down to Loki's shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It'll grow back,” Loki assured him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli didn't look like he believed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki didn't wait for breakfast or for me to drop Váli with his babysitter like usual. Part of our routine was that I left earlier than I strictly had to, so Loki could watch from the window as I left Váli with one of my neighbors (not the old lady, though). Then, Loki left for the palace. Not that day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like my friends, my neighbors thought it strange that I lived with a man to whom I wasn’t married, especially since they had never met him. And, granted, I wasn't the most social person out there, but I wasn't private by any means, yet I sequestered myself during my pregnancy. One moment I was living by myself and the next I had a newborn and a stranger living with me. My neighbors were quite surprised when I appeared with a baby at their doorstep asking who could babysit. It was a good thing that Váli was adorable and that I never failed to show up at our appointed hour. The pitying looks they gave me when they thought Loki had left me while Loki was on his trip to Vanaheimr never failed to make me uncomfortable. Maybe because I knew it wasn’t the last I’d be seeing of those looks. At least they didn't know the man living with me was, in fact, Loki. That would just make everything so much worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With the Vanaheimr situation seemingly resolved and not being what I called the “mating season” despite the protests of my peers, I was still allowed to leave my job early. Eir hadn't mentioned anything about the sire of my child, whom Eir continued to think was Loki, so I didn't worry about Eir saying anything. She didn't approve of gossip, after all. Unless Loki disclaimed it, I wouldn't say otherwise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My mail with my friends had decreased in frequency, but a few weeks ago, I came to learn that Frikka was expecting a child. I, unfortunately, couldn't feel joy for my friend. I wasn't jealous. It wasn't like that. I wasn't resentful, but I couldn't help but resent a few things. There was a difference. A big difference. Frikka would be showered with attention and her child wouldn't be an outcast while mine would. Váli would always be singled out for being a bastard. As a matter of fact, my friends hadn't met Váli. Other than my child, I only had Loki, and Norns knew Loki could leave us at any time. And, my father? Well, that bridge had burnt to the ground long ago. He probably didn't even know that Váli existed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Loki came back that day, I rubbed my face with my hands to wipe away my tears and passed it off as tiredness when Loki asked if everything was alright. He apologised for being gone for so long, though I didn't know what to do with that. Váli then climbed into Loki's lap and demanded to be fed, so I poured spinach soup into Váli’s small bowl and set it on the table in front of them. Loki pretended the spoon was a ship and Váli ate happily for the first time in a long while, eventually falling asleep in Loki's arms. While Loki didn't protest when I took Váli from him to put Váli down for his afternoon nap in his crib, I didn't doubt that Váli would end sleeping with us. We didn't get a real chance to speak until then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki hugged me and rested his head on my shoulder, joining me in my watch of the rise and fall of Vali's chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think Sleipnir misses your visits. Your company is better than mine, it seems,” he muttered as a peace offering for our argument from years ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Were you able to see him, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. We were able to steal a few moments here and there while in Vanaheimr.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed his hands and brushed my thumbs over his knuckles, settling for a simple, “That's good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had, from my first glimpse of them, known that Loki loved Sleipnir, but I hadn't understood how. Now that I was a mother myself, I still couldn't say that I was closer to understanding. Considering the circumstances, and with Sleipnir being a horse and all, I suspected I would never comprehend Loki's love for his eight-legged son.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was wondering, Hrafn, if you would grant Sleipnir the chance to meet Váli.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remembering something Loki told me after that very same argument for which we were trying to make up, I mulled it over in my head and thought that it probably wouldn't be a good idea. “Once, you said that if Odin suspected a child to be yours, he would take it away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I was telling the truth,” Loki replied before rushing to explain that he had been careful, that the king didn't suspect a thing, that there was a clone in his chambers, that he made sure to make his chambers appear like someone was living in them, that he had improved his cloaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tilted my head back. “You still haven't explained why.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why would a grandfather take his son’s children away? What did you do?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Loki asked as if I should know the answer. His expression dulled. “I would prefer to keep that to myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anger coursed through my veins. In retrospect, it might have been because of Loki’s lack of trust. “If it endangers my child, then I need to know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It doesn't. I mean, it shouldn't.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn straight it shouldn't.” I narrowed my eyes as Loki stumbled over his words. I pushed him away. He stared at me, arms falling limp at his side as I turned on my heel. I paused at the doorway and looked over my shoulder, feeling slightly guilty about this. “Maybe one day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn't able to read Loki's expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, that one day actually turned out to be over a year later. Váli had developed an obsession for horses and was positively in love with the tiny Sleipnirs Loki had painted in his room. Plus, I could no longer ignore Loki's longing for his stranded son. Although it was a short visit, Loki was elated when I said it was okay for us to see Sleipnir. Váli couldn't hope to understand why we were at the stables in the middle of the night, and he fussed to be put to bed, even though we all knew it was not the crib he wanted. That stopped when he saw Sleipnir. Back then, I thought Váli would probably never know who Sleipnir was in relation to our little family, if we could be called that, but, at that moment, Sleipnir was all Váli had eyes for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki walked ahead of us, greeting Sleipnir first even as Váli tried to jump from my arms and into his. Loki pressed his forehead against Sleipnir’s, taking a few deep breaths. He took Váli from me and grabbed his little hands in his and brushed them over the fur on Sleipnir’s neck, making Váli giggle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although Asgardians had their difficulties conceiving, children born outside of wedlock were not accepted in society, enabling some women to get abortions, which were acceptable, so to speak, if and </span>
  <em>
    <span>only if</span>
  </em>
  <span> the child would be a bastard. So, when the time came for Váli to begin his education, finding an institution that would accept my son was not an easy task. Well, maybe saying a </span>
  <em>
    <span>respectable</span>
  </em>
  <span> institution would be more accurate, which is to say an institution for children of married parents, widows, or widowers, so of course we didn't qualify. And, Hel, Loki knew that, but he insisted that I couldn't send Váli to study with the children of servants and less respectable women, which I guessed was his way of saying prostitutes. Váli started his education a year later than most children because of Loki's refusal to send him to any school, and gods how I hated that it was Loki paying for it at first once Váli got accepted into a good enough school for Loki. I chose not to question it. What mattered was that, before long, Vali was complaining about waking up too early like any other child.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even then, Loki didn't find Váli's education satisfactory, judging by his scoffs every time Váli asked him to confirm something he'd learnt at school. It was all useless, anyway. Váli would probably end up joining the Einherjar like my father and his father before him and so on. There was little else for Váli to do. But, how to get that into Loki's head? That was impossible, obviously. Maybe Váli liked Loki's voice (which, granted, wasn't unpleasant) because, as curious as children could be, Váli couldn't possibly have so many questions for his oh, so adored Lodi. That was the other thing with those two. Loki never made any attempts to correct Váli on the pronunciation of his name, so, for all intents and purposes, his name was Lodi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, well, maybe I was a little jealous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With Loki living with us and being the only male adult figure in Váli's life, it never occurred to Váli that Loki's presence in his life wasn't conventional. But, it did to other children. Who, exactly, was Lodi? They asked Váli why he called his father “Lodi” instead of “Papa” or something like that. The term was foreign to Váli. A word he knew existed but that had never been applicable in his life. Why didn't he call his papa… well, papa? That was who Lodi was, right? His papa?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no doubt in Váli that was the case. Who else would Lodi be?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, one afternoon, as Loki read Váli whatever story Váli was obsessed with at the moment, Váli took his chance to test his theory. It wasn't uncommon for him to interrupt Loki every few sentences, but, that afternoon, instead of calling him Lodi, he called him Papa. I, who had been cooking dinner while listening to the story, sharply turned my head in their direction at the word. Loki, it appeared, had taken no notice of the word until a few seconds into his answer when he suddenly stopped speaking and blinked in confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Beg pardon?” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked why it's always the Jötnar, Papa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki turned to look at me, head cocked. I was just as lost as him. Maybe a little frightened. Did he think I put Váli up to this? At my lack of response, Loki returned his attention to Váli as if nothing had changed that day. And, maybe it hadn’t, I told myself as I counted my breaths to calm myself. I hadn't forgotten Loki was, in reality, Váli's uncle, but it wasn't like Loki minded, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before that day, I never thought of the possibility of Váli confusing Loki for his father. In all my daydreaming of the future, I never dared imagine Loki would help me raise Váli. I never prepared for this eventuality. Should I have taught Váli that Loki was his uncle? Loki never asked me to. Should I have corrected Váli? Did the change bother Loki? He never made a comment about Váli's decision to call him “Papa.” I might have seen him smiling once or twice. Váli seemed happier, too. But, what if Loki left us?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night, after kissing Váli goodnight and asking him about the change, I should have realised that was my greatest mistake as a mother. Letting Váli confuse Loki for his father. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I walked to our room, reached the bed, and got an </span>
  <em>
    <span>oof</span>
  </em>
  <span> from Loki when I flopped down on top of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another thing that hadn't occurred to Váli about Loki was that Loki was the second prince of the realm. It just never clicked. I supposed it was a good thing Váli didn't make that connection since it minimized the risk of Váli saying something that would give away the fact that Loki lived with us. And, it prevented Váli from trying to defend Loki, for all his classmates repeated what their parents said: the second prince was a mean person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It started on another school afternoon when, unlike usual, Loki was waiting for us at home. We usually got there first. Váli was happy enough at finding Loki home that he skipped towards Loki and hugged him around the legs, looking up at Loki as Loki threaded a hand through his hair. “Is it true that the second prince is mean, Papa?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Other than knowing that Loki worked at the palace like me and occasionally had to leave on trips, Váli knew nothing about Loki's occupation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, do you think he’s mean, Váli?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He must be if people hate him so much, right, Papa?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Having been on the opposing side of Loki's tongue, I made no comment, and knowing from experience that the question didn't bother Loki, I did not interfere.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki gave a noncommittal hum and scooped Váli into his arms. “You have not met the right people, love.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, the day Váli actually realised Loki was the second prince was the day Thor's coronation was announced. News of a royal announcement reached me early for once, so Váli and I were able to get a spot in the front rows where we had a clear view of the Royal Family. Loki, naturally, was amongst the gods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli pointed his finger and shouted, “Look, Mommy! There's Papa!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shushed him and reprimanded him for pointing his finger. Váli pouted and settled against my breast. In a sea of faces and a cacophony of voices, I didn't worry about someone having noticed us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As I said, the big announcement was Thor's coronation and that Loki was indeed going to be the Royal Advisor despite rumors saying otherwise. I walked home feeling uneasy. Neither of them were ready for those roles, but the main reason might have been the voice at the back of my head assuring me that this meant Loki would soon need to take a wife. And now, with a bastard son, there was absolutely no chance that it would be me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later that night, I found myself sitting at the dining table with Loki after putting Váli to bed, his door halfway open as he was scared of sleeping with his door closed. I brushed my thumbs over Loki's knuckles as he spoke about his brother's coronation. Thor wasn't ready, he said. At least we agreed on that. But, that didn't mean Loki was fitter for the throne, which Loki seemed to recognize. He didn't want it anyway, Loki insisted, and had understood early on that his training for the crown was only a security measure in case of Thor's premature death, but no one at court cared to listen. For them, Loki was nothing more than the envious little brother and his assignment as future Royal Advisor a consolation prize.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before I had time to talk about my own thoughts, Váli ran out of his room and told Loki, “I don't think you're mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki pushed his chair back, so Váli could climb into his lap, and kissed Váli's forehead. “Thank you, love. I appreciate it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki couldn't take a wife. Not now. He wouldn't do that to me. To Váli. Or, would he? Would Loki leave me—</span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span>—because of his duties?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was another night Váli managed to worm his way into our bed. Not that it would be ours for much longer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When can we see Sleip again?” Váli asked one morning after crawling into bed between Loki and me. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just give up already</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I told myself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Let them be happy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki hummed and threw one arm over Váli, not bothering to open his eyes. “When do you want to see him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next weekend?” Váli suggested, his smile crooked. The corners of my mouth followed suit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki gave another noncommittal hum. “Who makes the decisions here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli shifted to look at me, eyes wide and lower lip jutting out a little. “Please, Mommy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t know,” I replied. Loki's eyes popped open and Váli looked ready to plead. “A little someone forgot to give Mommy something this morning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli's eyes widened further with a child’s horror, and he rushed to give me a good morning kiss on the cheek. Loki tried to discreetly brood over the loss of Váli, but this was a win for me. Simple as that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That's better,” I told Váli, who rested his head against my chest with a happy sigh. “Now, we can see Sleipnir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli rolled back to Loki's side, and I didn't quite imagine the flash of smugness across Loki's face when he began to rub Váli's back. I rolled my eyes. I knew I had lost the war long ago, but that didn't mean I couldn't win a battle of protest every now and then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mommy said yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Loki said, a playful smile curving his lips. “I'm right here. Barely two feet away from your mother.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli tucked his head underneath Loki's chin. “Is it true that you're Sleip's mommy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki stiffened, and if it weren't for the way his face smoothed into a neutral expression, it might have been me who looked smug. Seeing as Loki showed no intention of leaving us, it was a matter of time before Váli heard the story and asked questions. If Loki had left earlier, Váli might have never made the connection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am,” Loki admitted after a pause in rubbing Váli's back. Maybe it was Váli's squirming to get him to continue what brought Loki back to the present. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli frowned and looked into Loki's eyes. Loki stared back. “But you're my papa. You can't be his mommy. He’s not even a boy like me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki's gaze hardened. “That's not true.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He's a horsey, Papa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This topic did make me feel uneasy, so I suggested to Váli that we go eat breakfast and let Loki sleep some more, reminding Váli that Loki had a lot of work to do in preparation for Thor's coronation and was very tired. Váli looked ready to come with me when Loki shook his head and batted me away. I sighed. Of course Loki wouldn’t let this go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I carried him in my belly like your mother did you. He’s a horse because his father was a horse. Sleipnir was taken from me since he was very little, Váli. He's nothing but a boy like you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Latching on to what made less sense for him, Váli glanced down to Loki's abdomen and back to his face. He asked what I knew was biologically possible at the time but wondered about every time I saw the magnificent being Sleipnir had grown into. “How did he get in there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, I wondered more about how he got out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His father put him there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Two papas can't make a baby. Even if it's a baby horsey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Váli, leave Loki alone,” I interrupted only for Loki to tell me, “It's fine, Hrafn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To Váli, he said, “I was a mare, a female horse, at the time. I could make a baby with Sleipnir’s father.” But now Váli was curious about how Loki could have been a mare, and I smacked my forehead. Loki should know by now that answering a child’s question led to more questions. “I was a shapeshifter. I could turn into any animal I wanted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Váli said in amazement and probably mock understanding. “Can I see, Papa?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki shook his head slowly, which meant he actually thought about it. “I'm sorry, love. I don't shapeshift anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, Papa, why not? I want to see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I have a bad experience with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Váli continued to whine, and I narrowed my eyes at them and leaned against the headboard with my arms crossed over my chest. If I protested, it would only encourage Loki to give in. It wasn't that I didn't want to see, because I did. I really did, but I hadn't forgotten Loki's reaction when I first asked him about it. Váli could be pushy with Loki. He knew it wouldn't work with me, but Loki granted Váli's wishes sooner or later. Other than the fact that it was the father who had the last say at his friends’ houses (not that Váli ever went there), Váli asked Loki because Loki rarely said no. But, unlike any other thing, this was Loki's choice entirely. I knew that I had no right to have feelings over this and that it happened a long time ago, but I’d never understand how Loki could treat his rape so lightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As it turned out, Loki stayed firm in his position. He would not shapeshift. With a pout, Váli trailed behind me for breakfast, and I mentally scolded myself for my own disappointment. However, towards the end of breakfast, Váli proved that the conversation wasn't quite over by asking, “Does that make Sleip my brother?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki's hand spasmed and dropped his spoon with a clink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The day of Thor's coronation and the subsequent days went by in a flash. One moment I was helping Loki with his ceremonial armour, trying to get every strap and buckle right despite Loki's insistence that he could do it on his own, and the next moment Loki was just…gone. Dead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could have never imagined Loki capable of such monstrosities.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't even have a body to mourn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rumors of the few invading Jötnar spread fast. They did ruin Thor’s coronation, after all. News of Thor's banishment spread even faster. It was later disclosed that it was Loki who let them into Asgard. But, how? When did he have time to plan it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed I didn't know Loki as well as I thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I never did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The few hours before Loki's fall into the void came to haunt me for months after the fact. No-one could tell for sure what happened during the fight at the Bifröst site except that the Rainbow Bridge was destroyed in order to stop Loki from destroying Jötunheimr. Everything else was kept quiet. But, I could say for sure where Loki had been before letting the Jötnar into Asgard for a second time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was leaning back on the bed with my legs crossed and Loki's head in my lap. Loki fidgeted with the edge of his tunic as I threaded my hand through his hair, humming (Loki never let his hair grow again like he promised Váli). It hadn't been long since Thor's banishment and Loki's taking of the position of regent, so I attributed Loki's restlessness and preoccupation to recent events. By then, I hadn’t known it was Loki who caused them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I ask you to marry me, would you say yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki's voice trembled. Loki's voice never trembled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My breath hitched, because how many times hadn’t I dreamt with those words? “If you ask me to marry you, and I say yes, would you stay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki blew out his cheeks. “Norns know I want to, Sigyn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, would you do it?” I shook my head sadly at Loki's lack of response. And here I thought I had provided Loki with something worthwhile. “Then my answer would be no.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki nodded, stood up from the bed with one swift motion, and left for (I now know) Jötunheimr. The next time I heard of Loki, he was dead. That was the last time I saw Loki. After I refused to marry him. He wasn't alright when he left, but, dammit, I expected him home that night. I fell asleep waiting for Loki to come back. He was supposed to come back. I dropped Váli at school the next day thinking we'd see Loki soon enough. I shouldn’t have let him leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn't describe how it felt. Saying that it was a sharp, clenching feeling in my chest that threatened to swallow me whole, stealing the breath from my lungs, didn't cut it. For the first time in a long while, I didn't care what people thought of me when Eir pulled me away from the other healers. She was the one to tell me, and she never played around, but I couldn't believe her. Loki was a noble. One of the gods. He was supposed to outlive me. Loki was supposed to fade into oblivion, not just… die. That was what he did. He died on me. He didn't waste away with the passage of time like he should have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was hard to say how long I stood staring at the gold accented white walls of the Healing Rooms, following the gold lines until they ended abruptly upon reaching the floor, before Eir sent me home. The next months consisted of the hardwired routine of taking Váli to school, leaving for the Healing Rooms, picking up Váli, and going home. Nothing changed. Loki would show up at our bedroom in the middle of the night, and I would scream at him for not telling me he was leaving on some kind of trip. For making me worry. I truly believed that until Váli broke my bubble by asking, “Mommy, when's Papa coming home?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't have an answer for him. I couldn't tell my son the man he thought was his father was dead. That Loki had abandoned us after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Months after Loki’s death, rumors that Sleipnir only let himself be handled by Thor spread across Asgard. And, they were true. Mostly. It was thanks to me that Thor was able to approach Sleipnir.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was supposed to have been a day like any other, but, instead, Thor approached me during my break and knocked on the table where I was reading. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How may I be of service, my lord?” I asked upon realising who had interrupted my break. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were Loki's apprentice, were you not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I used to be, yes.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>And what about it?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You must have known my brother well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn't see where this was going. “As much as one can know their tutor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thor frowned. “He spoke of you often until recent centuries.” He looked at me with something akin to reproach. “And you are the one who got his mouth running again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I smiled with feigned embarrassment. “That would be me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thor nodded, seemingly satisfied. “Loki must have spoken to you about his children.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Children?” I asked confusedly. At the moment, I couldn't recall Loki speaking of anyone aside from Sleipnir.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm in dire need of your help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This conversation was taking some turns I didn't like.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thor beckoned for me to follow and, as we walked, he told me the story I had heard a million times from my father: the story of Asgard’s wall. We arrived at the stables, and Thor pointed to Sleipnir laying amongst the hay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He has refused to move since my brother's death. Quite stubborn, they are. He has also refused apples, which my father says are his favorites.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn't surprised. I knew one of the reasons Sleipnir didn't oppose his treatment after the bridle incident was because Loki had asked him not to. It had been different before the bridle, or so I understood from Loki. It had been different when Sleipnir could come and go as he pleased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleipnir’s ears twitched when I spoke. “I believe you have gone in search of the wrong type of healer, my lord.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thor shook his head. “No, no, you misunderstand. I would like you to speak to him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My father knows of both yours and Loki's visits to the stables. No need for pretense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My legs threatened to stop holding my weight. What had I been thinking? “I still believe you're mistaken.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thor chuckled. “We always suspected Loki went against Father's orders in this matter, and Sleipnir’s behaviour has only reinforced that belief.” I heard Sleipnir shifting around and wondered, almost afraid of the answer, what this meant for me. “With my brother gone, and having left so little of him behind, my father has reevaluated his position towards Sleipnir.” His expression darkened. “I, too, have reevaluated my position.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Which means?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like to get closer to my nephew, but so far he has not permitted me to approach him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleipnir snorted. There was hardly a more uncomfortable place for me to be in that moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about not talking about him as if he couldn't understand you?” I suggested.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thor grimaced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I startled when I received a nudge from Sleipnir and, feeling it was okay for me to do so, turned my attention to him. “I miss him too, Sleip. It's hard, isn't it?” I caressed his fur, thinking of the last time we saw each other with a shake of my head. Loki had been with us, then. “You poor thing. How long has Thor been bothering you, hmm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I beg your pardon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know where's a good place to start?” I asked absently. “By removing the bridle.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thor didn't agree nor disagree, but, to my surprise, the bridle was gone by the next day. My chest clenched painfully at the memory of how much Loki had suffered over the damn thing, and now he wasn't here to see it gone. It was a real shame. But, knowing that Sleipnir was now free to leave if he so wished, I agreed to help Thor. I couldn't have denied him even if I had wanted. If Váli missed Loki, I didn't dare imagine how Sleipnir felt, and I wasn't about to leave Sleipnir alone. Especially not now that I was allowed to see him. I didn't want to imagine what Thor was feeling, either. Or Frigga. My own grief was enough of a burden. Plus, as Thor said, Sleipnir was the only part I had of Loki. I wasn't throwing that away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Odin and Thor left for Vanaheimr in another attempt to regain control of the realm, I continued visiting Sleipnir along with Váli. My son learnt how to groom a horse from Thor, and so my son was introduced to whom he thought was his uncle during a visit to Sleipnir. I warned Váli to not call Thor uncle, though. Or to mention Loki. But, references of Loki slipped through Váli's mouth all the same. Thor had his ideas about who the boy's mysterious father was, which were supported by Sleipnir's preference for Váli's clumsy and brusque hands over Thor's own expert ones. Váli’s familiarity with Sleipnir didn’t help either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I found the situation to be ironic to tell the truth. However, the only thing in Váli that was Thor's were his eyes. They appeared to be the same shade of sky blue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Nowadays, it was only Sleipnir, Váli, and me in the field until Frigga decided to join us. I was holding Váli in my arms as he slept and watching Sleipnir as he cropped grass when Frigga said, “I never doubted it would be you whom Loki would choose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry?” I tried to look up at the queen, forgetting I would be blinded by the sun. I hated it when people did that. Standing in front of the sun as if we wouldn't like to look at their faces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I suspected Loki left the palace for you, but Odin would have none of it.” The corners of my mouth pulled down. I thought Loki had said he was being careful. Frigga sat next to me and smiled knowingly. “But the child isn't Loki's, is he?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked down at my sleeping son, a strange mixture of sorrow and anger brewing inside me at Frigga’s question, and thought, for some reason, that maybe Loki hadn't broken his promise. He wouldn't. Maybe he would leave me, but not Sleipnir or Váli. “Nope,” I admitted, popping the “p” in an attempt to sound light-hearted. “What makes you think so?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Loki was a Jötunn. I imagined he did not tell you, for he knew not himself, but if the child were his, he would surely have heritage lines.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shifted to better face the queen, mind screeching to a halt. “Say that again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frigga glanced at her clasped hands in her lap. “It was after the war with Jötunheimr. I suppose you can see how he was a runt and therefore left to his luck as a babe.” Then, she directed her gaze towards Sleipnir. “I fear this knowledge might have driven Loki mad amongst… other things. So, tell me, dear, would this have changed anything between you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I blinked, and I stared. Was this woman serious? How could I know that? Now, it didn't, but having been raised with the same bedtime stories as every other Asgardian, I couldn't say that would have been the case in the beginning. There was no way of knowing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe. Maybe not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed, looking at Váli. “We all miss him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'll see him again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frigga chuckled softly. “I admire your faith, Sigyn, but I don't think my son has left us for a nice place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked ahead with my jaw set. It wasn't faith. And, it wasn't about seeing Loki when I passed away. Loki had wanted to stay with me. Well, tough luck. He hadn't. But, every time Loki left, he came back to me. One way or another. This time would be no different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>~°•°~</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Six months passed, and Loki was sighted on Midgard.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, I guess I promise to try to stop being lazy, or at least my usual lazy, and try to put some effort. In any case, there are two more works before Loki's point of view that I'm pretty sure I should be reposting next weekend if not later today or tomorrow. Unlike this one, Loki's POV should be linear except for the very beginning. Anyway, hope it wasn't too bad?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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